Oh, hello, 3am.

Since my last post, I’ve started cutting daily–there are scars all over my body, everywhere but my arms. I still burn–and I still prefer burning–but I had forgotten how much more convenient cutting is…and how much more beautiful the scars are.

I move in for college in two weeks–I dunno if that’s good or bad. New beginning means that I might find normal friends, and maybe even be a normal person. Ha. Not likely. But I can get a counselor/therapist once I’m away from home, since my parents don’t realize how far gone I am. Let’s see if I actually do it once I’m […]

so what i feel is everything i do is wrong. my story is… i was in seventh grade and one day i realized that no at all had hugged me or said i love you since i was injured falling off the roof at the age of five. i began trying to make friends preferably girls. i tried to be kind and gentle and kept trying to get that small hug, but nothing happened. later i was in ninth grade, i had frequent quiet episodes where i would ignore EVERYONE. during this whole time i was being degraded by a loving mother. i had often […]

I know I shouldn’t be. My sister is finally home from the navy and yet I still feel depressed. I had a horrible dream that she left and I cried histerically. I wonder if that is a sign that when she really does leave I might finally rest in peace. I don’t know. Maybe I will succeed? I don’t know but I wish this horrible sadness will end soon. I know for sure my family hates me. Or just truly dislikes me a lot. I dont feel one ounce of love from them though my grandmother constantly tells me she does. Maybe I am just […]

My coldness scares me sometimes. I’m uncaring and sometimes I don’t care about my lack of empathy. Other humans are like unfeeling robots to me. They are strange, alien, and unfamiliar to me. I cannot comprehend the fact that they can feel. They can love and hurt and be heartbroken. I understand that on a logical level, but I have a hard time believing it or caring. Something is wrong with my brain. I am heartless and completely apathetic.

Ive gotten to a stage where im sick of my life and just want this misery to end, nothing new. Ive suffered from depression ever since i was a teenager and all efforts ive taken to find a desire to live have failed. as i said its nothing new.

I want to hang myself but before i do i want to know if its going to take me out relatively quickly and efficiently.

I actually thought i was going to kill myself a few weeks to a month ago, but my friend somehow stopped me. School is but a few days away, and for me that means horrible grades(because im so stupid and cant understand a damn thing im taught in school), horrible grades will get my parents to yell at me which, in turn, will bring suicidal thoughts like no other. Also, ill be attending the same school as Her, the person whom i shall love with all my heart forever. And just the sight of her, just the sound of her voice can bring me […]

Or killing yourself  is the only rational choice for those who don’t like people in general? I have been thinking about this for such a long long time. In fact, i have decided that the latter really makes sense, but i’m afraid of botching up the attempt and continuing this life as a “disabled misanthrope”, which is the equivalent of Hell in our world.

Well, i was not completely this way during my childhood and adolescence; well i did not have many friends in any time of life (i have an asperger syndrome by the way), but i had some close ones at that time. Also […]

I feel twitchy but it felt a lot better… I choked and panic set in as I looked out the window and saw blurry white skies… I scared myself I wanted to push harder… It didn’t work am I more resilient against it now?…. Just forgot what I was gonna say… Saw that weird white thing zoom on by again… Is Rogue Shadow back?… Haven’t heard from him in a while… My legs felt a little tingly… I am more resilient dammit… Now I must keep going…gonna try again if a few hours maybe…

For the last 2 weeks of vacationas a soon to be junior in high school, I have been playing video games all day every day, nothing else at all, isolated from other humans other than mom stepdad sister uncle and occasional friend. Other than that nothing. I have a routine after 1am…

2:00A.M.
I feel depressed and sad, I also post on SP usually at that time.

3:00A.M.
I feel some sort of crazy insanity. Highly likely this time I would choose to murder or suicide.

4:00A.M.
Oddly, I end up feeling aroused/horny and romantic, but also lonely, normally I masturbate at this time or […]

Does anyone else know this feeling of being isolated when surrounded by other people? Being all alone despite having so many people around you? I can’t seem to get rid of it. I feel like I’m cut off or distanced from everyone else by an invisible wall. I can’t trust any of them because I don’t know any of them. I want to feel connected to someone. I feel like I can’t reach anyone because I’m not real enough to touch them. Am I alone in this too? I hope nit. I’ve only recently found this site and for the first time I feel like […]

I follow the tracks
You say lead me home
I look towards a gun
When I am alone
Times have changed
And so have you
When I wake up
I’ll be amongst a different crew
That child that laughed
Is now full of black
The child that smiled
Is never coming back

truely what is there im an atheist and this post is not to change anyone just the fact that i want answers to questions no one has answers to like why were we put here i truely belive this is hell if there is a hell we come here we suffer and then we die and get thrown in a hole and no one gives a rats ass about us pepole say the know what your going through and they wana help but they dont give a 2 drips of piss about you and i mean who the fuck came up with this bible bullshit […]

I know that there are people worse off than I, but I just feel hopeless. I’m pretty sure it isn’t just teenage angst because the hopelessness has been in my thoughts for 5 years. I’m 18 now.

No one knows I feel like this.
To everyone, I’m the happy, awesome kid that people love to be around because I’m almost never negative.
I have a lot of acquaintances, but I’ve never had a friend.
I never could talk to my family. I almost committed suicide for the sole purpose of getting attention from them. I just wanted to feel like they care about how I feel. […]

You sit there
Staring
Acting like I’m not
A human

What did I do?
I didnt mean to hurt you
Nobody was supposed to
Be sad

A little twist
Just a touch
A red streak shows
So does my smile

Its all I can remember
From last Tuesday night
I’m sorry, I really am.

But I cant wait
To do it again.
Next time, end it
All.

Fuck I really hope I go to get my yearly MRI next week and then have the Neurosurgeon go over it and tell me that it’s (my brain tumor) back!!! I don’t want to keep living this fucking LIE of a life! The worst decision I ever made was to have the first HUGE brain tumor removed! what the fuck was I thinking!? I could have just died and been done with this bullshit life! This is the only place I can just blatantly say : “I want to fucking die!!!” I can drop hints all I want on Facebook or even just wear black […]

Fuck I really hope I go to get my yearly MRI next week and then have the Neurosurgeon go over it and tell me that it’s (my brain tumor) back!!! I don’t want to keep living this fucking LIE of a life! The worst decision I ever made was to have the first HUGE brain tumor removed! what the fuck was I thinking!? I could have just died and been done with this bullshit life! This is the only place I can just blatantly say : “I want to fucking die!!!” I can drop hints all I want on Facebook or even just wear black […]

Hello.  I just joined this site.  I really need help and there is no where to get it.  Please?  What do I do…

I’m so depressed and stressed out.  I’ll be losing my job soon because I was hired on as temporary, my fiancee is having problems with his disorder, Borderline Personality, and my parents don’t believe in depression/aren’t really there in my life.

I have no friends.  It has gotten to the point that I now ask random strangers that I’ve only had one conversation with to be my friends.

I’ve gained a lot of weight.  I have been meaning to get a gym membership but I […]

Before i start this i just wanna say, this is not a sob story, i don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, it’s just to leave something behind for when i leave.

so i grew up with my mother  who kicked dad out ’cause he took her money to buy booze and they argued a lot. dad’s an alcoholic and mum takes a bunch of prescription pills. i was bullied in school, almost been killed 3-5 times. i have no irl friends, like really, i don’t. i lost them all because of my mental issues, i don’t mind not having friend though.

mum never had a […]

I’ve posted some entries here before, under the name of sebastior (forgot my password so i made a new account)

anyway so yeah, i think i’m ready to go, gonna wait for mum to go take a nap, then i’ll leave the flat and yeah. i’ve finished the suicide note and the personal note to mum. gonna test the method again before i go, just to make sure i do it right

so errm i’ll be going pretty soon i’m guessing. i’ve said i’ma do this for over a month but i keep pussying out, but this time i don’t think i will, or at least i […]

i don’t feel as much as i used to. i certainly think more. more than i feel i should. it’s not that there isn’t beauty in this world. it’s just i don’t know how to feel anymore. it’s a strange feeling. the feeling of not feeling. of knowing that you’re supposed to worried, but you can’t bring yourself to anymore mental strain. after the death of my father and brother, both to suicide, my grandfather is ill again. he’s 89 this year. and it’s getting slow for him. i don’t know if i’ll cry when he dies. i don’t know if i can’t bring myself […]