I’m reaching out for help. But I can’t find any. Cutting gets worse than ever before. And this feeling of hopelessness and grief as well, my anger is out of control but my parents in contrast desperately to control every single thing in my life. I’m getting crazy here. I need to change my damn surrounding, buy there is no way I could…
Tag:
buy
So like every time I put on make up I end up crying it all off. Why am I crying today well it started off ok. The house was fliped the girl I live with refuses to clean the bathroom properly but whatever. Im crying because it my fucking husband mother fucking birthday and I have barely any money to buy him somthing . but keep in mind I the spouse that makes money. He buys me somthing with my money in his pocket. Or he brought what ever it is on a credit card which I pay …won it at the casino my […]
Last night, I had the most difficult attempt at sleeping.
I had booked a Motel to saying weeks prior with the intention of forcing myself to be social and go to an event at a bar. But as time grew closer, I was contemplating suicide.
Thursday 4/14/16
I was afraid that the room I had booked would be my last night. I thought of buying a rope but was afraid of being judged, so I decided not to buy it. I checked in and bought an egg sandwich and alcohol. I took a xanax and began to drink. I walked to the bar and the place was deserted. […]
To do list:
Write a book.
Buy a new package of blades.
Consider seeing a therapist.
Buy vitiams
Go insane.
The blade is finally too dull to do damage. No matter how much you press it does little damage. And I don’t want to get stitches, so best not to press full force. I can’t wait to be re-united with a fresh blade.
(“The kit”
Open Pandoras box
I dare you
Tripple dog dare
I’m laughing
Clueles
Even you
Maybe I’ll turn blue
Screaming thank you
Pathetic
That’s what they are
Trying to save you
When they have […]
A couple days ago, someone posted some very nice information that suggested where I might be able to buy canned CO2 in significant amounts (for a possible exit hood that I’ve been thinking of). This post was taken down–most likely because it infringed on the rules of this website–and now it seems unlikely that I’ll be able to find the author of that post so I can contact them for additional information.
This makes me incredibly frustrated. There are thousands of other methods of suicide that I could utilize to end my life. Am I not allowed to have information on the least destructive of those methods? And one that […]
Honestly, I don’t drink much at all, and I haven’t had anything in years because it’s not really my favorite thing, but lately I feel like I want to have just one night of drunken misery/celebration/reveling.
Just one.
I’m in the middle of coming to terms with certain issues, certain people, and certain unsavory truths, so dammit, I would like to drink myself stupid for one night.
When I do this, I will post on SP throughout the evening so you can all see me at my weirdest. (Because what are friends for, right?)
In the interests of good manners, I will try to keep most of it contained […]
I seem to meet, know or find the people who suffer the most. And why me, when I have nothing and can do nothing to help? An old friend of mine has been through a lot of hell in his life. He just found out through his dad admitting it, that his dad beat and kicked his mom while she was pregnant to try to kill him as a baby. And that’s why he never had his parents in his life. They hated him from the start. And he thought he had just reconnected with his mom, but I guess she was faking it because […]
I got sent to the E.R today for suicidal thoughts.
NO.
Don’t tell me its alright.
My parents called me a big problem. They are angry at me. My mom said she wanted to buy shoes and now she can’t because “I did all this”. My sister said I’m being a stupid teenager. My father and mother said that I was doing all this intentionally so I can go see how a psychologist works, because I like psychology. My mom said that she feels bad for my sister because my sister wanted to go out the the mall, and they had to get called to the hospital. My […]
I am feeling so damned depression, feel myself nearing the outskirts of stability. So sick of fucking living in my mind. Wish I could talk to people, and extract some joy out of it. Wish that I felt wanted, wish I had something to interact with socially, and I don’t want it. It’s all a fucking joke. It’s all my mind, my brain chemistry, my destiny maybe (?), I got no fucking clue what it is, perhaps it’s my ever dwindling and fluctuating self confidence. I have no ability to focus, all I do is mindlessly watch television. I look at sp, and the posts […]
Had enough of theses four walls had enough of the same shit different day wake up go college going to work etc is this all there is to life ? What is our real purpose for being here apart from destroying the earth and destroying our selfs and then living another 50 years of being unhappy or like someone said on here to slave away to buy a house then call your self free but then your not really free because your stuck with a heavy mortgage over your head then your just living to pay that of but you have to want to live […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
So I was brave, and went to my doctor for help. I did it. And since I did that, my friend who took space came back and is being completely supportive again. Which is good. We’ve actually talked a lot more then we did before, and it’s not always so dark like it was. I have actually been able to help him with stuff he is dealing with. So that front has been good. And he’s been honest, the only thing he won’t stand by and watch is me constantly not going to appointments and missing 3 months worth. And he said he would be […]
I’m scared shitless. I don’t think I can survive. I’ll end up in prison because I’m just too poor to pay back the government from money I earn and buy insurance on top of it. For fuck’s sake, I’m more often homeless than I am housed because I don’t make enough to get housing on my own. But I got my W2 from my first job and I made just over the poverty line. I thought the poverty line was higher but nope, it’s been lowered. My other job isn’t taxed and I’m afraid I’ll be fucked, owe the government thousands upon thousands that I […]
I have found that a way to help you figure out things is to analyze your dreams. I know some of them are seemingly meaningless, but it seems to help me. Also sharing them with others help as well. Here are a few of my own:
*warning, this first one is a bit gross*
I mashed a bump and instead of puss coming out, I pulled a neuron out of my skin.
My local college was located in a swamp. A former friend and I wore old time dresses (Gothic era) with petticoats. I found a book of nautical poetry and began to read it. The buildings were […]
This year has been the worst year of my life . This year I changed my ways , started reflecting on my self & thinking differently , and saw the world differently than I used to . I changed to be a better person but it really had an impact on me. I used to hang out with the wrong crowd and get into trouble. I took my self away from all that madness . And I realized I wasted all my teenage years with the crappiest people . So this year was a reflective year on my self . And it was a hard […]
Hi folks.
Well today ive tried to go for some shopping, looks like i need to buy a suit (new year party thingy), oh sweet, like i said i tried, i went to some shopping, but its so messy, so many people.. I had to give up, it took all my strengh. Than ive tried to go get a coffee in midle of town you know, just wanted to get it and to go near the river to sit in there and cry, yes because this try , sucked all i had, and again, people and traffic everywhere, gave up again.
Here i AM, tired, confused, near […]
Just going to sleep. But first need to update, about today, very lonely one. I feel bad, its hard to find the future when you cant even see the present.
Theres no words for this.
Anyways, i check the site everyday, and most of posts that i can, most of them i just read because idk what to say for help, im so sorry. But its a fact that if we cannot help ourself its very unlikly that we can help others and i dont like to sell things that i dont buy myself, if u know what i mean.
But i help talking if anyones want to.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Yep, still alive… As a pathetic loser who doesn’t have the guts to off himself already and quit cancelling his plans so he can get high ”one last time”…
Can’t even get high now, as my family is aware of my monthly income and I can’t buy shit without them knowing I spent the cash on something.
So many lose ends to tie. Is it stalling? Is it because I care about the ones left behind? Does it matter once you’re gone? Its so hard to do anything. To even leave the house. I think I do care, if I didnt, I’d just keep going. Waiting on a paycheck to buy my materials. Gotta write the letters, leave a clean house, and find the thing I need to do the job. It sucks. I think only here can someone understand what its like to want something so badly, and not want it at all either.
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