I have this feeling like I’m waiting for something. It’s been there so long that I can’t recall what it is. Will I know it when it happens, when it arrives? Or will it pass by like anything else? It’s a feeling that never connects with anything. It strives for itself, to justify its own presence. And it never goes away. Things could be looking up, I could feel a little hopeful, but it’s always there nagging me about nothing, for no reason. It’s in a dark corner counting the seconds as they pass by in a mechanical haze. It’s been over 35 years. That’s […]

Didn’t believed that escape would be happening alone. To Germany. A women visited me, she astonished me. I had been under self-medication to not leave her ablaze, to not cause Fear, Confusion or Communication Problems.

She left early. My thoughts right away been, that I need to be with her.

I  have requested the Adress. She, Isolated herself.

I am coming for her. I fear that her Dad is sending me away.

I want to Life, and she is worth that. I want to Love, but this feeling, this requirement is new to me.

But, I can kill myself too, if I can not see her again.

If she isn’t real […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Think about it, my life means nothing,
absolutely nothing,
but there are many and many ppl who wanted to live a bit more, have more time in this shitty world
why can’t I trade my life for theirs? life could be theirs, and i would have my sweet sweet death, win-win, and the world could even forget my existence! how beautiful would it be, finally on death’s embrace while knowing that your miserable useless existence at least saved someone.

A few months ago, I felt like I had an epiphany of sorts. I felt like I might’ve been the only person that exists and I’m in control because nothing truly bad could happen to me no matter what. But recently, I’m not so sure. If I was the only thing that existed, why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so pointless? Why isn’t my life good? Why do I want to just end it? Why aren’t I comfortable in my own body? Why do I have to rely on antidepressants to make me feel “normal?” I wish I couldn’t […]

Sometimes i ask myself that, when did i become such a loser, when did I lost all will to live, when did I get these social problems? when did I get so ugly, so ridiculous, so egoistic? When I got so fucking wrong? So lost, so miserable, so fucking useless. When was the last time that I felt safe inside this piece of meat? Inside my own mind.
I JUST WANT TO CEASE EXISTING WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT? why can’t I just kill myself? WHY?
no one would miss me, my family, my friends, none of them need me, and their lives wont change, […]

The snake won’t leave
Screaming
Suffocating
You can’t remove what you placed
Muffling your screams
In this ocean
Nothing but bubbles escape your mouth as you suffocate
Don’t forget how all this happened
Don’t ever forget how that snake got there
Coiling around your insides
Your heart
Like a disease
A manmade disease
That you placed yourself
And yet
Like a fool, you keep smoking
And screaming
And suffocating

I saw your post with the warnings not to read.

I answered “Masturbation addiction?  I don’t find that disgustiong’

You’re very ashamed of it.  You even deleted it.  Pal, you’re beating yourself up over this.  It’s not that bad.  It’s not like you run sweatshops or start illegal wars based on lies killings millions of people.  You’re just a highly sexual person and you’re not hurting anybody.

Your biggest failing in all this is not tending to your business in a focused fashion.  That’s a pretty common failing.

im sorry. i hope i didnt bother you by commenting. i just thought youd like someone to talk to about it. someone that would listen and not judge you.

Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for […]

Drawn partly while listening on loop to The Funeral by Band of Horses

hi, i’m here again because i’m so tired of running to my friends, seeking for help when they are already so tired of me- helping me out. i i don’t know what to do, i always want to change for the better but some things just doesn’t seem to allow me to do that.

im just too sad that i can’t find any reasons why and reasons to go on anymore. ive hit rock bottom and this quarantine isnt helping me at all. im too cramped up in this small space making me think all the decisions i made and i just cant forgive myself. all […]

I thought about this today, but my reasons for being depressed and why I feel the way I feel have changed over time. I remember when I was in elementary school and I first really thought of the concept of death. I mean I understood what death was, but when I first actually thought about what that meant it terrified me. I scared me to think of all the things that made me happy weren’t permanent and can be gone with minimal effort. It doesn’t take a whole lot to die. You can get in a car accident, get sick, […]

You keep pushing me;

You’ve pushed me too far.

You claim you love me;

You’ve done nothing but hurt me.

Whilst you’re in your nirvana,

pretending nothing is wrong,

I’m suffering.

It’s all because of you,

but…

you put the blame

all onto me.

You’re not playing

your part.

You don’t care if

I fall apart.

You’re trying to kill

my heart.

But that’s fine;

I’ll still

love you

I’ll still

hold you.

I’ll still

cherish you.

“…It’s your own fault.”

“I know that…

Mom.”

People always tell me that I’m a musical prodigy, that I’m very talented in music. People also often say that I’m smart. I have always been that weird, strange, socially-awkward nerd/geek, even though people also say that I’m a natural good-looking guy, that I have a baby-face for a person at my age. I’m 37 years old now. I’m from Indonesia, btw, I’m a Chinese-Indonesian.I have always been interested in the ‘bigger-picture’, things like philosophy, asking stuff like what is the meaning of life? also why does everything exist? Who are we in this vast, limitless universe? Are we just a tiny little speck of […]

how does it feel to be on the other side?
I wonder
I can ponder
I can ask
But there’ll never be an answer
I wish I knew how this scale works
How this cycle is never ending
How you’d end up on the other end when you weren’t before
How I can find a solution
I wish I knew
How it feels to be on the other side

We’re all enslaved. Just look at the pandemic…
We are all just puppets to the world’s elite.
The world is a complete joke. I really don’t want to be part of this world anymore. It’s so easy for governments to take all of our ‘toys’ away. The months are going to drag on forever.

I wanted to travel this year (yes i know first world problem lol). Well no. I guess that’s not happening. In fact the government will probably start allowing foreign students in here again long before we can even leave our own country. Lol how dumb is that…..

I don’t really want to […]

I can’t tell if i’m alright or losing it. I’ve blocked out so many emotions i’ve forgotten what its like to be sad.  I don’t understand what i’m feeling now, or why im feeling it. I just feel like i’m nothing. I wanna go away I really do. I can’t help but feel like nothings ever going to get better and i’m just going to be the same piece of shit for eons. Sorry for this  self deprecation but I have no where else to go.

I don’t like
Having to witness this
I can’t
Get the courage to tell her to apologize when she’s in the wrong
she might turn around and yell at me. I dont want that. I’ve had enough of that
How can I make myself better. How can I be good enough to not be yelled at. To not be looked upon in such manner
I hate it
I hate it
I hate how she hits them for a reason that she believed to be true, but wasn’t. And doesn’t apologize but continue to yell and hit for an extended reason that justified the initial one. […]

i fight myself at every turn. i cant fix wrongs because its wrong to do so. i cant help because it hurts. i have had to restrain myself from myself my entire life. i dont like what i see or what i have to allow. i’m tired of giving free passes to everyone who intentionally causes harm to those i care about. i’m tired of feeling like i’m the only sane person here. nothing makes sense anymore. i want to die, and then i dont because i shouldnt have too. they should. they are the cancer that has spread into every crevice and metastasized destroying […]