In principle I’m not opposed to the wonders of technology…but AI, that shit pisses me off.

We, 8 billion desperate human beings, need every job availabiliity we can get in this pathetic game that has ransomed our lives to the act of making money. If there was enough to go around, if people weren’t kicked to the pavement by the resource eater called the ecomomy…then AI might be helpful to someone. But no, tech bros are gettng quick profits out of the mechanic where ten people’s lives will be ruined, so that one person can get a spot of convenience. There’are huge job shortages and AI […]

I called him up.  After all these years of perseverating on our conflict and ego battle; after all that time and our last interaction that ended with him chasing me down his dust covered street with an axe in hand, he still wanted to see me heal. It was all love and he broke down in tears telling me that he was hoping we reconnected. After all this time he still thought of me favorably and held me in high regard. Our conversation eventually turned to working together again on my subconscious mind and chakra healing; the idea of having an ally in my corner […]

WHY is it so HARD to find a Chronic Illness Group that also lets us talk about Depression/Suicide?

They literally go hand in hand. There are TONS of Depression Groups- but they don’t allow us to talk about suicide or even non-happy thoughts. And there’s tons of Chronic Illness Groups and I *KNOW* ALL these mofo’s ALL feel depression too, but we’re not allowed to mention depressive thoughts or post too sad things. How does that even make sense?

It’s not like NOT talking about it makes depression go away.
It’s not like PRETENDING it doesn’t exist makes everything fine and […]

Lack of sleep.

Just ONE night of sleeping 4 hours leads to a 70% reduction in immune cells that fight off cancer.
Just ONE night, let alone the thousands of nights I don’t sleep ever since the car accident.
Well FUCK. Just FUCK.
Now I have to worry about slowly dying of fucking cancer. Goddamnit.

FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

~1min

The sick just get sicker.
Life is just endless pain for me.

A few days ago, I posted about the awful experience I had with this therapist. That night, I talked to a dear friend who is in the psychology field. She pointed out that this therapist likely has a very conventional view of relationships, and can’t conceive of anything different. Which is sad; they’re supposed to be aware of cultural differences with their clients and have enough Theory of Mind to work with clients who are very different from themselves. (Ironically, it’s we autistics who are said to lack Theory of Mind, when in my experience, it’s usually neurotypicals who lack it.)

My friend also pointed out […]

I don’t know why I keep thinking I’m going to get a better outcome, especially out of people who lie to me. We’re barrelling down the last few days before classes, and I STILL don’t have funding. They’re more than happy for me to take out a $25,000 loan……. I can’t afford it. That’s a HUGE bet on a job market that has done nothing other than kick the living daylights out of me every time I’ve tried it. All in, I’d double my total debt load, and I can’t.

and people keep acting like it was me that went to THEM with some great dream […]

I was actually going to post this before Lonewolf’s post, but didn’t get around to it last night. So here it is:

~1min

So people who regularly drink have an INCREASE in cortisol release from their adrenal glands even when they are NOT drinking. How interesting and crazy that is. Pretty big shocker when I saw the video yesterday.

I don’t drink but for those who do…

I’ve really let myself fall back into drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever drank as hard as I have in recent months.

I’ve been sober for 3 days now but I’ve got bad social anxiety and I’m tempted to drink again but I think if I do that, I might end up in the Emergency Room soon if not dead in bed.

A few nights ago I couldn’t get out of bed the whole day because I was sweating and shaking really badly. I kept hearing screaming every time I would try to fall back asleep so my sleep wasn’t really sleep.

Moving kind of hurts my liver. […]

to watch? thought provoking?

idk, i like dark but well made stuff- like Dexter, Death Note, Penny Dreadful. True Crime. Death. Twist endings (yes i know, Dexter had a crap ending). Revenge shows, sci-fi, supernatural. But I guess it’s not about the genre. Some shows are just better done than others.

Most of the stuff I like is more obscure and less popular with the general public (but giving examples of popular ones ofc so you get an idea).

idk, i’m bored with all the same ol’ crap out there.

I am drunk. Again. I think from now on I will post while drunk. It’s the best way to empty out my head. I guess. What to talk about. I’m thinking what to write down now. Of course I’m thinking about her. I always think about her. I wish I didn’t. She’s gone. Why bother thinking about her. Yet I still do. Drunk or not. I’m tired thinking about her. When will I get over this? You know who I really want to think about? Mark. He deserves to […]

I’ve had such bad experiences with therapists. This one was the only one in my city who would take my insurance and was accepting new patients now, not two or three years from now (that is literally the wait list for most of them). When we started early this year, I thought she was going to be good. I told her I’m autistic and sometimes I speak slowly, so I need you to be patient and give me time to process my words. She seemed to understand, and she did that at first.

But lately she’s been interrupting me, talking over me, talking past me… and […]

The confusing thing about misery is the feeling that I’m kind of doing it to myself. Like I’m actively seeking out reminders of why I’m miserable. Because without those it doesn’t make sense. I wake up every day exhausted and with no motivation. Getting anything done is a struggle, I feel lost, and it’s frustrating. And inevitably I find myself drawn to things that trigger my feelings of longing and despair. And eventually I reason it all out and it becomes clear: that’s why I’m miserable. And I spend the rest of the day trying to distract myself, eventually fall asleep, and sort of forget. […]

I have been alive for 9,230 consecutive days. At least what one can call the term, considering I’m breathing, having a heartbeat and I’m capable of forming my own thoughts. An inner life;an outer life;never felt alive-kind of deal. 5,215 days ago, I had made utter peace with mortality. In fact, I couldn’t wait to face it with all that I’ve had.

3,435 days ago, I had found understanding for that kind of thinking and I could move within a hidden space the way, I was supposed to for all my life. Unfortunately for me, everyone grew up. Except… Me. Things, a therapist can’t hear: “I […]

Q-“So are you brave, or do you find this quite easy?”
A- “Both. I think I am brave, and because I am brave, I find everything that I do quite easy.”

@1:07

Damn, I wish I had that girls’ confidence.

Being brave requires confidence, so I guess really what she is saying is if you have confidence in yourself, everything you do in life becomes easier, which I kind of agree with. When I HAD the confidence, I never thought of how difficult things were to accomplish to do. I just did it bc I “knew” I could do it and never worried about […]

There isn’t a “good” place I can go given my health issues and lack of money. The better safer more modern cities that have good healthcare are in SE Asia for expats, and I can’t live there bc of the heat and humidity.

Even 3rd world is not easy without a lot of money. Usually the cheaper the cost of living, the harder it is for a westerner to live in, bc it doesn’t have all the “basic” things we have grown accustomed to here. Like reliable and fast internet. Online banking. Online ordering/delivery. Safe drinking water. Even paved […]

Should I Expat to? One where the

1- cost of living is low,
2- weather is not hot and not humid
3- there’s enough American/British expats where the local country is ok to get by speaking English or where things are semi-tailored to westerners (like shops, health stuff etc).

I can’t do hot and humid climates, so Central America and SE Asia are out. Unless there are cities there that aren’t hot and humid. Just the climate excludes the best cheapest and modern places to expat to. But humidity is my nemesis so I just can’t.

I had originally thought Ecuador […]

How do you get out of a shitty situation when you do not have the HEALTH nor the MONEY to get out of it?

I absolutely need to move out of mom’s shitty filthy house. I am pissed I was conned into moving here and now that I’m here, I’m stuck.

It’s a fucking catch 22. Being in mom’s filthy place got me even sicker- I was already sick to begin with. Anyhow, now that I’m 100x sicker, I don’t have the health to leave. I want to expat to a 3rd world country where it’s cheaper. But […]

Dear younger me,

I know you’re hurting, I remember how it felt to live in the chaos that was our mind. You’ve been through way more than a kid ever should, and you’re scared. The people you call your parents let you down, time and time again. I know it breaks your heart to not feel loved by them. I know it hurts when those kids at school call you names, ignore you or hurt you. I’ll be honest, it still haunts me sometimes.

I feel so sorry for what happened to you when you were 12. He broke your trust and left a mark on you […]

Thoughts are getting bad again… I cant go a few minutes without some sort of noise, or game going on. I play ac for nearly 6-7 hours a day, as soon as I get off I’m freaking out. Watching movies, wasting data for youtube, music. I need to relax. I need to sleep. But I cant really.

I’m so stupidly weak and pathetic. No wonder I keep hurting. I’m a fucking moron, the weakest one I know. I have no grit, I’m no tough guy. I’m a pathetic idiot who whines on an anonymous site, wasting space. ‘Cause I’m a waste of space. All I ever […]

She replied. She even started a little conversation with me. It felt terrible. My mind kept switching between really bad intrusive thoughts and unrealistic fantasies. I wish I could say I felt happy since half of the mental anguish I’ve felt this past year stemmed from her not talking to me.

I had so much anxiety over her messaging me that I couldn’t eat or sleep. My throat constantly felt dry and I had heart palpitations so bad I thought I was going to die. This lasted for two days until she stopped replying to me.

I realize she doesn’t want to speak to […]