Don’t have much to talk about. Haven’t made any headway on my thesis. Never really get anything done during the day. Rather just spend it don’t nothing but screwing around. This is totally end well. For some reason I’ve been feeling a bit happier, but it feels weird because I know I shouldn’t. Been cooking a lot more. Got chicken marinating for fried chicken tomorrow. Had baked fish today. It’s kind of nice to try and see if it turns out well.

Realized I’ve stopped thinking about her as much. Still think about it […]

I’ve been wrestling with what it is that bothers me so much about this interview next week. What’s different? I’m way more invested than usual, for one. I’d really like the job.

The thing I realized though, I never once respected my former employers. Not a one of them. All of them were varying degrees of corrupt, and every time it felt like a faustian bargain; You try not to let me find out how corrupt you are, and I’ll try and ignore it.

but I realize now, it’s scary, the idea working for someone who has integrity and ethics. Their criticism would actually land for one. […]

Can i show up without rvsp. Im burnt out fr9m giving a shit. My hearts growimg cold. Im too freaking crazy to have the type of relationships i want. I have no more excuses, im sorry but maybe i dont give a crap right now. Except for her but i stay away because i lose myself.

Assuming medical/regular technology was advanced enough and medical science advanced far enough that the brain could remain active through the procedure, would you want to become a full cyborg aka brain in cyborg body? For the sake of the argument, let’s assume the cyborg body isn’t one with touch sensitivity.

For me, I would love to become a cyborg. Screw being human!

I just want to sleep and leave this shitty world

So not only do I catch a shitty ass rare horrible bacterial infection from the shitty house/dirty backyard, but when I went to the hospital to get treated, I OFC just HAD to get the shittiest dr and the shittiest nurses. Made my life a living hell when I was there in-patient. And OFC the ***** head nurse in charge puts the WORST person in the room next to me.

The new patient was coughing up a fucking lung, and OFC the ***** head nurse just had to put her in MY room. And OFC I wind up catching whatever shit […]

We only have 2 choices in life- either to off oneself, or if we’re to live, then we need to hustle and do everything we can to better our life. But the thing that is so damaging about depression is that when you are super depressed, you don’t do jack shit to better your life. Like just doing simple things like showering or eating becomes tedious/difficult, let alone being proactive and taking steps to achieve this this or that.

But what if we’re zombies- hating our lives, depressed AF, and not doing jack shit to improve our lives? It’s the fucking worst, bc […]

I am tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow I need to wake up at 6 in the morning. Im a terrible human being. A lot of people love me. There’s a woman who I think I’m in love with. But, limerence…

What an awful thing. The moment that someone becomes  important to me, I already start preparing for losing them. Because I associate love with loss?

Before leaving for my studies, I spent half an hour crying. Before that I played sad tunes on my guitar until my arm hurt. Now, before going to bed, I watched porn. Who am I?

The worst thing is that she makes […]

I never thought I’d wax nostalgic for the days of book reports, that I would end up moved enough by a book that reading it wasn’t enough. I keep hoping I can get my creative juices working and write something of my own, fiction that is. I can write an essay anytime, as observed on here.

If you had asked me last week, I would have said that there were two kinds of horror; the legitimately suspenseful, and the emotional. Personally I consider myself in it for the suspense, I’ve encountered very few effective emotional books.

This one book, The Watchers by A.M. Shine, is a mold […]

“The most precious of all possessions is power over ourselves.”

“What worries you, masters you.”

“Who lies for you will lie against you.”

“Don’t let the things you don’t have prevent you from using what you do have.”
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https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KijI7EAGfOA
~30s

I know a lot of people disagree with my sentiment that it’ll be less work to die old, and that perhaps I’m putting myself through undue suffering

But then I ran into this story of this exceedingly average person for his time, a small businessman in the late 19th century. He died in 1906. But here he is getting talked about, which to me makes him a success story. The legend goes that he tried to spend so much on his monument that his family didn’t get anything. The truth turns out that he wasn’t specific about the amount to be spent. He said 1/6th of […]

? do they point to something deeper or are they just there? what do you guys think

Anyone who’s ever studied statistics knows that #s are easily manipulated to show whatever results you want it to show. I studied stats in college, but moreover, you can easily see conflicting “evidence” on different sites by different sources for things- each side has their own agenda, and so whatever “data” that proves their point is suspect. That goes with the other side as well, whatever that other side is.

Case in point- back in the day, “studies” used to show how great Cocaine was for medicines/health/etc. All those studies just “happened” to be funded by Merck/Pfizer/industries (what a coincidence!). And you […]

It’s funny the older I get the more I wish for death. What does age grant except a decaying body and broken mind… In reality, nothing! Unless medical science advances far enough to replace more major organs with machines especially the brain in the next 30 years but then you get into the philosophy of what is considered human at that point. If a person’s mind could be downloaded into a machine and installed into a robotic body, would they still be considered human is the philosophical question of the day.

Anyway, as stated in a previous post, I do not live for the things that […]

fuck my story. i just want to be a normal person. someone who helps out others. but i have so much contempt for them. so i’m not normal. i’m a little narcissistic. who cares? i don’t understand other people being narcissistic though as much. if anyone was made to be a narcissist, it’s ME. and the people around me aren’t much better. i just want to be around better people. would like to be appreciated too. FUCK THE PAST. gotta put in the work babeeyyyy. if only someone took a fucking interest! but i can’t use that as an excuse. i can’t… it’s all for […]

What’s stopping me? Fear of death/attachment to ideas about life. It’s hard to distinguish between the two. What’s so terrifying about an end to this life?

The finality of it? Knowing it’s something that can’t be undone? A final end to all hopes, dreams, plans, concerns. Letting go, of everything. An end to all that the self is, or thinks it is. Maybe that’s what’s terrifying.

Or is it that I’m afraid it won’t be the end? That the things I’ve done in this life will somehow torment me beyond. That the judgement I’ve been running from for so long will finally hit me. No more running, […]

I have Diabetes. My wife and I fought because she discovered that I have been eating large amounts of sugar and cakes. Sadly, my hands are turning numb and my chest hurts often.

My plan is working.

well, my life circumstances are really kicking me down. i gotta do something abt it. ppl don’t want me to drag them down with me.

update: life is a work in progress, imma bout to get started. would be super great if someone took an interest initially, but they will eventually!

I’m turning 36 tomorrow, but unless things go seriously awry I’m not going to have time or energy to write about it, not the next two days either

Supposedly the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are. I think that’s just for death denial people, those who haven’t accepted that they ARE going to die someday, and that someday gets closer every day. I’m tickled to be older, more excuses to complain about aches and pains and talk about how much better it was when I was young, even though it wasn’t.

It was great when I was a child, compared to now, but being a […]

Anyone else think the best way to commit suicide would be to just lie down on the train tracks and let a train hit you at full speed? I’ve thought about overdosing and also slitting my throat but I think there is a better chance I would end up in a wheelchair rather than actually being dead if I did one of those two things. I also think it would be easier on my family if I went out on the train tracks because they wouldn’t be the first ones to find me when I’m dead and it would most likely be the train driver […]