I wish I  just had someone I could actually talk to without them freaking out and calling the police.

I wish I had drugs. any fucking thing.  I was never really into alcohol, but at this rate I’ll be an alcoholic before christmas.  The only reason I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night was because I was drunk and stoned.  so incredibly stoned.   Although I have such mixed feelings about that.  I love being high, but it reminds me of her.  Although, everything reminds me of her.  She’s all I think about.  But at least when I’m high I’m willing to try.

When I’m not, […]

I don’t know how to use this website..Does anyone tell me how..?tsutao at hotmail dot com

I’m sacrificing myself to save the countless many who would have to die if I were to live. It’s a noble cause I figure. A good reason to die. I like to think you’d agree.

All fled–all done so lift me on the pyre.
The feast is over and the lamps expire.

I want to cry… I hate it when you wants your space, as much as we both need it right now because I was pretty pissed yesterday…it just hurts, even though I know I’ll see you tomorrow… What I wrote in that blog, I meant it when I said it makes me want to cut…I feel like its all my fault…this whole day sucked, and the person who I can really count on to be there for me doesn’t want to see me. It breaks my heart and I just can’t wait for tomorrow. I hate being so fucking depressed…I need a cigarette, or a […]

This is pretty much my life story. I wrote it a while back but never posted it.

I’m Lex, a 20 year old female living in Michigan as I always have. Why am I here? Just to talk about myself for the time being.

My story is an unremarkable one. It offers no true explanation to why I am the way I am, today. But it’s the truth as I know it.

I was born and raised in a very small town on Lake Michigan’s coast. My parents weren’t truly “together” when I was coming up. I seldom recall them even being in the same room. It didn’t […]

I’ve been really stressed lately, I can’t handle all of the responsibilities of my life, all my friends are fake, and the girl I like had cut me off so I have no one to talk to…. Im considering cutting my wrist for the first time….

i feel extremely anxious whilst writing this as it is my first time. im starting to become very suicidal and although i have a lovely mum and sister im too embarrassed to tell them and i dont know where to turn. i am on anti depressants and although they help, i still just want to die but im too scared to attempt suicide. i live with my boyfriend who smokes cannabis and so did i until last year when i had a complete psychotic breakdown and gave up. hes extremely paranoid controlling and aggressive but im too scared to leave him and i no longer […]

I’ve never liked needles. I’ve never liked knives. Despite my tattoos, I’ve never been a ‘pierce the flesh’ kind of person. Blood makes me squirm. I’ve always wanted to go peacefully, with dignity, not writhing around in pain during an exit or leaving a mess for someone to clean up.

So I guess after the first failed attempt when I was 15 years old chugging down pills, I realised that just popping pills isn’t exactly a peaceful death. The stomach cramps are the worst. But it seemed like the easiest, least messy, readily available way to go at the time.

There have been a few semi-attempts since then, […]

True Blood oh i am addicted to this show! <33

I currently believe that the best thing that can happen to our planet is to be struck by a gamma ray burst. I’m not an astrophysicist, but I presume that most of the atmosphere would be boiled off into space, and that over half of the planet’s surface would be fried. Thus most people would be cooked, and the rest would suffocate. I daresay a few lucky individuals and groups would get into bunkers in time, but these people could never repopulate the planet; rather, they would merely eek out a claustrophobic and rodent-like existence for as long as their oxygen and tinned supplies could […]

It is the moon that haunts me.
Watching me from above
It stares and beckons
Full and Red.
My joy taken
With the waning of the wilted beast.

Mind is turned against me in Mutiny.
Preservation; no longer a concern
Until I realise
It never was.
I’m scared of what I’ve become
And for those who may follow.

Apologies have no place here.
For I will never be able to ask your forgiveness.

All I have left
All I ever was
Is your unconditional love.
I am so […]

Pain –

Scary

Unwanted

unavoidable

When you sit around trying your hardest to feel the same happiness you felt not so long ago.

then you realize that when you only feel pain , happiness is numb. Happiness leaves within seconds.

When you are lonely,  you want to leave you room, and when you do go out, You just want to go back home . But you hate your home. Your not happy at home or when your not at home. Being with friends is good and all, but you find your self wanting to go home, or finding excuses to leave. You cry when you get home, you cry if you don’t get invited to parties […]

@tphg : for some reasons I really like and even got ‘enlightened’ by your post. you speak very much like a wise philosopher, and I’m really interested with those things: philosophy, search for Ultimate Truth about this Life, Universe, spiritual realms (if any) and Beyond this world, etc.

if you do have time and don’t mind, please email me at nikiwonoto (at) gmail (dot) com (I can’t do the ‘usual’ email address thing because there’s a problem with this website doesn’t allow some links, or at least pending it).
we can continue our discussion deeper and more personal there (in email)
thanks.

I helped a guy one time who had cancer. I gave him a ride to the cancer treatment center. He didn’t want my help after that day because I smoke cigarettes and he detested the smell, even though I never smoked the whole time we were together. (That’s beside the point though). He told me he was pronounced clinically dead once. He was much younger at the time of the experience. But what he experienced was nothing. He was convinced that nothing existed once a person passes into the threshold. Nothing! Can you imagine nothingness? What if he is right? Do I want nothingness?

I experienced […]

… I wanted to do a video.. But I’m nervous to… I… My life is Hell.. It really is.. First off, abuse, alcohol, drugs, beating.. From my Dad, from my Mom.. I have no Dad he left to go with some whore… My Mom still hits me and kicks me and calls me slut and stuff.. I have been cutting for about two years.. I started last year and stopped towards the middle of that year.. Recently life has gotten harder.. Love, family, money, alcohol, cutting, homeschooling, no friends, no family, no one I can talk to.. I want help, I want to get better.. […]

Why do you turn good, innocent things into wrong, into sin?  Why do you have to fuck with my mind to the point that even happiness causes me to want to pull the trigger?  I should not have to deal with this.  You tell me you treat me like an adult, but I have to wait until you’re long asleep to do what I want, without you looking over my shoulder.  And as a parent you are supposed to help me through life, be there for me when no one else is, give me advice.  But no you slap this nonsense religion in my face […]

I suppose that I’m coming to terms with what “living” means. It’s not what you hope it will be as a child.

Though, I do still feel like a child most days.

I can’t have what I want or do what I please so most days I simply do nothing.

Growing up I (mostly) had everything I needed.

I suppose that’s why I simply can’t accept life  for what it truly is; suffering and struggling to get by and move forward.

I can’t remember the last time I felt happy or content.(unless I was smoking weed or taking pills)

Why is it that the only things that make me feel good […]

Does anybody… anybody have any tips for making the pain stop? Everyday for the last year has just been one heartache after another. I have no real friends to talk to, and the only close friend I have lives over 2000 miles away, and I don’t need to burden her already burdened life with my problems. I live in a small town, there’s really no therapists, not that I would go to one anyways. I don’t trust anyone in my family enough to tell them whats going on. I’m not religious, I despise organized religion, and they are all hard-core catholic. I’d just get a […]

I’ve decided to blow a large amount of cash from my next unemployment check and purchase a bus ticket to California. I have never been to the beach. I have never been out west. I’m going to take a bus there and not tell anyone. I’ll stay until I have enough money to come back to Pennsylvania. When I return, i’m going to kill myself. It is the only thing I can think about and the only thing that quiets my racing mind and brings me solace. I have lost literally everything that has ever mattered to me. Some of it was my fault, some […]

so much has been happening to me. its like a roller coaster ride. but more dangerous. i keep crying and i cant stop. even if i want to. the tears just keep spilling. life is so unfair. why do we have to live by the rules? and not just how we’d like to? our government is corrupt. going to a dr visit cost hundreds of dollars while nothing is done. school cant teach anymore. not enough funding. people lying, stealing, cheating. when did it become like this?? or has it always been this way? maybe it has. and people are either opening their eyes now […]