starts by oneself. though, I still would marry just to Die with assistance. but, the causes for the suicidality are reflected down. to Life for a Biography does not motivate me. not even compassionate happiness does me. the book is something, .. oh, and rememberance.

feels not like forgetfullness when I need to remind myself chapter per chapter about my own Life. i can not again tear everyone down with my focus on me, to find that me is still more than the average and come down to worthlessness and staggering progress or loose discipline. even if I’d find a similar chance, I always am sick […]

it feels not good to try to get enough of something.

the quality even increases.

close to all is back in my memories.

motivation are cigarettes.

solitude and sanity.

anger? most gone.

like to smile.

can not be left like that though. i would like to still, but the hassle of getting drugs? fears about are just to be conscious when it happens.

also, I can not sleep again through whole months, being vegetative seemingly.  it’ll be called an exception some day to get into substances. facing the right medication, therapies.. but nothing of me being Human, any Interest.

Social Networks will Fade. I hate doing waste, doing Moods. Be Happy, most Type of […]

death is eventually going to get us

why not just do it now

why cant we do it

what are the reasons

because someone loves you or the other way round?

its your choice

you need to make it

i cant think of anything to say to convince people to live their life

i just saw this post titled “i dont want the world to end, i just dont want to be in it”

my life feels like that

i dont want to be a burden for everyone i love

i dont want them to suffer for me

to spend money on me that they could be using for themselves

to buy themselves food

not me anything but me

anyone […]

I’ve settled with the day Im going to do it.

My 20th birthday in September.

Absolutely fool proof.

Now I have 9 months to raise the courage.

UPDATE: I drove off the road today. Stopped myself tho.

When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..

The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..

And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are […]

I was chatting with my mom, and I didn’t understood something she said and when I asked her, she told me that I was dumb and got angry with me, I felt terrible, because most of the time I don’t understand things, and tried to hold my tears, but began to cry more, and she got angrier and told me that I was just doing a tantrum, but I feel so hurt, I don’t know why, lately in my mind I’ve been telling me that I’m stupid, that don’t deserve good things and then she told me that, so now I’m crying and I can’t […]

Would it be considered giving up to accept that I cannot fly? Or, that I cannot breathe underwater?

We have this crazy idea that, if we just try a little harder, we can push through anything. That it will always pass. That things inevitably must get better. Because, surely, it can’t always be this bad, right?

I know someone who uses the threat of suicide to blackmail people into complying with their wishes.
“You can’t leave me, I’ll kill myself.”
“How dare you disagree with me! Your mean behavior makes me want to die.”
On and on. Every other day. I’m not saying that person doesn’t need […]

I’m tired.
Everyday I think this to myself.
I’m so tired.
You know what I’m tired of. You understand.
I’m so fucking tired.
Difficult to pinpoint what but you, who feels the same way, gets it.
Right?

Fate isn’t real.
Destiny isn’t real.
Purpose isn’t real.
They are all illusion, for people to keep living.

We are the ones who choose our fate, our destiny, and what our purpose is.
I know that, I’ve passed existential crisis before I even entered college.

Gratifying; it leaves you feeling like you can be whatever you want. Fuck society and its limits.
Also, Numbing; it leaves you hollow. The knowledge that […]

I hate that I have to live another day knowing that my ex boyfriend doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want me to talk to him…
I’ve unleashed so much erratic and irrational behaviour to him. I sometimes feel ok, but this guilt is constantly lingering inside me… I’m forever going to have to live with this guilt.
I want to genuinely apologize for all the hurt, pain, and suffering that I’ve caused him but I know he wouldn’t be interested in hearing it.
I am thinking that I should wait a few months to do this, but I am itching to do it now! […]

It’s kind of absurd how one of the worst things in the world has come to feel like the most amazing thing in my mind. How could someone become so morally confused? I suppose it happened gradually. Years of ignoring taboos, pushing boundaries. Sinking to the lowest depths to avoid facing feelings I didn’t know how to deal with.

But I can’t help thinking there was always something inherent in me, some disposition or vulnerability to evil. I don’t think I would have chosen this from a position of total moral clarity. Something was always wrong, and it just grew with me.

Could it have been otherwise? […]

February 14th is of course Valentine’s day
February 15th marks 6 months since my fiance died
I just can’t bear the thought and I think I might kill myself on the 14th

My world is a frenzy of shitty results and sharp corners. I’m expected to be perfect because I’m the youngest only girl, but apparently that’s not what’s gonna happen. I used to be a Christian but now I think otherwise because of something’s i just recently found out. My boyfriend cheated on me after four years, with my BEST FRIEND, and my parents don’t even blink an eye. They say “hey since he slept with your friend you get to sleep with his.” As if I want to sleep with a player. I’m on this website so that someone can tell me what to do, […]

I’ve settled with the day Im going to do it.

My 20th birthday in September.

Absolutely fool proof.

Now I have 9 months to raise the courage.

UPDATE: I drove off the road today. Stopped myself tho.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, he used the excuse of my mental health 🙂

He told me that if i began seeking help and worked on fixing myself we could get back together. I don’t know why I tried to fix things with him, I was so unhappy with the way he treated me and not to mention cheating on me with two different girls.

We continued hook up even though it broke me because it made me feel like he wanted me. After a month of trying to fix me he broke things off and it came out that he was leading me on […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here.

Things are slightly better, thanks to the shittier years before this one i failed school, I’m not that caught up on it because I’m stuck in the mentality that it doesn’t really matter because one day I’ll die and who cares about if I failed school then.

I’m almost 18, I’ve never had a proper job and I still can’t drive, every time i try to apply myself to these situations I have horrible panic attacks and can never bring myself to do it.

I hate my body and my soul, every time i try help myself through a […]

I want to disappear.
That’s pretty much how to sum it up.

You know, I’ve always been jealous to babies who weren’t born; who weren’t given a chance to grow up- to have consciousness. To animals who have insufficient intelligence to grasp abstract thoughts and ideas; just pure instinct.

I hate myself while thinking I’m better than almost everybody.
I hate having so much plans for the future, and not see myself in the future.
No, not see myself getting to the future I want, but not seeing myself just existing in the future itself.
I hate a lot of things, most of the things I do, […]

send me a kik message at: Kalmahavak

I officially lost all my friends and I don’t want to be lonely. Please I need someone to talk with and not leave me please.

But the future doesn’t look too good either.

I just told a friend of mine that I have suicide thoughts and I don’t know if this was the correct thing to do. She was surprised because I did bring it up of nowhere and I knew I would burden her with it but still I thought it was good to tell her. But now afterwards I am not so sure anymore because I know it will be hard on her and it’s just not fair from me to burden her with this knowledge.

Anybody similar experiences?

every single day.

i’m being forced into living and it doesn’t work anymore, my head won’t work.

it’s fun to see how long i can last without help, it’s been what, 3,4 years? never even seen the face of a therapist, and hopefully i’ll die before seeing one