I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was yelling (this is hardly the first time and it’s not even a huge deal) and I just completely lost it, I started sobbing right there. I couldn’t even keep quiet and she noticed and asked why I was crying, and to make it worse I’m pretty sure my grandparents might have heard me too. I kept trying to put a hand over my mouth to not make noise but then my nose made noise when I gasped, and then I just pinched it too, which finally made me quiet but then I couldn’t breathe […]
Here’s me with my parents a few months after I was born. Dad was 24, Mum 22. They died 18 months apart (2002/2003) both were only 61 years old. They always said “when we retire we’ll…….”
I sometimes think that if there was such a thing as the devil and I would make a deal with him/her. I would have them back and allow them to have the retirement they deserved. I don’t value my soul that highly anyway, so no loss to me.
so over my short period of life iv had to deal with addictions because of this fucking void that needs to be filled so in high school it was weed I smoked weed everyday to till this fucking dark hole and then after I left college guess what that void needed next alcohol so I went though a period of drinking everyday because that void didn’t like weed no more then the void needed food so I eat and put so a hell of a lot of weight but then the void didn’t need food just the alcohol was enough to keep it filled so […]
Sweetness.
Been raining and gloomy all day, hell yeah…
Made a deal to get a new to me (used) guitar, fucking-A.
Going to a guitar shop tomorrow to fuck off, bullshit music with strangers, hot damn.
See, when life teabags you, just keep sucking till something sweet comes along.
When life has tainted you, it’s permanent. No matter how hard you try to change or deal with whatever issues it caused it doesn’t go away, because it is now part of who you are. At least that’s the case with me I can’t necessarily speak for others when it comes to this. I was sexually molested as a child and growing up all through my life. Not constant but there were intermittent instances and only 2 were more serious cases. I try to ignore the fact that it happened I never really think of it and I continue with my life. But the truth […]
I have an event to go to on Tuesday and it’s kind of a big deal. I’m getting an award. But my producing partner just had her marriage of 10 years blow up and instantly started jumping into rebound sex with some actor who she plans to take to the red carpet event.
I should mention that she’s pretty damn attractive. Tall, thin, blonde, straight… she’s going to look great.
And here I am now not wanting to go because I’m going to be stag, and I’ve never hated my body more than I do right now.
So here I am genuinely looking online to find a non-sexual […]
I think the last time I self harmed was last Saturday or Monday I didn’t use a razor this time i used my knife haven’t used it in months it’s a different feeling then using a razor with the knife I’m calm relaxed hands steady but with a razor I’m nervous and hand Shanks but it’s really weird they both give of different pain and feelings of release what other way can u deal with emotional pain ? But in a way I like it I feel I deserve it
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Hmm… I can’t exactly be sure why I decided to come to this site, to post about it… But i need to get it out and off of my chest to people who i don’t know. I don’t want my friends and family to know how i feel.
I’ve been depressed as long as i can remember. I remember as a little kid crying and asking my mom weird questions such as
“How do you know if you’re depressed?” “What is depression” “Is depression feeling sad all day?”
I was probably only 6 or 7- but my dad had very bad depression so it wasn’t not talked about […]
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/testing-waters-mp3.mp3
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Thank you to everyone who took some time to comment on my post last night. I was in a dark rotten place. (As you can see if you read through the comments.) I’m still there, to be honest, but at least I’m still able to write about it.
Here’s the music I mentioned. (Headphones recommended so the bass can come through better).
I wrote it in just a few hours, to distract myself from not being able to get online. For me, when I’m stuck here in bed at home, not being able to get online is a big deal, because it sort […]
I just wanted to say I like this site everyone is friendly and supportive I no everyone has their own Demons to deal with and the battle isn’t easy with mental health depression anxiety suicidal thoughts etc if the world was to support each other like we do in here the world would be such a nicer place to live in hopefully things get better for all of us
thanks
i am reeling from the death of both parents in a two month span. trying to deal with a slew of health problems. having an alcoholic husband. suffering from life long treatment resistant depression. and there is that suicidal demon inside who never misses an opportunity to point out how easy it could be to go. it tells me at seemingly random times i could do various things to end this sad life. six months ago i set a deadline. that day was yesterday. how ironic that yesterday i got the first check from my parents banking accounts. i can’t do that to my brother. […]
So it is happening again, the depression and urges of suicide are growing stronger. The temptations are so hard to resist it’s like a chain I can’t escape this feeling. Why live an unhappy life? Depression is lifelong so why put up with this misery? It’s not environmental, I have a good job, good friends… it’s more like a riptide pulling me in no matter how hard I try to swim away.
Here is my story: like many of you my childhood was abusive, I was preyed on early and there are things that happened that I can never forget. I coped with drugs starting in […]
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Why while everything is going fine, when I know how to deal with things and how to solve my problems do I refuse to be ok?
Why if I know everyone matter and everyone is valuable I just don’t know what to do with that?
Why do I feel so rejected? So inevitably rejected for all I am?
Why do I apologise all the time for what I am? Why can’t I stop apologizing? I hate to apologise for even breathing.
Why do I need to hear from others that I am ok? I need it every minute. I keep all day looking for someone to tell me I […]
I don’t understand how someone with so much love in their heart can kill someone so young. I don’t get it.
But I have a question for all of you:
If you have had a family member or a friend or lover that was a murderer, do you still love them, or hate them for the crime they have committed? Or do you hate the crime they committed and still love them? I would like to know. I know it is personal, but I am at a loss for words at what has happened and need to know I am not […]
I’m gay, this is the first time I’ve said it to others. I’m to scared of living with myself if I come out because of the people around me, but I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I have people I care about and people I love, but I don’t want to put them in this situation of having to deal with my gay ass. I have a gay friend I like but she’s the definition of a hoe, but she has her moments. Then I have a straight friend that just leaves me breathless every time she speaks. I want to just be […]
Lately I’ve tried to respond to posts here on SP and for some reason they don’t show up. Wtf? Even SP is rejecting me. I am at the end of my rope. I’m unemployed and can’t find a job and I’m going to run out of money soon. I’m scared and alone and freaking out. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this nightmare called life. I wish I could find the strength to over come my fear of failing at my suicide attempt. The method I have access to takes about 24 hours and I’m scared of getting found […]
Still dealing with anxiety, schizophrenia, depression..I met someone. Who promised fight until I get better. Who promised to stay with me even on my worst days. It’s been 5 months and surprisingly he still with me.. but I’m scared of losing him. He’ll get tired of me, my breakdowns are because of him. Because I just think of the day he’ll leave me, I feel so stupid but I just can’t help it.. how am I supposed to deal with this without hurting him? It’s been hard for me. I think about him day and night, but, I also think about killing myself day and night. […]
I made a friend in the last few weeks here on SP. A friendship forged out of mutual understanding of emotional turmoil.
The last time I talked to him, he was going through a very rough patch. He couldn’t deal with his pain and was on the verge of ending it. In fact, he had tried to make an attempt, but somehow couldn’t go through with it. I tried to talk him out of it. I doubt it worked.
I haven’t heard from him in over a week, and I’m really worried. I think I failed him.
King, if you are still out there, roaming the streets of […]
Drawing fills me with anxiety and it’s something that’s really hard for me. It’s hard to explain. I once tried to become an illustrator, but thought it was going to be complicated if I had to be self-employed, economically unestable and had to deal with my depression at the same time. I don’t have the discipline needed. I felt I wasn’t good enough. It turned me nuts, couldn’t handle it and I had to quit.
But I’ve been drawing a little again this month. And it worked for me today after feeling really down. I am better after being distracted drawing. Did it for hours. It […]