I have been on this site off and on for 4 years…. I have had depression WAY longer than that. I want to scream HELP ME!!! But I don’t think anyone or anything can. I have tried medication, counseling and so on. My last counselor told me she doesn’t like treating people like me because they are too hard to help. Then she stopped taking my appointments. HA HA HA I have to laugh because if i dont I will just have to face the fact that I am beyond help.
I’m tired of being pathetic. I’m tired of living for other people. My brain […]

When I first started cutting, I was disturbed by the fact that I liked it so much. I looked up all the reasons people normally cut and I identified or have identified at some point with all of the causes and reasons given. Sometimes I cut to “externalize the internal pain.” Sometimes I cut when I’m depressed to feel something, or to calm myself down with the serotonin high if I’m anxious. Today I discovered that I was cutting for a reason that I’ve never before heard. I have this friend, my best friend actually. We talk about everything, but if I ever try to […]

I already have that melancholy feeling when it’s almost autumn

At this point, the glass isn’t half empty or half full, the glass is shattered and the pieces are embedded deep in my flesh. I have final “insurance” if you will, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I’ve practiced over and over. It’s not a matter of if I choose to make my exit, but when. And oddly enough, having a surefire “insurance” policy helps me through the bad moments, the mere knowledge that I can reliably end it when I choose to do so, when the time comes, is almost enough to bring me peace. I’m playing a sick game […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

As I lay in bed unable to sleep, I dream of it just ending. Slipping in to nothingness. No more fighting. No more sadness. No more being a burden on those I care about. I think about oblivion. I just want it to be over. I’ve fought for so long and now I’m expected to be grateful for scraps. I can’t do it. I want to be dead. I want to die. I just want to not feel any of this anymore.

The fear, the pain, the loss, the neverending emptiness. It’s all too much for one little brain to handle. I’m done

I am running away
From a big rock lady
I am running away
afraid she’ll crush me
i turn to her face
she had a smile
i saw her place
she was on a hill
i turned away
she rolled swiftly
i was running away
she rolled quickly
i was running away
shes on top of me
i turned away
shes right near me
i stood in place
she sang softly
i was running away
afraid she might crush me
i was running away
shes rolling swiftly
i was running away
shes right on top of me
i was running away
she might crush me

That line was in a movie concerning how a man behaves when a woman hands herself to him on a plate, you don’t want to belong to a club that would have someone like you as a member. I first heard that line in my teens and found it a bit far fetched, surely I wouldn’t be a guy who behaves like that but no, I have a 9 chasing me, texting round the clock, comparing me favourably to the pieces of shit available for women online,,asking me out when she previously said women don’t ask men out and I’m no happier, every guy thinks […]

…everything is normal and fine, till one day, you open your eyes to this broad daylight and find yourself in this struggle to power your way out from under the crashing car. I so want to give up now…

I want not to be this anymore. I want not to be me anymore. Every time I’m around other people, I hate myself. I deserve to hate myself. But I don’t want it anymore. I want the feeling, the guilt, the self-awareness – I want it all gone. I want to be free of it – of this self, this identity, this craving. I’m so tired of it – I don’t want to be the villain anymore. Fine, me=badman. Deserving of death. Stain on existence. Can we just get it over with already? Just end it – so I can finally stop being this?

But of course, that’s […]

I’ve considered myself a pessimist now, and I’m 38 years old. To be honest, it leads me to being severely depressed & suicidal; there is not a single day now where I don’t think of death, and even suicide personally. Everything (or most of the time) just seems depressing. There are honestly only very few/little things in this life/world that interests me now, and even they’re easily crushed soon by reality. It’s depressing. And constantly reading about pessimism philosophy even reinforces how depressing this existence really is. Although admittedly, my pessimistic outlook were perhaps mostly & originally also caused by what I’ve considered myself & […]

Come Inside

Welcome Darkness,
Wrap me up in a blanket of your cold embrace.
Watch the light as it flickers out.

Hello Lonely,
Surrounded by friends or demons so close.
I couldn’t tell if you were there.

Goodbye Sanity,
No one can see the tangled lands in here.
I’ve fallen to far to find you.

Finally, Death, my old friend,
Ive waited here forever in hopes that you could come.
Take me to your home.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without thinking about death, or wanting to die. But it’s usually been pretty manageable, at least to the point where I wasn’t making drastic steps towards killing myself. But that’s changed. Really changed.

I had an episode in March, right when the Coronavirus began implementing into our world. I was on a choir trip and had to come home early because it was too dangerous. And it was like the second I got back into my hometown, I’d fallen into a deep, overreaching sleep. One that I couldn’t wake out of […]

Haven’t cut myself for a year and a half until yesterday.

I feel so lost right now, like I’m in a dark place filled with water and I’m drowning.

I really thought I was healing. . . that I was doing just fine, but somehow the demons started to crawl back into my head pulling me deeper.

I tried to climb back up, trying to pull myself together, but my shoulders are too heavy that I keep on sinking unto the ocean floor.

I’m drowning.

and I need help.

i’ve had an eating disorder for basically my whole life i think. i don’t know because i have severe ptsd and i have very little memories from 12-13 or earlier. i don’t talk to my family, i have almost no friends because i pushed them all away. my ex recovered from his eating disorder and is doing so well and i’m just… here… just as fat and just as mentally ill as before.

i don’t want to get better. i just want it to stop. i don’t want to do this

I can count and I do it right all four Digits.

She is not alive Inside me, Love fills my missing Parts.

ICU been crowded, filled by myself with Voice in Pain.

Screaming over an over her Name and what it took, reflect again.

I sensed dying too often, can‘t trust, seeks no spark or joy.

Just she, me and ours in Interaction known and a couple of us from the flux pushed apart.

When thinking about the various ways I could end my life none of them seem particularly appealing. I think it’s more of a fear of trying and not being successful and knowing you will have to wake up and face all the same thoughts again. I guess it comes down to a choice between my head and my heart. My ego is like go on do it but my in my heart I know I don’t want too. I think so far jumping off a building would probably be the method I would pick. It’s weird talking about this openly and honestly. Not like a […]

When you realise that people you care about are actually against you. They want to know what’s going on in your life but not for the right reasons. Some people like to compete and play games. 29 years of having to endure relationships where people take and play mind games. I literally have no body I can talk to because none of them really wish me well. It won’t matter soon. The more I let go of these things the more I realise there is nothing to fear from being alone. I can feel and act however I like. I just pray that one day […]

Do you ever feel like your head is just a place of storage of memories of all of the wrong you’ve made? I try to focus on the happy memories but my mind is in an eternal loop of all of the things I’ve fucked up. The people I’ve hurt. The shit I’ve done to my body. To my mind.
And I try to break the cycle and sometimes I can feel a little bit better but it’s just a few days and then I fall into the dark again. And my mind keeps making scenarios of my death and what it would be like. […]