I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know I found comfort here a long time ago. I don’t know if I’m looking for the people I had found before or if I hope they escaped the need for this place. There’s no way anyone would remember me. I was just a kid. But maybe if the OG’s are still around, it’ll give me that little push that I find myself desperately needing again. Some kind of inspiration to get up and dust myself off

Maybe this will fall on deaf ears… or just an empty room… but I miss you guys. I hope […]

Part A:

We’re continuing to stress test this thing. IF that wall wasn’t there…….. heh. Let’s just say we should all be glad it is. No particularly dangerous thoughts, I’m able to keep some level of control, externally it looks like I’m pretty well put together.

today though. Work is going nuts, and at the same time, so is everything else. It really started with a flat tire, which turned into my car not being capable of being driven because I need to have a lug nut bolt replaced…… I’ve never heard of this until today…. and I kinda started to crumple after that. Then my backup […]

The evil in me constantly gnaws at my mind. It’s not that I’m afraid I’m going to act on it (even if I had the capacity to), at least not in any real way. It’s that part of me wants to, and that’s one of the few things that feels good. The evil feels good. The rest of me doesn’t. The part of me that’s more moral doesn’t feel good. It’s just sad, and tired, and full of shame. And awareness of the evil provides endless fuel for that shame & self-hatred. Every bad thing I could ever have thought about myself is proved true […]

I popped in to the chipper. There was myself, a drunk, two other customers, a little Italian gentleman who I deduced was the proprietor and a virginal young girl about 18 who was frying the chips. I had to admire the virginal young girls beauty. The drunk was loud and was quite caustic towards the little gentleman in a manner such as  ” you have the best chicken hidden, don’t you? You’re giving me the garbage”. The little gentleman was a bit intimidated by the drunk and retreated to the back quarters of the chipper leaving the virginal young girl to handle the drunk alone. […]

Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of going on. For a little background, I’m currently in a math class and not doing as well as I feel I should be and if I pass the 2 upcoming tests my grade will be pretty good, but I’m not confident at all and I while I had the first test postponed due to my poor mental health, I feel like a failure for having to do that. I’m not confident in myself at all, I feel like I should have been in grad school by now or that I should be doing better in this class. Sometimes […]

I think I have bipolar and only realised it this week, but am too scared to go the doctors to have this confirmed because I fear this may well push me over the edge.

Right now the suicide demons aren’t on top of me, but they aren’t too far off at the realisation of this new mental health condition sent to test me.

Am not sure that I can cope with this new awareness of sickness – or if I adopt a glass half full approach – “life challenge.”

It was my brother that asked me whether I thought I might have […]

I’m irritated.

I hate when I get randomly irritated.

Seems I’m always irritated.

I actually cleaned, washed clothes, washed and vacuumed the car, cleaned out the bathroom and kitchen so I took care of house chores today at least.

But honestly, I’m fed up. Shit’s too expensive, and I have no clue how I’d manage a 2nd job with the current one I have. I do need another income source.

On top of that, I think I also screwed any chance I had at love and it’s my own fault.

I care about this one person way too much, and idk if […]

Sugar makes happy (well briefly at least, before the crash). Gives me a high. Helps me be more productive by giving me energy. I can get more things done if I consume sugar. BUT ofc, it fucks up your health bc sugar is unhealthy af. But what should I do? I’m depressed af and tired af and get nothing done all day every day (due to health issues and depression). But consuming sugar is literally the same metabolic and chemical process as taking cocaine. It’s not healthy to consume sugar. But it’s the only thing that […]

If I had the same view of ppl/the world like I used to (when I was in my 20s, innocent and hopeful)- I wouldn’t be so damn depressed and hopeless. When you’ve seen what life is really like, it’s hard to have a “positive” outlook on life and pretend everything is good or good things will happen.

I kinda wish I was a happy idiot. Instead, I know too much and seen too much of what this life is really like, and how shitty ppl really are. Yeah yeah, there are still some “good” people left, but there’s not many to begin with.

IDK- […]

How Do We Stop Being Depressed and Actually DO Something to improve our lives?

I need to do what @heartlessviking did- he busted his ass, application after application, interview after interview, to finally land a good job that pays well.

I mean in my case, I am too disabled to work (can barely even bend all my toes) but I need to gtfoh and go overseas. But I literally fucking struggle to even get the basic things done, like getting food, changing my bedsheets, cleaning things, etc. I wake up already tired and sick (health issues) and if I manage to get ONE fucking thing […]

FML -_-

I just had a bad dream where my dad was arguing with me and my 2 other brothers in the car. I can’t remember what he was yelling at us about but he started driving aggressively. To be honest, nothing was out of the ordinary in the dream as all of this was happening, that’s how my dad is in real life too. Anyway, we eventually reached one of those loops that are raised high, in the dream it was extra high, like a good 300 feet. As he’s yelling at us, he starts driving off the road and we’re suddenly in free-fall. The car […]

It’s not fair that I’ve had to have such a shitty hard life. Not just hard but I had to work-in-a-sweatshop-since-I-was-7yo kind of HARD. And no, I did not grow up in a shithole 3rd world country. The shithole country I grew up in was here, in good ol’ USA. Land of capitalistic vultures who run our country and screw it’s citizens. Yes, that one.

People (and Presidents) call other countries shithole countries, but but even those “shithole” 3rd world countries like Mexico give it’s citizens universal healthcare. But not us. Not good ol’ USA. Nope.

Anyhow, I was […]

So presenting yesterday wasn’t too horrible. For one thing my advisor was busy so he didn’t show. The other labmates who were there didn’t seem as judgemental as I normally percieve them to be. They actually gave good feedback. Something even more unexcpected happened and my team members helped out when I had a hard time explaining my thought process. CLARA is my main project with it being the focus of my thesis, so the others only really offer input from time to time. Lizzard is where we all try to work on toghether, but that’s been kind of […]

I feel scared to do so. These guys helped me out a bunch. They accepted me with all my flaws. There was nowhere to hide at rock bottom.They saw the real me and to my surprise, they accepted me. It was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere, like I had friends.

I don’t know, maybe they’re not really friends but more like allies. Are those 2 the same?

Before I left, I got all their contact info and they told me to email them, text them, or call them once I got out.

I still have […]

Right, so for the last however many months Tuesday at 1 PM has been my therapy time. I let my therapist know I didn’t know if I could keep the time, I had to talk to my supervisor. I don’t exactly have a lot of assertiveness in this situation right now.

But things worked out, I got the time off, and I showed up, only to find I had no appointment. The issue ended up being I didn’t have the time or energy to investigate why. My current therapist is moving on, getting a new job out of state, good for her… . but I’m supposed […]

I tend to question my mental state.

Today for instance, was just having to look up some apartments. Need to find a new place to live soon. Wasn’t finding any appointments for today, which makes sense considering a lot of people would have setup in advance. But I’ve just been going at it, finding a couple places and calling to see. Nothing yet, but I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Suddenly, I’m looking up if I’m a high fuctioning autistic person and the like. I’m very frustrated with myself.

I feel like I’ve gone off the rails for years now. I’ve never gotten any kinds of definitive […]

According to the NIH:

>At what age does brain shrinkage start?
“It has been widely found that the volume of the brain and/or its weight declines with age at a rate of around 5% per decade after age 40.”

I’m over 40.. -_-

So I updated my team mates and advisor that I didn’t hit my deadline. He didn’t say much but said that my design probably wouldn’t work. I’m not really sure what to expect anymore. It seems like every turn I make I end up just face planting. I never think things through. I wish I did but I never do. I really don’t know how this is supposed to end. Wish I did, but I don’t. Presenting on Tuesday. That’s going to be extra fucking painful. Don’t know why I bother. Recently I told […]

Even during other depressive low points in my life, I was still able to have SOME joy briefly, even if it was for 5min- in stupid things like eating junk food, cakes, ice cream, etc. Now, not even food gives 5min of joy. And playing games at best distracts and keeps the mind numb.

No joy. Not even fleeting moments of happiness. Like zilch. Nothing.

Everything sucks when you have nothing to look forward to.

Life sucks. -_-