how can i love you,
why do i care,
how was i not aware,
you were going to leave me at my worst,
to turn my life into death,
leave me screaming in despair,
i trusted you to always be here,
through thick and thin,
you put my life in the wrong spin,
when you left i picked up my knife,
i thought i was an ex cutter,
but i guess i was wrong,
i must have been fooled […]
Its been ages since i last wrote on here.
+++ Nothing has changed… Will i be like this forever?
I am still suffering from depression, stopped counselling because it wasn’t helping; but i realized recently i just wasn’t patient enough and i still continue to self harm as a coping method to help me through the mood swings and hatred.
On the plus side… i passed my gcses and started college- which is why my dad says i have no need to cut or be sad. Clearly he doesn’t understand what depression is…
*sigh*
What gets everyone through each horrible night and past the demons?
My kind of suicide isn’t suicide at all, as funny as that may sound.
The way I see it is that I don’t have to take my own life, life will take it for me. All I have to do is live. I mean, even if I get stricken with cancer I can be thankful I won’t live to an old age where I’m helpless, just get it over with. That’s worth the pain I think. I’ve seen an old friend die of cancer, in comparison to other ways one can go out, it didn’t seem that bad the way it hit him quick. And […]
Since I last hurt myself. I’ve been forcing myself to try and stay strong and not do it again. I almost did yesterday, but I willed myself through it.
I had a spiritual experience the other day that… Well it scared me. What I saw. I am a Pagan who has fallen out of practice but am trying to pick myself up again through it. I’ve gone through these types of experiences before, but this one in particular really opened my eyes. At the local New Age shop, they have a cot in the back with a selenite grid underneath it with a bunch of […]
Ever felt so broken that nothing can fix you? So shattered that you couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again, even if you wanted to?
Have you ever had anyone fix you? Someone who ran around for weeks and months trying to pick up the pieces of your tattered soul? I did. I felt destroyed before her. Like there was nothing on the inside. She’s gone now, and her leaving made me realise that there really was nothing on the inside. I actually thought she’d fixed me. Not the half assed job that any dipshit in a suit with a PHD was capable of. No, really […]
Whenever we’re little, why is it that we wish we were older? Much older? Why didn’t anyone warn us of this? The adult life is so sugar-coated and isn’t as glamorous as it’s made to be.We wasted out childhoods on wishing we were done with it, when in all actuality, we would give up anything just to go back.
I first tried to kill myself when I was fourteen, after 3 years of cutting. My parents split up, I lost my 8 day old nephew, my sisters moved out, I lost my friends, and I had nothing holding me back from suicide. I was put on […]
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues, as well as PTSD a few months ago now. I’ve had a doctor, a counsellor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist all working really hard with me to try and straighten some stuff out, and we were doing really well for a while there. I took all the meds, I answered all the questions, I attended every appointment, I talked, I listened, I did everything they all said. But I am so tired and so worn down, that I think I’ve finally had enough.
I cancelled my psychologist appointment this week. She is an incredibly talented woman, so good […]
Do you have a father? I know everyone has, but does your dad love you? Does he remember your birthday? Does he remember, how old you are? Does he want you a good life? Or does he even want you to live?
Mine doesn’t.
Mine was ready to kill me.
Mine values beer over me.
My mum left my dad when I was 2 years, because dad threatened her and my lives. He said he’d kill mum. And when mum left, dad wouldn’t want her to have me, so he wanted to slice me in two pieces, one for him and one for mum. Or just kill me so […]
September 10, 2013
As this may be the last year of my life, I am posting this confession, if you will, to explain why I might commit suicide sometime between June-November of 2014. It’s way out there in mid to late 2014 and not now because I’m giving myself a last chance to succeed. I’m old now, I’ve had 3 health crises in the last 3 years, and my finances, while sufficient for the next 2 years, are not enough to carry me through a long retirement. At this point, given my health, depressed mental condition, and the odds of achieving a major financial reversal […]
I have been so pissed off all day and i’m not over exaggerating. Im getting sick and tired of people using me, abusing me, and making me feel like nothing and im sorry.. yea.. im sorry. im just gonna like.. emotionally detatch myself from everything. you know, my depression is getting bad again. I am regressing into a deeper depression than i was before. and i can feel it not only in my mind but in my heart.. and its killing me. my meds are making me crzy… and .. i just dont know anymore.I wanted to try and be happy but everything just keeps […]
Right now, I’m 20 hours away from the rest of my family and my friends. I’m taking online classes and getting new medication since I can’t get medication where I live.
It’s not very fun. I have therapy sessions every other day, doctor’s appointments, and I have my depression, paranoia, bipolarity, ptsd and ocd to deal with.
Guess what though? This is a vacation for me. When I go back to my school in November, the vacation’s over. When I go back, I have to plaster that smile back on my face. I’ll have to talk to my friends, pretend everything’s alright. It’s really exhausting to have […]
A very pitiful thought came in my mind yesterday. What if science is right. what if all these things – our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, our efforts, our depression, our questions, our reasonability – things that are so important in our life, what if they are in actual just some neuron firings and some chemical interactions. its horrifying. a person is suffering from something. finally one day he resolve that enough, now i’m gonna change it however much i have to put effort. he fight and practice and finally get over that demon. But what IN ACTUAL happened is just a simple change in […]
This website is new to me, I’m not entirely sure how I should be formatting it so I’ll just start typing.
I’m very depressed all of the time, I can’t sleep at night anymore at all. I sleep during the day when I finally crash for most of daylight, it wasn’t always like this but has degraded in the years where my depression became more frequent and overwhelming. I have a laundry list of other personality and mood disorders to go with it, nothing seems to change no matter how hard I’ve strived in the past to overcome. I’ve long since given up, accepted this and […]
It’s very true. I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t know how to make people understand. Just when I think I move on it has the rubber band effect and it just it pulls and pulls and pulls and then it hits harder than it did before. My family isn’t helping, in fact they make me feel way worse. Maybe I should do it. Maybe i need to do it. I don’t see my reason for being on this earth anymore. I just want someone. I’ve been praying and asking ,but i’m just tired of asking for someone. I need my self […]
It’s been a tough few months for me lately.
Some days i hide it well, others, not so much.
Some days I am sat on my own in my bedroom and I feel so low I have no idea where to go or what to do.
I consider whether my next breath is worth taking dozens of times a day.
Some nights i go to sleep and admit to myself that not waking up; well it wouldn’t be so bad.
Sometimes i will try to talk family or friends but they are always seeming so happy that I don’t want to spoil their day so I […]
I need something to keep me going, because anymore I see no point in living. Everyone always meets someone better than me, then I become nonexistent. I’m use to it, I don’t blame anyone, I only blame myself for not being good enough. And yes, I know that people leave our lives all the time but why is it that no one seems to stay in my life? For once, I’d like to feel wanted/needed. But that probably won’t happen, I’ll kill myself long before that day comes.
Really, what’s so great about this world anyways? All I see are a bunch of people who have too many worries to be bothered with some suicidal girl, and I don’t blame them, I wish I could be one of them but I’m not. I’m just a repulsive, hard to love, self harming, suicidal girl. I’m no one special or anyone that will be truly missed. Can someone come and stab me to death, please? It would be much appreciated.
Every day I wake up and go through the same shit, nothing necessarily bad, nut nothing good, ever.
Every time I think something good is gonna happen and make stuff better, it doesn’t, and I just end up feeling worse.
I have a lot of friends, and I’m pretty popular, but every fucking day shit gets worse.
I used to be laidback and funny and outgoing and just a nice fucking person but everyday my patience runs shorter and I’m starting to become so paranoid and I get losses off so fucking easily anymore.
This has been ongoing for the past 6 months and it really hasn’t snapped into […]
I counted up now many days since my largest problems began. I have been clinically depressed for 379 days.
Is it really right to be 17 years old, alcoholic, abusing drugs and 4 separate suicide attempts under my belt? No, I wouldn’t say it was. But miracles happen to those who need it, not those who would like it.
All I have to say this time really. Just thought I’d share my number and I’m interested in listening to others numbers and reasons behind it.
I know I want to do it. I’m 22 , graduating college- everything seems ok. But I recently lost two jobs. I have battled with depression for years, and some of the horrible things that happened to me in my past are starting to show up in my head. I cant make freinds and I literaly sit at home and cry all day. I am in so much pain. I understand completley that killing myself is the only answer. But how do I get the courage to do it ? Part of me is scared of the consequence I guess. […]
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