Living just costs too much…money, resources, energy, emotion. So much cost, and I don’t even want it.
Despite still having this energy and whatnot, the voices and figures have made it impossible to do anything with it for the past few days – meaning I have been increasingly irritable and angry.
I haven’t gotten any work done because I can’t concentrate on anything, so the energy gets burnt off with arguments and fights with my stepdad (verbal and physical – my cheekbone is slightly bruised again, which was accidental, but I’ve covered it so no one knows anyway).
I saw my therapist on Friday and she’s happy with me – I didn’t tell her much, and my mum was going on about how ‘well […]
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My stepdad’s been drinking all afternoon, and it took me 15 minutes to get him to leave me alone after my mum went to bed. I’m alone downstairs now. Left to dwell on the last few days.
I’m still insanely hyper, but at the same time I want to kill myself – not just having the thought pop into my head and then it leaves, I want to go out with my tools to somewhere remote and end it. And I think this is more serious than when I usually want to do it. I’m usually too depressed to move, which explains the lack of attempts […]
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Everyone seems pretty adamant I’m going to college tomorrow. They don’t understand that I don’t need college, I’m doing a bakery business and I’m going to write. Wasting my time and effort at college doing art is stupid when I could be writing, or starting up the bakery.
I gave a hint about me not going, and my mum blew up at me on several occasions today. Great. I need to just avoid it all week until Friday, and tell my therapist. She’ll get it across into my Mum’s thick skull that I don’t need college. I’m going to fail anyway so why drag it out […]
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling low, but usually I’m worried about something. I have anxiety about a lot of things. What people think about me, my loneliness, my future, and of course the suicidal thoughts. I said in an earlier post that my grades were slipping, but usually I’m an A student. It hasn’t gotten that bad, but it isn’t getting any better. Pretty soon I’m going to have to send college apps and I don’t know how to explain that my depression, which no one knows about, has been ruining my chances into getting into my preferred college. Usually I have tiny panic attacks […]
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So my family think I’ve either gone completely insane, or I’m on drugs. This energy and hyperactivity hasn’t gone away – in fact, it’s getting worse. My sleep is also next to nonexistent. I can’t slow down my speech, and I can’t stop moving around.
I got this sudden urge to go to the beach, and so I made my stepdad take me since I wasn’t allowed out the house alone – we went the beach at 9:30 at night. And I literally did a karaoke in the car in the way home again – I have also decided I’m rebuilding hospitals to give them all […]
I got all my hair off yesterday, so now it’s a pixie cut. I’d planned to wait until summer, but I just went to get it done without a second thought. I don’t really know why I did it. I suppose part of it was so the Others don’t recognise me – I’m dyeing it tomorrow, too. The other part is just because through all my racing thoughts, this one stuck.
I did that stupid scale thing with my psychiatrist today. 1-10 for mood, and over the last four days it’s been an 8 or 9, and for my energy it’s 10. I didn’t bother bringing […]
I didn’t sleep Saturday night. I slept for 3 hours last night. I haven’t slept tonight – it’s 5AM. And I’m so energetic I couldn’t care less about the loss of sleep. I have done so much stuff tonight (this morning I stayed in my room because I couldn’t calm myself down – I was extremely happy and was thinking about all these great ideas to do, and I annoy people and get into arguments over it).
For the past couple hours I’ve been doing a sketch for a painting I’ve put off for almost 2 months – surprisingly I’ve been able to focus on it […]
It’s like I’m stuck in limp mode like a vehicle does when something seriously goes wrong with it. Even when I’m not in a depressed state I find myself conserving energy in everything I do. I’ll have a piece of toast for breakfast instead of eggs because it’s easier. I won’t do my hair or wear decent clothes (laundry) if I’m not leaving the house (which is at least 5 days of the week). Then when I do leave the house I do the bare minimum to just not look like a complete slob. It seems like complete laziness, but I just can’t seem to justify making […]
I know I’ve already posted tonight, but I couldn’t get rid of my energy. I ended up working on this drawing of Oliver Sykes and Josh Franceschi.
It’s not finished – I still need to work into their faces and tweak some of their facial features- but I’m about to move on to doing something completely unrelated, and I thought I’d post what I’ve done so far while I’m still somewhat focused on it. It’s good enough considering the state I’m in right […]
My morning was reasonably okay-ish, until I found out my stepdad had been our drinking since 12. He came home around 4 and he and my mum had an argument, so he left to go drinking again. He came back around 10:30 and was completely drunk to the point where he could barely stand up.
Since the argument I’ve been feeling weird. It’s like how I felt last year before I went ‘crazy’ – for lack of a better word – for a week or so. My mind is racing, and my energy is building up. I feel like cleaning the house, but going for a […]
I’m so tired of being tired. I don’t have the energy or focus to do anything worthwhile. I can’t move forward – I don’t have the strength. I struggle to even do the bare minimum. I’m just here, slowly decaying. I’m scared to give up – to die. But nothing will change if I stay. I can’t sleep properly. I can’t eat without stomach pains. I can’t be around people without gut wrenching anxiety. This isn’t some temporary stage that’ll pass. This is me.
I’m just here, not dying, not really living. It could be worse. It probably will get worse.
I don’t know how to live […]
I’m running out of options and reasons to live I might have to go see a psychic as believe in them and spirality energy etc and if they don’t tell me anything dramatic or life changing in a good way I think I’m going to have to call it a day and plann it out properly because iv had enough of being depressed this is not Living Fucking Life this is survival so what’s the point I think my best bet is go see a psychic plan and pick my method and self myself a time line
because let’s face it winning the lottery isn’t going […]
I can’t honestly say right now that there’s anyone I love. I’m just too afraid of it. Until I was 20, I was determined not to date or do anything that might lead to loving someone. I knew I struggled with emotion regulation, so I figured all the strong emotions involved would mess me up. That’s still an issue for me.
But a bigger issue is my fear that someone I love might at some point completely depend on me for a long time. That might be my worst fear of all. If that happened, trying to take care of them would certainly exhaust my limited […]
So it’s been a while since I’ve commented or posted on here. Before I found SP I felt worthless, purposeless and like a failure. I’ve failed at everything I’ve attempted in my life, but when it came to being there for you guys I felt like I meant something. Like I could actually help people like me. However, when those thoughts start to whirl around in my mind every negative, demonic energy creeps up and tells me why I’ll never be worth it and while I’ll never make a difference. I’ve always felt as if I was in search of something, something fulfilling. I’m not […]
I dont really feel..at least not the way I would expect myself to, especially after breaking up with my best friend. I feel calm like something bad is about to happen…and when I do feel its super annoying, cuz ill be happy with tons of energy and super outgoing, and then the next day i’ll be tired and sad and extremely antisocial…on repeat.
i find it so hard to express how I’m really feeling or mayb I don’t know how I’m feeling
so the mental health people come to check up on me every 3 days now because what happened on Monday well the woman asked do I regret doing it I pursed and said noI don’t….
because my life is pretty much a mess I don’t know what to do were to start lost interest in everything I’m bored of life iv seen enough and been though a lot why be optimistic ? Yeah things can get better but finding happiness is what counts and I don’t tink il […]
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