Hello everyone! I’m a newbie to this website, and I figured I should post a little something about me- so here goes nothing. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was in seventh grade. Ever since I was small, I has hyperaware of everything around me, spooking at the drop of a hat. This really fried my nerves, and I became even more introverted than I already was. I was also very ill as a child. I was constantly sick to my stomach, my limbs constantly trembled, exhaustion clouded my every turn, and I was an insomniac. My parents knew little to nothing […]
Damn, I have gotten fired up these past few weeks. A strange zest for life cloaks me. I’ve been feeling so empowered to turn my life around. However, in the back of my mind I am always calculating my next existential crisis. I feel like my depression and anxiety might be hiding around the corner waiting to beat me down to a vegetative state. I don’t want that shit to happen man. I hate crying myself to sleep. And occasionaly I picture myself in a funeral suit, it makes me cringe. I hate these thoughts because they push me to the edge of insanity.
what a horrible year it’s been – the worst year of my life. Just like last year, the leaves will soon turn, than fall off there trees. The snow will come and then the first flowers will rebloom next spring just before the scorching heat of summer….than September 2016 will arrive.
I wonder how 2016 will be for me. Seems like ever year is a cycle that keeps repeating itself as I sit and watch the world go by.
A guy from my school recently killed himself and it brought back my suicidal thoughts. It made me remember everything and now I just can’t get it out of my head. I want to just finally end it all. It seems so much better. I mean I just hate my life, I literally hate it. I can’t live this life anymore and I can’t sit here waiting for somebody to realize it and suddenly care
I’ve always been an indecisive person: even down to the most simplest of things. School is one of those things. Although I hate it, no doubt, education is very important. I just recently turned 17 and I took two separate years off of school (due to various different factors) and should technically be a senior in high school yet I’m a sophomore…oh and I haven’t even gone back to school yet this year because I’m not sure if I should go through with “letting go” or if I should go back to school. Yep, I’m a straight up loser. I probably would choose to go […]
where to begin?? well it started 7 years ago when I just left foster care. my life was great I was in high school at the time and I was looking at a bright future. but it went down hill because my feeling of loneliness was getting to me . I felt like I had nobody. my best friend at the time was gone from my life and everyone I thought were friends just shitted on me. I felt ignored. as a teenager dealing with depression and having to develop psychotic depression really really can screw with your mind. my first thought of suicide was […]
They’re so loud…the whispers of demons.
I can’t hear my own thoughts at times, and they think I’m just spacing out..going insane.
But when I cut, there’s just silence. It stops. As long as the pain is there, the demons stop. They hide in the corners of my mind, eyeless creatures, hypnotized by the taste of pain. But I can hear..I can hear my friends, my boyfriend, and I can put my mask back on and pretend to be happy again.
But when I’m sober, they’re so loud….the whispers of demons.
I’m sorry for who I am. I’m sorry that I can’t let anyone close without pushing them away and hurting them, I’m sorry that I can’t make new friends or act like a normal human being for once. I am sorry that this sadness keeps coming back around and hitting me in the face with a baseball bat. I’m sorry that nobody understands or cares too. I’m sorry I’m manipulative.
and finally, I’m sorry that I found this site, for my constant neurosis and self loathing coupled with sadistic, sociopathic-type behavior. What am I supposed to do? You don’t care to understand, […]
I remember my recent birthday, it was horrible. My mom, and my dad kicked me to the dirt and left me to cry my eyes out in my bathroom because I went to a friends house that day (yes I did tell them). My dad smiled to me and said “happy fucking birthday”. How those words hurt me so much. And to this day I still don’t know what I did wrong. So much yelling and arguing, but for what? I don’t even know..
I also remember when I was supposed to go to a amusement park with some of my friends, but I got stressed […]
I don’t know what I am going to write. I am very acutely aware of everything that happens in me. That’s my property, that’s my specialty. What I am incapable of is- changing it. Life is hell for person who knows he is a hypocrite. The loops and spirals this reflecting produces. An endless blame game. Yeah, I did it. I left this goddamned city one morning and went to the place from where Himalayas start. There they were, vast, majestic. Fuck it’s too embarrassing to even tell what happened next. I came back. Yes, I FUCKING CAME BACK. The loneliness that dawned to me, […]
in honour of World Suicide Prevention day last week, I just wanted to share a success story; my story.
1 year ago on June 15, 2014; this was me.
and 461 days later I am still here ??
the bravest thing I’ve done thus far in my life was choosing to stay. to stay, and to keep fighting! life is messy, and it is damn hard, but you know what I also found out a rather hard way? it is REALLY worth it. […]
In what world do you feel what I feel? NONE. I feel pain in my subconscious at a cellular level this feeling does not leave me I carry it around all day all week all month and all year. You have no right to tell me I have something to live for what the fuck do you know you don’t know what I deal with… How I feel. I’m broken I tried putting myself back together but it took superglue and it’s barely together and it looks like shit because that’s what I feel like… Shit I’m a good person I give money to hobos […]
As of right now I list a lot of things that are going wrong with my life. I put in my two weeks at a job I hated and when I put in my two weeks they started telling me not to come in everyday so I’m getting no hours, I still haven’t found another job despite applying at tons of places and I’m financially screwed. I was forced to move back in with my family in order to get away from the latest in a string of abusive relationships. I owe my college over $3,500 for dropping out and can’t go back to school […]
As I lay in bed questioning my own existence, I look threw the window and see nothing but something which was once familiar but now is not. I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost sight of any goals or aspirations I once had, I’ve lost sight of my happiness. I hold back the tears and feel my heart drop to my stomach as I am slowly coming to realization that I don’t belong.
I have been terribly sick for 8 years. For this I couldn’t finish my study. Its a complicated sickness. The worst is every time i hope this is gonna be fine i am back to zero. I have gone through several surgeries. It was painful. I thought if I try to have a better life , a normal life I may have one day. Now I am all alone here, no family, no friends . A guy loves me, we are married for more than two years but we can’t be together because of this goddam sickness. I wanted to leave all these and go […]
It turns out it does.
How the hell do people find any will to do anything, I don’t understand. One guy told me to “wake up”, I understand what he was saying and I agree with him but I just can’t find anything inside me that has even an iota of positive will.
I can’t understand how people are able to go about their daily lives, am I the only one as fucked as I am? Of course not.
I’ve started doing an online course in programming, to try and regain that lost knowledge I had a year ago but I’m supposed to move out of the house by […]
Its my day off. I woke up too early. I cried in bed for probably an hour. No shame in lying about that. I prayed, and I cried some more. I actually made myself breakfast today. But it happened to be in the after noon when I ate it. So I guess I can consider that brunch. I ate in bed… And have been there all day. It’s the place I feel most comfortable.
I feel very numb today. I feel as if I have given up the hope I was holding onto so dearly. Why? I don’t know. Nothing has changed. I tried to cheer […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
at the psyche ward I went to, I actually gave humanity one more shot. What a fucking idiot I was. Couldn’t I see from past experiences what was going to happened? All these “friends” rejected me in Facebook and never returned my calls. To think I could have friends. Fuck them! last night I ripped up there phone numbers and decided to put myself back into self imposed isolation. Humanity is a god damn sham, a lie. For some people women and friends fall into there laps, me asking for a relationship or friendship is like asking a homeless man to break into a jewrey […]
On Friday night I overdosed on burpion, this time I didn’t even mean to. I thought I ran out of my 350mg so I took 4 150mg to equal it to 450mg. Instead I took 4 350mg. As soon as I found out I did that I was having a panic attack. I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t want to bother anyone and I felt like I would get yelled at. So I just went into my living room and watched some YouTube videos. After 2 hours of waiting I finally felt the side effects. I felt like I could not breathe, my […]