I try not to but how can that occur. Im old i missed out on life and i want to die. I try to give myself hope sometimes i even succed. But death would be better. Depression is cureless in people who have had it their entire lives. People who have had useless pain filled lives. I cant look forwards or backwards in my life without seeing pain. I cant look at my current life wit out seeing pain. Without being told by life that loneliness and depression is all i deserve and that im not good enough for more than pity maybe. Some days […]
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so i didnt pay the internet bill and its way overdue to go off…thing is i downloaded a 1tb worth of movies/series/games/music to keep myself sane..then the un-thinkable happened my fckin hdd went on fire i lost my phone other week also and i fuckin hate tv so ive been sat in the house with no food reading books from the library even put the noose around my neck a few times could not go through with it oh and i trapped my left hand tip of index finger in door and its hangin off ive stuck it back on and its black should go […]
Often when i’m stressed, like when there are important exams coming up in the near future (or any particularly significant event for that matter), I have a series of thoughts that run through my head. It’s a mantra that half keeps me sane and half makes me insane.
“You could join the army instead. You could commit a crime instead. You could kill yourself instead.”
Each of these prospects require a varied level of commitment, but over time they become less of a threat and more of an ideology.
Although all three of these options keep bouncing around my head, right now i’m contemplating committing a crime. I […]
hey guys..for a few months i’ve been very depressed,i have no job and can’t find one because i have no exp,my girlfriend left me after 3 years,i have no friends only fake friends that care only about themselves,and i don’t know what to do…i tried everything possible,i looked for jobs,go to interviews,got busy all day,get out,think positive,read books to help with depression,nothing helps..my last choice is to kill myself but i don’t have the courage,i’m afraid i can’t do it and mess my life even more…i really need some advice..please
It started when at the gym about 90 mins ago. I just got the sudden urge to cry. I was able to not do it and i could have it was empty at the time. Ive since finished my workout come home walked the dogs taken a shower and its back. Could be all of the deaths the past week. Could be seeing a recent pic of * when i considered emailing her. Could be all the “self-help” exercises ive been doing. Ut i just want to cry. I hope it doesn’t symbolize anything unless it is tears of joy for some reason. This ever […]
this is a cry for help.
it’s not a yelp for attention, for sympathy, for flowers and hugs and cards.
it’s a plea, to see me, to notice that i exist.
i feel like the world is listing, tilting slowly towards the tipping point. i pray to god above that the earth will straighten itself out, and that all the anger and hate in me turns back into the love it once was.
i want to go to the hospital, but i have too many commitments in my life right now. actually, scratch that, i don’t want to go to the hospital; doing that is a sign that i […]
im a young adult with no future and i have no help support or friends,i tried taking my life last year and i ended up throwing up and choking it was awful and i think i got lucky,i then i tried again and failed,and now i think im honestly going to go even further then i have before,i use several different sites to come on and unload but people either don’t care or they think im a teenager,i know the best people can do is tell me to reach out but they don’t understand that the mental health system has failed me and that i […]
I’m angry. I’m angry and being anxious by being trapped. Angry at my traumatic meaninglessness of a life. I’m not truly suicidal or ugly just anxious. I have emotional trigger points. I have mental blocks I’m so furious at them furious at my helplessness that i channel it inwards and call it depression. I have ideas and i told someone if I’m just mediocre at half of them I’ll be a millionaire. I believe that. I just want to get the fuck out of my own way. Ive lived in pain, helplessness, and hopelessness far to fucking long. Tired of having so many exposed buttons. […]
I hate my life and wish i was dead , My wife is a piece of shit and i hate her and am only sticking witth her because we have a baby together. Im soooooooooo sorry i had a baby witth her . If i could go back in time and change things i would. I find myself sacrificeing my happiness for the baby because i want him to have a better life than mine . I feel like crying everytime i look at my son , i feel horrible bringing him in this world with the person i did. Everytime i look at my […]
3 years ago, i started having really bad stomach aches. i was stuck in the house for 5 months, and my best friend moved away. i had tons of tests, but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. by the end of that summer, i was extremely depressed and started cutting myself. when that school year started, i forced myself to play a sport (which i became very good at) and the pain kind of dissipated. i lost about 20 pounds, and I’m already tiny as it is, so i was down to about 85 pounds. when the physical pain sort of stopped, the […]
I am tired of saying what i hate
But even the tears don’t seem to release the bottled up emotions….lately i told myself its better not to feel anything then to feel everything.
I honestly hate my life and i always have..
But i love someone with all i have.
He tells me he loves me and im the best thing that ever happened to him…but idk
I hate myself so how can he love me?
I never had anyone love me before…not like him..
Someone who doesnt want sex..or money..or something…
And im so confused.
I wanna die..but i wanna live for him
last time i wrote here was on my 15th birthday, probably the worst birthday ever because no one showed up to the party. There was this nice guy i think, seesmith, who really inspired me with his words- he told me to be my true self even tho it’s a painful process. So that’s what i did. I took a step back. I didn’t talk to my “friends” for three months now and no one cares how i’m doing. The people i called friends doesn’t really care. I feel really lonely. I eat nothing and sleep all day so i can avoid the loneliness. My […]
There is so many things stressing me out and i just want to let go and feel that blade against my skin. I want peace of mind for just a couple minutes. The other thing is that my nightmare was that I lost control in front of my dad who knows nothing about me being a cutter and I just grabbed a knife and started cutting myself up. I kept saying this is what you do to me; over and over again. My cousin had to grab me and force my hands to stop. With that nightmare going through my head I’m feeling really frazzled […]
the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work […]
i fucked up my arm last night. it still feels tingly and weird (and painful), and i think it’s still bleeding… i’m so fucked if i need stitches. i just wanted to see the blood drip. i didn’t want to mess my arm up like this.
in other news, i haven’t seen or spoken to my family in a week, and even though it was my choice to isolate myself, i still feel like crap. hearing them laugh and get along just fine without me, no concern whether i’m dead or not in this tiny room… i mean, this is what i wanted. i don’t want […]
(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)
i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like […]
i feel empty
i feel nothing
i feel like nothing
there’s a void
a hole
and i don’t know how to fill it
how to fill this hole inside me
so deep
and dark
i feel no fear
i feel no sadness
i feel no happiness
no life
who am i???
Spent $250 today on supplies for my exit.
Have booked in a days leave from work in two days time so I have the whole night and day by myself to pull this off.
I have tried before & failed. It was painful and i dont want to go through that again.
The method Ive chosen this time should be painless if all goes to plan.
Thoughts of my family keep trying to push their way into my brain, but I keep pushing them out . I know they will be OK & I know I simply can’t go on being me.
I’m a […]
so i was recently dating this guy we dated for almost two years… as you can probably imagine i was or still am in love with that guy… he messed up many times during the relationship and i always forgave him everytime! in november he started acting weird with me and he didn’t really seem to care about our relationship that much he would ignore me when we would go to family parties and just text me even thought i would be right there. i made me feel bad like he didn’t care! soon enough he became more distant we would go to dates and […]
I dont know if its depression or or normal teenage bullshit, but i just dont give a fuck about anything anymore. I used to have good grades now theyre slipping and i have exmas coming up but zero motivation to study. All ive been doing is being usless by sleeping, crying, eating too much, and cutting. My parents are also sick of me. They expect me to be happy all the time and dont know why i never am. They were having a one-sided arguement with me today and told me that theyre ashamed of me and that they should just poison my sister and […]