I feel like killing myself plus others
I have wasted my childhood. Being a retard. Isolating myself from all social interactions. Wasted my time reading books with useless information (books for kids teaching some stuff about planets and stuff) and enjoyed loneliness. Came in middle school having absolutely no knowledge of social interactions and spent free time programming on 80’s microcomputers (really? I was born in 2003, why play with such old trash?). So when I finally tried to interact with people (around 14) it was a total disaster. I kinda got it now, how to not look like a creep, but I’m just not an interesting person to talk to. I […]
I am thinking a lot about Death. I want it, but I am more passionate about Love. I would set myself Alive for Love, I would make my Wish to Die true by dying in accompany of those who I love and I could finally stop all my Lifestyle that is bad for my Life.
On the other Side, I could live on with my Lifestyle, doing this with my beloved ones, not in Direction to Die from, but with the Perspective of enlightment, to have occupations of Truth to found on, to enjoy being alive and to have the Thrill of doing wrong to Law.
I […]
Everything is so loud.
All I want, is some peace.
I want to stay somewhere quiet, sleeping, maybe to never wake up.
But I can’t, I can’t sleep, and I can’t stay somewhere quiet.
They would not want me to.
They are the loved ones.
But those loved ones, won’t let me meet someone I love.
‘Cause they are scared.
They fear the unknown.
But I fear the monsters that are coming for me, they will eat me up, and I will not be able to fight them..
They don’t know, and they cannot know.
But someone knows..
All I want is to meet this someone..
Before the monsters come..
Every time i get close to doing a suicide attempt, one thing in particular stops me. Survival instinct. My brain won’t let me kill myself.
Except, last night the depression got really bad. I was having trouble breathing, couldn’t stop crying and my whole body was trembling. I just wanted the pain to stop. Not breathing seemed to help calm myself so i did that a few times. At some point, i didn’t feel the normal pressure of my body making me breath anymore. I just held my breath and didn’t feel the urge to breath. At that moment my survival instinct was gone. However, the […]
it’s not the romantic part that i want, but i feel like i require something to keep that part of me together, to touch me and let me feel real. i’ve been left out in the conversations, people look at me as if i’m not there. i don’t blame them since i stopped wanting to talk recently.
“a, remember that you’re loved, we love you, come to us if you are feeling down.” they say that but words will never get across. they say that knowing that they don’t want a damn to do with my own business, i don’t want to share either, it’s just […]
Alright. I’ve tried researching this for years now, looking this exact phrase up time and time again since I was in highschool. But I could never find anything. I think that automatically means I’m insane. So be it. I guess that’s something else I’ll as to my list of problems.
I want to preface this by saying, I’m sorry to anyone who is or was abused. I don’t want to make you feel worse about your situation. I know even with this premeditated apology, someone will be thinking “who the fuck does this person think she is.” And You have every right to say that. Because […]
Hello, I’m searching for a Rivets. And if found,demand to know how are thee Rivets. Thanks
(For whoever finds them shall be rewarded with this pretty rock I found. And don’t worry, I already asked if rock was Rivets. Rock not Rivets :/ )
I keep questioning it. Life. You know that thing we are somehow supposed to be grateful for and think that we are supposed to feel that it is worth living. My friends don’s see the signs anymore and part of me likes it that way. They do not know how depressed I am or how painful life is. Most of my friends aren’e even there anymore so its not like they are paying attention anyway. Life just feels like its ripping me in two. It feels like everything is ripping at my soul and mind. It feels like now that my friends are gone I […]
AFI
Miss Murder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU4hhNKsPog
I Hope You Suffer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSNyOYT3dJ8
Grandson
Overdose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSWf8KggnII
Halestorm
You Call Me a ***** Like It’s a Bad Thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3rjBs_mIC8&list=PLS00bSWViOzh5INy9EC8wg-iw2u0u2aIu&index=19
I Miss The Misery https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpJAmlnBxoA&list=PLS00bSWViOzh5INy9EC8wg-iw2u0u2aIu
Korn
Coming Undone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJXle3LP_Q
Misso
Everybody Gets High https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHukwv_VX9A
The Pierces
Secret https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzNFwxsSPwU
Thats just a short list.
Everyday, I wake up feeling low and unmotivated. Even a good night’s sleep can do nothing to ease my fatigue. I feel like we, humans, have made our own life miserable by constantly doing things like smoking, drinking booze, overwork, materialism, hedonism, individualism, and doing politics. I AM DISAPPOINTED. Nothing can make my life become a colorful and happy one. I’ve had enough and nothing can change my view of life. I think life is worthless and pointless to be lived. I HATE EVERYTHING, INCLUDING MYSELF. If there is a time machine, I will use it to kill my parents, so I don’t have to […]
I’m sorry. But you guys make living so tough. ~8 year old me.
Goodbye.~12 year old me
I always play the “am I going to die today or tomorrow” game. Tomorrow used to always win.
If I’m not alive in the morning,today finally won.~27 days ago,16 year old me.
Friday night, I felt depressed, lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore, like I wanted to die, and I didn’t wan to wake up and see another day. Saturday morning, I felt like I wanted to die. Wasn’t ready for work, didn’t wanna go to work. Then at work I was fine, I don’t know if it was because I pushed all my feelings to the back of my mind or my mood swings I always get because of borderline personality disorder. Saturday night, i felt like shit again, like I was lost in some dark, very dark forest. Sunday morning, I again […]
After a few months – as I appear as somebody who is recovering, I still find myself lost into darkness. Recovery seems like learning to put up a face and live a life that the world accepts. I should probably admit that I’ve kept away from a lot of mess by being what I’m supposed to. But ….. Trust me, I found myself back there in insanity.
I’m torn between what the world has asked me to be and what I truly am.
I don’t know what else to write or why the hell I am putting this at all.
i want what i know i cant have. i want to spend my nights partying. going out and getting drunk. doing all kinds of drugs. and then go home during the day. cooking and cleaning for a loving family. but i know i have to choose one or the other.
All I want is to fly.
Wouldn’t it be nice? Just to be able to fly away?
Escaping all the problems of life and finally be free.
Maybe like a dragon, dragons are awesome.
I want to be just like a dragon, do you know why?
‘Cause they do not exist.
One day I was almost able to fly, I decided to send a message with a goodbye, the goodbye should have been almost invisible.
But it wasn’t, the person I sent the message to, was able to read the invisible message, and told me that I cannot fly, because if I flied away, then they couldn’t live anymore, they needed me.
So I decided to wait, I don’t […]
It is as though I have already lived life and am experiencing it in a retroactive daydream… the actors are dull and uninteresting, the unravelling plot equally meaningless and predictable… there is no weight to any information or consequence to action as I have already observed their respective outcomes… this life is a painfully repeated rerun and so I have no interest nor attachment to it… I cannot incite the slightest care in me, I am thoroughly apathetic… nothing matters nor means anything and I am so numb… drifting endlessly through a life I have already lived, subjected indefinitely to hellish, unbearable consciousness… everything is […]
I’m just so tired of crying myself to sleep and expecting a better tomorrow when i know i’m just repeating myself and everyday over and over again…I’m tired of everything…I just want to kill myself 🙁
I feel alone. But the kind of alone that a small fish in a large ocean feels. There’s so much around me. So much to see that I could never view it all in one lifetime. And let me just say that I’m perfectly fine with that. I think life has beat the curiosity out of me. I’ve learned curiosity often kills the cat, and some things are best left unsolved. I like life that way. Unsolvable. I don’t really question why everything is here anymore. I don’t question why we travel around the sun, or why out of all the balls of rock and […]
i can’t let anyone go.
everyday i woke up with the inner voice telling me: do it, this is the day.
i try to keep that urge at the bottom of everything but it doesn’t work. is it my fault? yes. asking for help and some medicine would make it stop, at least that’s what i believe how those pill works.
i’m overanalyzing everything, every word, every expression on people’s faces and i can’t help it. the messages i see kept telling me they hate me, especially when i lift the mask off.
i’m tired, i’m tired and scared, all i want is this to end in any possible […]