I don’t believe in you; you know this. But I can; you know this as well. I know that you know that I’ve been rolling with the devil and in general, have just been a real suck. I know I can do though if you just give me something. Give me something to believe in. The devil tells me to look in the mirror and believe in myself but I can’t, I just can’t.

I can be better than all of the mungkhees in the world combined but I need help. I need something that’s just for me, to let me know I’m alive and breathing; […]

I spent my lunch hour sitting in the food court trying to write some stupid rhymes. By the end of my time, I’d scrawled some BS about terrorism and self loathing and it’s along the lines of what I usually write about but wtf man? What the hell am I doing with myself? Why am I wasting my time writing stupid rhymes that nobody but me cares about? I’m not the velvet underground; no one is going to love my shit after the fact. I’m so stupid; I focus on the wrong things, keep doing the wrong things. I want to scream and rage and destroy […]

listening

the sounds from those
tears over expectations
not met
though not abandoned

monotonous duties
so much to grieve
unappealing wasted time
all to be waiting again

the icy still muscle
of my heart longs
for the mundane task
that brings such dissatisfaction

the warm bodies who ignore
and never see what is

the days that slip by unfulfilled

with your deep breath
you sob your misery
and wish death upon your self

longing for when there will be no pain
no sadness to feel
or crush of loneliness

lifeless in my grave
without dream
I cannot grieve your sorrow
your dejection
over things not yet lost

take my death upon you
feel what […]

As I am walking through failure and defeat
Unsure of the right path, soles on my feet
Lost the will to fight, sleep and eat
If life is a song, maybe I should just skip this beat…

What is it to be alive?

Is it just breathing?

Is it walking?

Is it eating?

How am I suppose to feel?

Am I suppose to feel happy?

Am I suppose to feel sad?

Am I suppose to feel lonly?

When am I suppose to do things?

While Im half asleep?

While Im sad?

While Im in pain?

Where am I suppose to be?

In my house?

In the ocean?

In a store?

Who has the answers?

Does God?

Do familys?

do friends?

My post got deleted. Wow. I could just restore it from the trash but I don’t want my account to get deleted too.

they said that it will be better in the morning… 9 years have past and no, it was not better in the morning… for 9 years its only gotten worse!! each cut leaves a new scar, a new memory a new tear!! it is not fair!! night after night he came into my room… he took more then I could EVER give!! not once did he ask… not once… but hey cheer up it will get better right??? BULLSHIT!! Life does not get better!! nothing makes sense… EVER!!!! I wish I was not so afraid to die…

So here’s what has happened.

The last couple of weeks were really good, I don’t know why, they just were. I had more self confidence, I didn’t cut myself once, and when I thought about suicide I’d think to myself that it probably wasn’t what I wanted. I went to my psychiatrist and she told me that my depression had dropped dramatically, but my anxiety had gotten worse. I was pretty happy to hear this, so I went to school and told my two best friends, who were so happy they were almost in tears.

Then it got worse again. I cut myself again, because that’s the […]

Sleep sleep sleep. It continues to elude me. Been laying here for a couple hours now but all I can think about is going back. Back to the time when things were right. I wish I had someone to talk to. I don’t want to bother anyone in my life and get them tangled up in my depression. That’s not fair to make them be all worried and watching out for me. I think only two, maybe three or four, depending how observant my family members are, know that I’m in this state. Well none of them know it’s this bad, but only those few […]

It’s been a while that I like involving in these stuffs. Watching news, searching on the internet, reading and seeing the interview. My friends told me not do that, but I just can’t help. I don’t wanna talk to them anymore cuz it’ll only scare them. I’m frustrated, sometimes I ask myself, why do we need to live? We will die sooner or later, why don’t we end this tragedy instead of continue suffering? Sound crazy right? But you will never know how I feel. I can only see the dark side of things, the failure and the useless life. I’m a fresh graduate with […]

Hi… I”m still here…

I have a twisted ankle and a broken finger(index) and I’m lying in bed…

It happened today, I was on the oval (rare sight) and these guys were playing football. I guy had kicked the football and it was about to go onto the road so I jumped up and caught it. Next thing you know they all came charging at me yelling “HE’S GOT THE BALL ARGGHHHH” and tackled me, forming a dog-pile. And I’m surprised my face isn’t broken because someone sat on it in the tumble. What the hell did they eat earlier on??!! After that they left me and […]

I cringe every single time I see a photo of me. There’s nothing good about me. My hair never goes right, I’m fat, I can’t smile, I am just not good to look at all together. Part of my daily routine is to just look in the mirror and wish continuously that I was someone else.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever wanted to die quite like I do right now. I can see exactly one star out my windshield and it looks like it’s flashing, as if it’s going to die soon. Maybe I will too.

I’ve noticed that there hasn’t been a lot of talk of after the suicide sort of thing. I mean, I see why one might not care. But personally I want to make sure that I am not buried. I want to be cremated and have my ashes put in the ocean. Seems silly I know. But does anyone else find this important? Or just me?

I just came up with the greatest advice today. You ever feel tired, alone, or stressed out? Well you know what I do when that shit gets me down?

Get a computer or an iPod in your room. Hook it up to an amp. Sit on a chair or your bed facing the amp.

Quietly close your eyes and think of all the shit you’ve gone through to stay alive to this very moment in your life.

Now scream, “FUCK THIS!” AS LOUD AS YOU MOTHERFUCKING CAN!! TURN TO YOUR FAVOURITE AND LOUDEST SONG, AND FUCKING ROCK THE FUCK OUT UNTIL YOU’RE SWEATY LIKE FUCKING FUCK. DO IT, ******.

Repeat.

Stress relieved?

Good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMtX1BFdnWk

  Today I decided life is pointless. It’s just full of broken hearts, hurt feelings, and people that don’t give a crap about you. My mom is normally always here for me.. But not today. I don’t think she realizes how much it bothers/hurts me when she says the things she does. I know that if I’m gone things will be easier for her and probably everyone else. I’m tired of trying to be perfect and getting good grades and hiding all my flaws. Because sooner or later it won’t matter.
  Everyone dies.. Whether it’s old age, a car accident, or even suicide. I […]

I’m so afraid to get too attached.

Don’t you just wish you could live without all the pain? Without all the tears? Without all the broken hearts and heavy fears? Life is so difficult, and I will never have the guts to commit suicide. I’m just gonna spend my whole life in misery, wondering why I can’t just be happy like my far-away friends, watching them all grow up, get married, have a reason to live, bur not me. I’m just a side-friend that no one pays attention to. Because that’s the truth. No one wants me, no one will. Just an empty life wishing I had some reason to live, but […]

Since my last post, a lot has gone through my mind and a lot has happened.

The money I had saved up for my future with my ex, I have now donated to charity. Im only 20 and for the one I loved, the one who destroyed me and left me. I saved up 62k (the reason I add a number is because I did this for her at such a young age), which is now with charity, I feel both happy and sad when I did this. It was for her, but as Im no longer going to be here soon, I want to do […]

Did you ever notice, live spelled backwards is evil? hence life is evil. So, what’s the point of living? Nothing. Nothing at all. At least not for hopeless people without a future like me. No
love, no affection, no life, no hope. :,/