It’s been nearly three weeks since the world was told of my plan to kill myself. Now, here I am, stuck fighting to make myself want to live. I see no point in living, I’d rather just quit. It’s like being drafted to fight a useless war with no hope of victory. Friends and family want me to go on, but what good is living if it’s only done for the desires of others? I can make myself forget the utter pointlessness with simple distractions: videogames, television, exercise, conversation…but they all feel so empty. Nothing has value, nothing ever can. I don’t want to just […]

Hey, I just wanted to say hi and it was good to see you were still on here trying to help people. I’ve been gone for a while doing research on DP (depersonalization), fighting migraines and strep throat.

But I’ve thought about you and I ll always remember you were the first person to respond to my first post… thanks. 🙂

Take care. I ll be back again sometime and I d like to get your email if that’s ok. If you’re friends with Amber you can get it from her.
There’s also a post I commented on that I ll be checking on, so I […]

I shouldn’t be breathing anymore, but I am. I shouldn’t be alive anymore, but I am. People continue to inadvertently give me reasons to stay, I say, “I have to stay until after this event, until after I return his book, until after I’ve done that for her…”
But I’ve never found a reason to stay for me. I’ve never decided I would stay because I wanted to. It was always because of my fear of hurting someone else more than necessary…

🙂 hello

The only thing thats keeping me alive is that promise. Since that day i can’t kill myself. No matter how hard i want to i cant. Same goes for my friend. He can’t kill himself either. I’m pretty sure he is doing well as i feel there is a gun pointing to mine head. I cant take it anymore >- < i feel like im crying on the inside and it hurts. v- v it hurts alot. I'm trying my hardest, but i dont know anymore. Maybe just staying in my room all my life can help. Or have insanity take its course. […]

I’m not sure why, but I’ve always felt like everyone hates me. I truly mean everyone. And it sucks. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Not let anyone else down, not ruin anyone else’s lives. I just want to stop hurting everyone.

Okay.. So I’m not writing this because i’m really depressed or anything like that.  Right now I couldn’t cry if I wanted to.  I’m in a neutral emotion and I guess it might be distorting my real feeling or something… But I’m really tired of hurting people.  I feel like that’s all I do.  I let people close to me and these people want to help me.. To fix me.  I warn them that it won’t get better and for a while it might, and they think they did good.  All of a sudden I spiral downward.  I can’t do it.  I can’t smile for […]

I lost it.

I’m that much of a failure.

I lost my own fucking blade.

My mom found my other 2.

Now me.

Super smart me dropped it somwhere and now I can’t fuckung find it.

I retraced my steps and everything.

Fuck.

never imagined dat i’m going to be like this. once i was a meritorious student. gradually i lost interest in my studies due to less marks in public exam. this continued and finally i failed in my graduation. since dat day i feel dat i dont deserve to live since i’m not reading well, i should not enjoy, i should not talk with people…………etc. i imposed all these restrictions on myself. i have everything i want……but not happy. future seems to be hopeless. no confidence on me, fear of failure, stage fear, irritation, always lost in thinking, not interested in anything, feel dat unfit to […]

“I’ve wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but I still love life. That ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our most pernicious inclinations. What could be more stupid to persist in carrying a burden that we constantly want to cast off, to hold our existence in horror, yet cling to it nonetheless, to fondle the serpent that devours us, until it has eaten our heart?”
— Candide by Voltaire

So… my therapist has provided me with an antidepressant. It makes me feel a bit dizzy. Like when I turn my head my mind kinda lags behind. But apart from that, it does nothing!!! I keep oscillating between sadness and anger. I hate my life. I have no life. Damn.

My therapist asked me if I want to try medication. This was difficult. It still confuses me. Somehow, I’m here for help and I seem eager to try it. But at the same time, I want to die. Medication will only make it harder (at least I thought so). I don’t know what to make of […]

Seeing as I’m on the verge of a relapse. Harming again, freakin’ burnt myself with a lighter and it’s made a 3cm squared burn on my arm, broke down in the school toilets today, and blahdy blah, the usual shinanigins that go with depression. I’m making little tasks.

1. Get over these trust issues, the whole ”she/he’s ignoreing me” ”they’re talking about me” ”they won’t keep it a secret” ”she’s going to betray me”. I need rid of it.

2. PARANOIAS. Dear god, that needs to go. I need to stop getting scared at the littlest things.

3. Forgive my brother, he’s not the kid who assaulted me […]

I’m really trying to want to live but I don’t want to anymore.  It’s unusual because Springtime is when I’m usually the happiest from seeing how beautiful everything looks after cold and dark winters.  It’s just making me more sad, though, that I see all this beauty but it’s not making me happy anymore.  I just don’t want to be here.  My childhood sucked, high school sucked, college sucked, grad school sucked, my job sucks.  I’ve gone through all of that and I’ve been depressed the entire time.  I’m tired of fighting to live.  Fuck this shit and fuck everybody who knew about my case […]

has anyone heard from her???? Havnt seen her post anything in awhile.

I have an essay which is due in 18 hours or so, its 2000 words. I haven’t done anything. I decided that I should do this assignment as I pretty much fail the unit if i dont. I cant focus on any of this crap. I couldn’t even remember how to get into the library resources. My counsellor is referring me to the psychiatrist to get an evaluation and I think at the moment, my functioning level would be pretty low :/

I was standing on the curb today waiting for the light to change to green and i was wondering if it would be such a bad thing […]

I’d probably go by hanging. Passive hanging. It’s like the choking game but taken to another level. I read about it somewhere. I don’t know much but you pass out and then die. Random: I just heard something run across the roof of my house. Thank goodness it’s daylight now otherwise I would’ve been freaking out.

I don’t understand how to contact people or reply to post. I don’t know- this is my first day on the site. If anyone wants to email me and talk  please email me nursehart30@yahoo.com.

I am new on here,  I am in the darkest moments of my life. I live a couple hours away from any family. I have no friends. I have kept out most of everyone that means anything to me. I have a boyfriend that is understanding at times but I don’t think he really understands the intensity of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I fight suicidal urges daily. I fantasize daily of ending the pain. I have a very stressful and demanding job. When I’m at work (AS A NURSE) I try to block my thoughts and just go full […]

I was once the most happy, carefree loving life, kinda person once. Somehow things have taken a turn for the worst, I know why they have, now I just want to leave it all behind.  I have nothing to live for, I care anymore. I dont want to cause anymore pain to those that do care by them thinking they could have done something about it.  Thing is they cant do anything about so the less they know the better, they don’t have to live with they pain that I do….Im am still hoping that there is something around the corner to convice me to return […]

I walked towards the traffic on purpose, and almost tried to get run over by them. My boyfriend was not listening to me.