We had an agreement, telling each other when being unfaithful. But finding out when you are on the other side of the world, destroyed me. I should have taken the flight back home, interrupting all this shit and not cling to him when he is the reason my world falls apart. So stupid, so naïve. Thinking it was all a dream and today I am still with him. And I hate myself for this, not being resolute. Since then, every day a piece of me and my trust dies. He loves me, I love him but he’s just not good for me, for my mind, […]

Imagine walking into a Doctors surgery on a Saturday afternoon a week before Christmas during a pandemic, drug seeking being the reason, this is bad, your first visit to this surgery and your gonna mention drugs, this is real bad, the worst thing you can say to a Doctor is anything concerning sleeping pills, maybe opioids but i dont really know anything about painkillers.

This was the reality of the situation I found myself in and there was no way out, this was gonna be awkward. I gave myself a 30 percent chance of this working out, i walked into the surgery 5 mins before my […]

I should be happy, I know I should.

I feel lonely and tired. I have all the symptoms of serious depression I deal with daily for almost two years now. I fear that I will never be able to enjoy my life and to feel happy. I have all the things i ever wanted. I have beautiful and amazing wife, wellpaid job where everybody, including my bosses tell me how important I am and two amazing cats plus all the books I ever wanted to read. I have a great passion – my own music but still I cannot enjoy it because my feelings of anxiety […]

Did anyone listen to the new album of ‘grandson’.? I’m madly in love with the way he expresses his anger and opinion on the BS in the world.! Fits the pandemic pretty well.

– Sleeping for hours
– Going out, getting a coffee, mindlessly browsing shops, may or may not buy things
– looking up random stuff on laptop/phone
– just sitting around outside, etc

I wish I could go sometime next year. But for the 10000th time, dying isn’t easy and I have obligations anyway. I’m actually enrolled in that course now. May or may not end up doing all of it. I figure I would I’m alive for that long. Not like I have anything that I like doing in my life anyway. I’ve overall had a good enough life. Not to gloat, really…

I’ve experienced the glorious […]

Mood swings are the worst thing ever. Im so fucking exhausted of everything, everyday is literally a rollercoaster that never seems to end and I don’t think I’ll ever have stable emotions, nothing ever satisfies me and I can’t seem to find true lasting happiness, not even for one whole day. What tf is the point of living a life like this? I really don’t get it. I feel so empty inside and no matter what I try nothing ever works to make me feel better. I really hope I can go away from this world soon.

I allow myself to suffer when I know I deserve better. I feel as though i put myself through unnecessary pain. I allow others to hurt me, i hurt myself. Why cant i stop?!!! Im hurting physically, mentally and emotionally. I have taken several pills and mixed them with alcohol. I hope that it takes affect soon. I fear thar if i try and take my life again that i will fail and i cant handle that again. So i just want to numb the pain i wish for my death to be soon. I purchased life insurance and it will take affect starting february. […]

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Lets go!! Its alright push it move it.. Doesn’t matter what the voices says… You are! Mentally strong!.. Keep moving keep It pumping!.. Your body is under your controll your mind and soul is also under your controll!!!!… Much love to me and those who sees!.. You can do it!

My tears fall,
The blood drips,
It tastes like iron,
3 bullets sit in front of me,
The razor knife sharps,
Greets itself again,
My tears keep falling.

No one or nothing comes.

But the burning pain soothes beyond what spirituality can comprehend.

I love the burn. And the blood that follows.

I stare at three bullets.
470.7mm.410
Which one will do it?

But the burn of a razor sharp knife wins. I want to hurt. I dont want immediate. I want the burn.

Drunk af. I know what i want. The fierce end. A bloody mess because it tastes like iron. A rust life has left behind.

I feel trapped.

Inside a really dark cage.

A cage of my own mind perhaps.

Where all I can do is suffer.

Scream.

Cry.

Be in pain.

Sometimes somebody comes inside this cage.

One day they come and give me a nice pat on the head.

Another day they come and give me an hug.

Other days they just don’t come.

But it’s always the same.

In the end I am on my own.

I understand that they can’t come here everyday.

I understand that they can’t break this cage.

So I can’t blame anyone.

Aside of myself.

I just hope this pain will end soon.

I am a fantasist. I’m massively emotionally invested in things that are impossible in reality. Which generates endless despair. But I don’t know how to stop wanting what I want. Some things just feel essential.

My fantasies are also terrible. The sickest, most deplorable things you could imagine. And yet they also feel wonderful and great. So that’s a massive headfuck. Huge amounts of shame, guilt, fear, and self-hatred. But it also feels amazing.

So that holds me back from pursuing anything real. I can’t let anyone else see the sickness inside me. And I can’t give it up. I can’t contaminate others.

So my life has no […]

I read your words, your poems. I am a writer as well. Have you noticed how creative all of us are? I have often wondered if depression is somehow linked to creativity. Either way I see brilliant minds in all of you!