You had me give up on my own future because you “needed” me to not go have my own space and take care of myself and my own life.

You talked and acted like you’d kill yourself if I didn’t, like you talked about how you got drunk and smashed your car a little while before.

You didn’t care then that you were emotionally blackmailing me into turning myself into a wreck and throwing my future away.

You didn’t care then that I gave up on everything I wanted for you because of that stupid intense fear and anxiety you made me feel.

You didn’t care how disgusting I […]

I had a strange dream, and it got me thinking about something I observed about a different type of anti social behavior; when you’re the one experiencing the anti social tendency, you tend to sell it as a positive.

I don’t trust anyone at all, including myself. This is years of trauma and frustration manifest. So when I meet a true believer, someone who trust the world and themselves, I recoil. It’s probably why I like the mentally ill and developmentally disabled; the world has failed them, so I don’t have to work to explain how someone who appears trustworthy can rip your heart out. It’s […]

I’m falling so far down. It’s been a week today that I’ve cut every day. I’ve never done a full week straight before, I usually leave a few days because of the sting.

I can’t do anything my peers can do anymore. How can I write university essays when I hardly leave my bed? I can hardly eat. I can hardly be.

There will be consequences. I know there will be. I deserve them for not getting better soon enough. I’m so scared of them, though.

I’m losing the people I love. I don’t have the energy to contact them, and none […]

Went to the orthopedist today. Good news is whoever read my x-rays was wrong. I don’t have a fracture. Just a sprain. Pretty happy about that. Doesn’t change that my ankle hurts like hell, but I don’t need to be afraid of worsening a fracture in my foot. Things have been ok. Not horrible. Just ok. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I was doing great with only thinking about her sometimes. But I’ve had her on my mind a lot lately. Been bummed about that. Drinking right now. […]

Patience is the hardest thing there is. It’s a commonality within a lot of us. Maybe depression is a rational response, to waiting too long, getting impatient.

but as dangerous, is acting thinking that the waiting is pointless. There’s some kind of counterforce, stealer of dreams, or maybe just a root of ruin in every mind. It says hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…. and it thinks, I could push through, I could make it faster.

The shame, when I was younger and more foolish I gave into it. Trying to be less foolish, less wasteful.

because there will be time enough, in the right time. I wanted […]

prioritizing our lives over others’ … what a concept.

i have some psychotic beliefs/magical thinking

talked to a woman on a hotline. mixed reaction. talked to brother. i was seriously considering suicide, but it’s all made up in my head. i’ve been telling others and myself various stories since i’ve been young, and no one spots the discrepancies because i’m smarter than them. but paradoxically, less common sense. acting against my own best interest. this looks like extraordinarily low empathy, but it’s more like empathy towards the wrong people, like to concerning degrees. i became various people i wanted to save, and what did i get in return? such shit responses. perhaps firm, but lacking. mental health everywhere is so […]

My birthday was at the end of last month.  I turned 59, but was very depressed to see the day come and go because I prayed throughout last year that I would die at 58.  I’ve had treatment resistant depression and PTSD for twenty years and I can’t articulate how tired I am of living.  On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 indicating a great quality of life, my life is about a 2.  And that’s only because I can walk, talk, see, hear, smell, taste and use my arms and legs.  It’s almost impossible for me to have any hope of things […]

Moreso I hate the people who ride them. I just did a ride to downtown and back and it was almost perfect, so close. However, fricken urban renewal, in the middle of the ride I had to pass through the new park. I’m trying to be inclusive and not hate on it, even though it adds a mile of unnecessarily complicated and frustrating trail to what is otherwise an absolutely lovely bit of riding.

I got through the north bound with no problems at all. Lured me into a false sense of security. I thought surely I had seen all the silly things I would see […]

well, after hyping myself up for it, looks like the grocery store is a bust, or at least the one I wanted to work at. Maybe I’ll apply for others, but I’m feeling let down by the whole thing. I wanted to walk into a job, literally, that’s a thing that used to happen.

First, they require people apply online…. what’s the point being a job of last resort if you require as much work as actual good jobs (and I mean work to get, not work on the job). Then they also only had one opening, for overnight. I’m not doing overnight, it’s the one […]

It’s been 40+ years of this hellscape.
40+ years of pain and suffering.
40+ years of loneliness and never belonging anywhere.
40+ years of never being loved or cared by anyone.
40+ years of being fucking poor.
20+ years of being chronically sick.

Just tired of it all. I just want a DECENT life. Why can’t I even have a DECENT life?

When will I have love in my life?
When will I have joy in my life?
When will I be happy??
When will I be ok with myself?
When will I have a secure future?

I had a forgotten drunken one night stand years ago with a former coworker when i first had my psychotic break. Weeks later i noticed she had been doting over me and smiling like her first christmas whenever she seen me even though we we never close emotionaly atleast. Then one time we were working the same shift overnight and i noticed the baby bump. Not remembering sleeping with her then(xanax will do that) i chalked up her excitement at seeing me as horny pregnancy hormones or something. I seen her shopping two years ago with a guy i know and a young child thats […]

so i’ve been keyed into being an eccentric reclusive addictive for a while, i just took my first serious work questionnaire and remembered i can pick up social/financial skills if i so desire. previously considering it “beneath me” and not “authentic” but you know what? sometimes the truth is needed, and sometimes it isn’t. going to try to blend a little positivity into my jaded-ness. we share that only with close ones. i never learned how to put a mask on, time is now. will make life much easier, easier than trying to make every single person see me for me or themselves for themselves. […]

Made some friends last year, and we all got really close really quick.
Even back then I was scared of how quick I was warming up to them.
Had the best year of my life back then though.
Closest bonds I ever forged I think.
Now we’re slowly, subtly drifting apart.
And I might be worse than ever before.

I was at the train station. There was a junky going around putting the bite on ppl to use their phone. I couldn’t listen to this shit first thing on a Monday morning. The junky approached me ” Can I use your phone to ring my poor dying mother?” Said the junky. Who the fuck would buy a story like that, or even be able to listen to this shit in the first place. ” Nah…. man” I said.  ” I’ll ask soneone else” said the junky in a deflated manner. ” You do that” I said. I would rather be judged by twelve than […]

I’m in my 30s, have avoidant personality disorder, no friends, no family. I am literally alone all the time. My inner voice has turned into my father telling me how stupid I am. I’m a bit of perfectionist and often call myself “dumb mother fucker” over small things, like dropping my keys.

I’m in college but I don’t feel challenged. Life has become dull and I can’t stop visualizing quickly ending my life. I have a plan to do just that but make it seem as if I just left without a trace. Of course that takes time. I’ve been single for over tens […]

go back in time and undo some decisions… -_-

I haven’t done anything “bad” but like…some decisions have just fucked me up really fucking bad. Just went to the wrong university, got the wrong degree, moved to the wrong cities, and definitely shouldn’t have moved home to my abusive mom’s shitty house- what a boneheaded move…just a whole bunch of stuff like that.

Like some I really didn’t know what was going to happen (like taking that job offer or moving to that city) but others like moving back home- THAT I should have known better. I feel like a dumbass for making ALL the […]

Idk what I’m doing on here – I mean, I’m no different than I am any other time. Today was alright. Was able to hang w my little sister for awhile. Showed her how to play Skyrim a bit, fucked around. It was fun. I may or may not have had to do most of the work, but I was fine with it ahaha. Also, idk what’s up mom’s ass lately, but I’m getting tired of it. The passive aggressive “oh you could do x, y, z for me/us, since you don’t ever do anything” or acting like I’m the most disgusting, vile creature on […]

young person with ODD and emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive tendencies. that’s in the past, and i’d say no one around me had lasting effects, but i’m not entirely sure. perfectionistic tendencies when it comes to my environment and the people in it which makes others see me as stunted. need to get started on anything. anything to move forward. thinking about the arts and the social sciences, but may need to get a trade to be able to live on my own and let others not have to take care of me. don’t have any close relationships. obsessive. scared of getting into bad relationship dynamics/falling into unhealthy […]