*I know this post is really long, but I hope some of you read it all the way through*

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This was back in 2009. Yes, a long ass time ago, but I still have not gotten over him. It’s very rare I even like someone enough to go out with them, let alone fall in love with. That was the problem- I didn’t even know at the time I had fallen in love with him.

My whole childhood was full of abuse, so I naturally shut myself off from my emotions and stuffed them into a box I called the “Pandora’s […]

When I got over something else, something else majorly bad happened that I can’t get over. Just my luck. But it’s a little less daunting than the last thing. I opened up more about things, and it hasn’t gotten better, but at least there’s some more clarity. I feel like I should be even more devastated, but the relative scale of things makes me try to numb myself to it. I’m feeling pretty devastated already, but the trade off is that I’ve opened up more. Whatever.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Seriously speaking I feel I’m unworthy in all aspects . I’m insecure everything about me . Today’s my birthday and I’m diving to the deeper depths of sadness . I don’t know what I have in life ….  Just living some void shit …. My existence doesn’t have any meaning.  I don’t expect anything from anyone but that’s making me more isolated and depressing.  Idk whom to say these thoughts . I don’t want to share to anyone I know . Cuz they will not value or respect my feelings especially the closed ones . The person I love is making me feel like it’s […]

Someone molested me and it’s affecting me more than it ever has before. So I have an issue with speaking, I can’t get words out when I’m nervous. It comes with social anxiety. And that’s why it happened. I couldn’t speak to tell him to stop, and I couldn’t come off as confident enough to discourage him from doing it to me. It makes me feel like such a loser. I don’t want to tell anyone the details because I’m ashamed of not being able to fucking speak. It won’t stop coming to my mind. I can’t have sex without the same feelings coming up. […]

https://youtu.be/BVt7mXJ8fJM?si=Kn-3V5ptqap7Tcpj

I told my therapist about this video one time. I haven’t gone to therapy in months, I feel a lot better. Today I thought about this video, and it appeared on my youtube feed. The title of this file in the game it’s from is “inconvenient body”. I used to think my body was inconvenient, but now I like my body. I am working to become stronger. My life has never been better than now. About a week ago I felt suicidal one time, but I went to confession and I felt a lot better. I am happy. The problems I had […]

keeping friends has always been a struggle for me and i get scared every time i make new friends. i’m really good at small talk but once people really get to know me they never really want to stay. i feel like i’m too much.

i give so much of myself into the friendship they get overwhelmed by me. so then i just shut down and try not to bother them anymore. this keeps happening and i don’t know how to fix myself. at this point i think it’s better not to try anymore.

God, I’m wondering where the process of pain started and where it clustered up so much, that my soul tossed the leftovers onto a pile of great shame. And these would just never be picked up again, because there was a lot to digest at the time. I’m wondering whether it is too late, to work through them now. Is it the origin of my distrust and overemotional behavior?

Today I replayed a scenario from my past and I took it apart and changed it. It’s unfortunate, I couldn’t be in control back then. It’s a rather happy memory actually. And I know, it could’ve been […]

After that last bit, feeling particularly suicidal, I sunk back into myself. It was perfection, I almost ceased to be for 14 hours. Then I woke up, did what I had to, and tried to replicate it, and you know what happened? awful failure, nightmares, and I realized that if I didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t sleep right. I also can’t really create the pain, it just has to hit me.

Like today. The first four hours I was pushing, pouring myself out and hurting for it. But now? the relief has started, and I think it’s going to be a good night. What kind of sick […]

I think I have lot of complexities about my body and looks . I feel like I’m not the way I like to be . I really worry thinking of it everyday . I like a person …. but I feel like that person doesn’t deserve me ….  I feel like I’m not a perfect match for that person ……  I understand we must have self love for ourself and shit . But I feel I’m not beautiful in anyway ….. I don’t know what to do to overcome thissssss.  I suffer a lot thinking about this ….. I don’t know what to do seriously […]

Been looking for work almost obsessively, still nothing.

Between that and my dreams haunting me with past memories of people I care for, I’ve slipped so far down a black hole. Idk how to pull myself out.

Feeling like this sucks.

The unnamable lust is back.

Why have we as a society gotten so comfortable with and accepting of everyone coming home to no one at 5 pm ? When the workday is over, and free time begins, I want to come home to someone … to have some human contact, to talk about my day, to make love to someone, to share a meal or a bottle of wine … there is no one … there hasn’t been anyone for 15 years, and there isn’t anyone now or in the foreseeable future.

Is this a life worth living ? Should I be satisfied with Netflix and 20 second porn ? Is […]

I want to make my own “exit bag” (for helium) because I don’t have the means to buy a kit online but it’s hard to find helpful resources online, so if anyone knows how to make one I’d appreciate advice, preferably within the next 10-12 days.

When tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand. That an angle
came and called my name, and took
me by the hand; The angle said my
place was ready, In heaven far above,
and that I had to leave behind all
those I dearly love. But when I walked
through heaven’s gates, I felt so much
at home, for God looked down, smiled
at me, and told me “Welcome Home.”
So, when tomorrow starts without me.
don’t think were far apart, for every
time you think of me, I’m right
there in your heart.

The Assholes and Shitcunts that pretend they’re so sweet and nice on the outside, but are really manipulative and evil on the inside. So many douches masquerade as innocent little lambs, and they fool most ppl. When you try to show friends/family/coworkers who they really are, THEY look at you in disbelief and don’t believe you and attack YOU and defend them bc they’ve all been fooled, and continue to be fooled by those manipulative, lying shitcunts.

Like, really.

But sometimes i feel betrayed and lost in thoughts . This was an imagination of my thoughts where i visit my ex marriage .

A fine day. My ex-lover’s wedding ceremony is about to begin.He invited me to it.
Although I was not sure if I should attend, it is a testament to his character and the respect he has for me that he would extend such an invitation.
It also speaks to the strength of the bond we once shared and the memories we have together. The person I carved into my veins is getting married.
I try every day to stop loving and building […]

I ran into some videos about applying for disability, the sorts of questions they ask, what they want to know, and frankly it has me at a pretty dark place. Because they want to make it out that the person applying could work. They use all the tactics of all the bad employers I’ve had. Because APPARENTLY it is my job to make a company function such that I can keep working for them. I should have been asking for accomodations. If I can function socially, and stand for extended periods of time, I don’t have a problem?!

I’m in a dark wishing my life was […]

I cannot let myself be seen, by anyone. I cannot reach out, to anyone. I’m alone. Maybe we’re all alone. But most people don’t seem so alone. It seems like most people are able to convince themselves they’re not alone. If they’re delusional, then that seems preferable to this.

I need to be brainwashed. To have all the filth wiped away from my mind. So I can convince myself that I’m worthy of someone else’s company. That they won’t be disgusted and repulsed by me. So then I won’t have to be alone. So then I can reach out and have someone there, who recognises my […]