Long story short im dieing, not actually dieing but spiritually and mentally. I dont feel alive among other things. The only thing I wanted in life was this friendship with a friend and we became really good friends. My happiest moments was when we were hanging out and i dont mind that my life was completely falling apart. Some shit happened that was out of my control but we stopped being friends and i tried to kill myself for 2 months because I had never felt so alone. I didnt really have anyone else or anyone I cared about. I stopped because we started being […]
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alone
… But I’m scared of failure.
Will I be paralysed?
Brain damaged?
Fail and I’ll be watched and not able to reattempt.
………………..
Vent.
I have mental health, undiagnosed… But imo it is severe.
Vent.
I’m almost 26. Literally everybody I’ve met this year thought I was 12.
When I was 15…. Everybody thought I was 10-12.
You get the picture.
I’m paedo bait.
Not everyday you get to legally “bang” a “12” year old.
Lost count of the times middle aged men have tried to prostitute me and continue on to tell me they thought i was 12-14.
Walking home today with my mum and her partner and […]
today i, once again, was welcomed by a quiet house; except it wasn’t. they’re avoiding me. as soon as i opened the door, i heard whispers. a lot of them. now they’ve stopped, maybe they think i can’t hear them. although i quite like arriving and having time for myself, i don’t particularly like the fact that, even though they’re still awake, they’re pretending they’re not. it hurts a lot, but whatever; i can’t blame them. i’d pretend to be asleep all the time if i lived with another me, so i can’t really blame them.
the whispers have started again.
although i’m not 100% this time […]
He’s destroyed me.
I won’t survive in prison.
He’s got what he wanted all along.
I won’t be able to have kids.
He’s destroyed every inch of me.
I have nothing left.
these past few days have been weird, and i don’t know how to explain it.
i’ve been forgetting to eat, and sleep doesn’t come very easily; when it does come, it brings nightmares and i just keep waking up constantly. really aggressive headaches come and go without explanation. it feels weird.
for about 10 years i’ve had passive suicidal ideations, and active ones as well, but that’s not the point. anyways, they’ve been here for a while. basically, i won’t act up on anything, but i wouldn’t mind if something happened. even though i can’t even remember days where i didn’t feel like this, it seem like […]
tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she […]
i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake […]
you know those days where you wake up and decide you will definitely enjoy that day? you decide you’re going to do anything you can to feel happy and do everything you always put off. you feel determined and excited. today was supposed to be one of those days. since yesterday wasn’t the day off i would’ve liked it to be, i decided to try my best and have an acceptable day today. it didn’t particularly work, and i’m not surprised.
numbness is a very strange feeling. at first, you don’t understand it; but after a while, you forget how you felt before. what it […]
even though i had a day off, i wasn’t able to actually rest. i fell asleep at around 5am, and woke up at 9am.
i’ve been getting random headaches constantly for years now, i’m not sure why; but i’ve had one since around 4pm and it’s currently 1:19am.
even though it wasn’t a good day, i went to the movies so that was nice.
today was a busy day. very tiring. though i have two days off now, so that’s good. it rarely feels like i’m actually living though, i’m just going through motions. it’s weird.
still can’t sleep, but oh well.
11:40pm
today i was expecting to get home and find everyone asleep again, but it wasn’t the case. for a second, i thought they were waiting for me, but as it turns out, they just lost track of time and were planning on going to bed at about 9pm. not surprising.
today my fingers hurt a lot, and me having to constantly wash dishes and such at work doesn’t help. I’ve always been clumsy and i use band aids very often, but I’ve never had 4 at the same time on my hands; it looks kinda funny, actually. i can’t type very well though, but meh.
i just got home from working, and it’s 11pm. normally, my brother waits for his wife to get home and then go to bed, but i guess it’s only for her. they’re both asleep. i guess they don’t care, and i don’t blame them for that, nor am i mad at them. i just found it a bit sad.
in other news, this morning was very difficult for some reason; having said this, i was really struggling to not harm myself. i managed somehow, but at work i did get hurt many times, though not on purpose. at least i don’t think so.
life has […]
i can’t think properly but it’s not like i want to anyways
i’m very sleep deprived at the moment but that’s fine because i just “have to try harder and go to bed earlier than i do”
in short, i’m tired
even though i can’t feel anything and my brain is a blur, i can still pretend everything’s fine, and people believe it. don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing; i guess it’s a bit of both.
about a week ago, i was told that people saw me as someone composed and mature, and that i seem to be happy even when there’s bad things going on; that it helps others feel better. and i legitimately laughed out loud when i heard that.
off topic, but being a young person who just moved to the other side of the world is hard. wow, […]
“Nobody will love you, until you love yourself”
That is such, such a scary thought.
If I can’t love myself, if I physically, literally can’t, then what’s my point? Companionship is at the base of a human’s needs, so what happens when we don’t have it? I know for me, it kills you the same way a lack of food will. It will be the same thoughts running through your head; you know the position you are in, but you can’t do anything. You won’t do anything. You know what will happen if you don’t, yet there […]
words won’t come out.
talking and expressing anything seems like too much work, or like something too complicated that i can’t figure out.
and when i do try to reach out and open up to others, it always goes wrong. i try telling someone about the panic attack i had, and they assume i’m lying and then proceed to tell me i’m not trying hard enough, and that only makes everything harder for everyone. they tell me to try harder.
i thought i was trying my best. and i was. but it seems like, once again, my best wasn’t enough.
i tried to open up, […]
Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?
I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.
I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.
Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.
I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.
I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past […]
So maybe it’s not much of a problem I mean I’ve been through way worse and felt way lower in my life but for some reason I can’t help but feel alone and depressed. Growing up I didn’t have friends and I hit my peak in middle school. I have hundreds of friends well I guess looking back none of them were really my friends but once I got to high school everything changed I didn’t trust anyone and I was the most paranoid person in the world. Not like omg the FBI is after me but like I always felt that someone was going […]
You say one thing. “please don’t leave me” and at the time they will hold you tight but after it fades. they think things like oh well i saw you a few days ago thats enough. I don’t fucking care if its too much. I don’t care if its over and creepy and whatever they might be thinking. but when someone says “please don’t leave me” and then they leave its a permanent trigger that never fucking leaves. I hate being alone. I don’t want to be stuck with myself again tonight! I don’t want to be searching the internet for ways to kill myself […]
I’ve been listening to a lot of “Doom Metal” lately. Bands like Bell Witch, Tyranny, My Shameful, Mournful Congregation, Shining, Who Dies In Siberian Slush, The Howling Void, and others, and I’ve come to find a kind of beauty in the darkness of it all. The deep gutturals, the heavy bass riffs, the long drawn-out notes, and slow drums tap into the sadness within me. I’ve been feeling connected to the sorrow and have grown to enjoy this pain in a way I never thought I would. It’s having some kind of sick paradoxical effect where I want to drown and let the despair consume […]