The month that started all this shit in 2018. I wrote that fucking note and got sent away with my sisters. I had the problems for years beforehand, but I guess that was the first “scare” where I was genuinely going to try at some point to end it. On the 21st I moved away, telling her goodbye, never seeing her in person since. It fucked so much up. It made me unreliable to everyone, I wasn’t there so I couldn’t help with anything. This happened all right before my mom’s birthday, too, so I fucked that up as well. I’m not stupid enough at […]

after almost a month of no therapy…. today I arrived to my appointment to find myself meeting with my social worker, which is fine…. she tells me that my therapist no longer works for them

at the time I thought he had quit, that was the impression she wanted to give…. but I realize even now I may never know what really happened to him, or if he did quit why?

I can’t help feeling some guilt, I don’t think I’m a particularly pleasant person to provide therapy to…. what if he killed himself? IDK. IDK. I try to cast my mind to some resolution, and it […]

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Venting about what has been taken from me… thanks to many years of being unfairly pressured to take drugs from GPs and professionals who never cared about me from childhood.

My heightened empathy. I used to be able to feel people’s emotions intensely, if you were upset about something and hiding it behind a smile, I’d be able to sense that something wasn’t right. Friends of mine, if any of them needed help in any way, I’d spend time coming up with ways to support them. Caring about what makes them smile. I used to be brilliant at giving advice and explaining mental health in […]

By “messed up” I mean
-ppl with chronic and persistent depression/suicidal ideation
-ppl who Self-Harm
-Hoarders
-abuse or SA victims that can’t get past the trauma

According to NAMI, 1 out of 5 ppl experience a mental illness. Though that figure is way overblown bc experiencing something “once” doesn’t constitute a mental illness (ex someone has post partum depression but never had depression before or after). Also, personally I don’t consider things like ADHD a “mental illness.” Yes, I know it’s in DSM-V. But who cares what phar.ma-funded ppl classify ppl as.

Obviously
-ppl who murder (%?)
-psychopaths (1%)
-sociopaths (3%)

“It is estimated […]

Man, I thought I was fucked up but these ppl in the videos make me feel almost “normal.”

What is wrong with ppl these days? Our world has gone to shit. Like seriously, growing up, ppl weren’t as crazy and fucked up as it is now. Growing up, we didn’t have mass shootings like every month. We didn’t have millions of Karens and Kens roaming around ruining everyone’s every day lives. Well sure, there always were entitled ppl, assholes and racists, but they tended to keep that shit to themselves in the past, more or less.

Yes, social media highlights all […]

I wish someone would rescue me from this hell, this shitty life of mine.

I used to be religious, this isn’t going to be much about it. Just, I remember one of the things that drove me off is how so many holidays are dedicated to new life, rebirth, etc etc toxic positivity essentially.

But all hollows eve is special. I like to think it was a token nod to the occult religions assimilated when the Catholics swept through Europe. Occult attitudes towards death are more nuanced. Just had the thought that Catholicism is the Borg of religions, taking in just enough to make it attractive to others. Always seeking perfection, never reaching it.

Anyway, on this special evening the veil […]

-_-

~1min

How does one NOT be angry at bitter when their whole life they’ve been screwed time and time again? First by birth- who you are born to is the NUMBER 1 factor- if your parents are rich or poor as fuck, or nice and loving vs abusive and harming. If you are born to shitty parents who abused you and were poor af, you are so screwed from the get go.

You are either set up for success or failure from the moment you are conceived. You either have doors opened for you or have little to no opportunities. Intelligence, hard work […]

I didn’t think I’d see this website again. But I’ve been calling for death again. Things have become the worst, finally, when I have done so much to avoid this moment. I’ll tell you all on the internet a little something – I’ve been going to inpatients, housing and all sorts of shitty programs to avoid this moment. I’ve been calling for death out of revenge. All of you on here should pray and hope I go, because I’ve been making the people around me miserable with my cries. I’m paranoid even posting this online. Threatening suicide is all I have. Nothing can take me […]

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What If The World is Actually a Prison? | The Philosophy of Arthur Schopenhauer |

11min

I feel like I’m dying inside increasingly every day. I cannot take it anymore. I have realized being suicidal is so much more than I could ever explain in words. But the thought of a failed suicide attempt is terrifying to me. The shame is too much to bear which will make me more suicidal in turn. My family doesn’t know I used to be suicidal. I mean what do I even tell them. How do I tell them I don’t want to bring them shame by unaliving myself. I also don’t want to give anyone a reason to underestimate me even more. Sometimes there […]

 I will never get to know her again. I won’t get to laugh and joke with her. I won’t get to go out with her. I will never see her smile at me. I will never get to hug her again. It makes me wish I was dead.

Life has been so painful recently, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this terrible in my life. I can’t stop thinking about her, and that makes everything feel even worse. I wish I had her to comfort me when I feel like this.

I can’t believe it’s been two years since I’ve talked to her in […]

Not really a whole lot to say, not much has changed in my head for awhile now. I’m so tired all the time, but I can’t even sleep and it’s kinda fucking me over. I got to go out of the house today with my mom, shopping and to get some food, and I think it was a good thing for me – at least it got me showered and what not. Plus I got to hang with mom for a bit, which I always enjoy doing. It was very dreary today. I’m trying to eat as little as possible. Not 100% sure why, but […]