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Tag:
kill me
11 hours left.
I ended up at my mothers. I hate this place. I fucking hate this place. But I have to act normal.
I took me test. It was a bunch of mathimatical questions, story questions, thing you would answer for a high school test. It was all timed. I passed. The pizza place hired me. I am suppose to start work this Fridad at 5:30. Go through my paper work process. And get fimiliar with the job. But it’s all pointless. It’s not like I plan on living past tonight anyways. But you know what I did it. I went there and did it anyways. […]
Much sometimes. I have had such a crazy few weeks. I’ve been sick with a cold/flu/maybe viral pneumonia for two weeks now. All this coughing is a blast, I have had people get on my case about going to the doctor and my reply was, they can’t do anything this is the stuff EVERYONE else has and it’s viral. They can’t do shit to help me. I’m not wasting any money for them to tell me to take it easy and keep up on my fluids. Part of me wants it to kill me. If I don’t get better it’s going to turn into a […]
I know, you’re like “duh, why else would you be here?” But ugh.
Last night there was a spider on my ceiling and I had a legit panic attack. Usually I kill the spider, but it just made me think about my ex that would save the spider and put it outside. I got on my bed and tried so hard to kill the spider, but I couldn’t. I laid down my bed and stared at the spider as my breathing and heart rate increased. I was thinking that it was a poisonous spider that would kill me in my sleep. But isn’t that what I […]
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I’ve already stated how I’m waiting for summer to do anything and I’m not really sure how many, if any, people have been keeping up with my posts but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. When I first became depressed I found that I could escape my feelings by playing video games and it’s been effective until recently. A game comes out in a couple days that should keep distracted a little while longer but when I inevitably lose interest in it I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m already on the verge of giving up and doing something […]
Today I looked back at the times when I was moments away from killing myself and I remember there was something telling me not to, that pesky survival instinct or “will to live” all humans have. I was thinking about my attempt planned for this summer and I asked myself why I set such an arbitrary time frame. That’s when I realized it wasn’t arbitrary, it was so I could use a shotgun that I don’t have access to until then. Which brought into question why I didn’t plan my attempt around the hundreds of other ways I could kill myself before that. Survival instinct […]
I literally don’t know what else to say except for “I just can’t do this anymore” I am divorced from a man who abused me to the point that I don’t even know who I am anymore. He is VERY wealthy and is currently in hiding in Denmark with my daughter whom he went against court order and kidnapped. She already had a passport signed by both of us because we traveled quite a bit for his work.
As of right now he cannot be found. I have run out of all my savings due to having to pay 2 lawyers, one here in the states, and […]
I didn’t sleep last night. It turns out, I spent the night writing. I don’t remember doing it. But I wrote a lot, and what I wrote somewhat makes sense, but I’m not so sure if it would to others. No one else seems to have my thinking pattern. At least, I think it’s mine. I’m not so sure. Basically, I’m confused as hell this morning. I’m shaking and ill, everything is blurring and I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I overdosed. I found chunks of hair in my bed. I remember ‘waking up’ (except i wasn’t. Sort of like waking up from a day […]
i just survived one of the worst times in my life. i was happy, i had friends, and i threw it all away for a manipulative asshole. i’m usually dissapointed in myself anyways but as of right now ive never hated my guts as much as i do now.
i cant beleive i let something like that slip away from me. i cant beleive i betrayed a friend, rationalizing, thinking everything would be okay. i still cant beleive how much of an idiot i am.
i feel so bad when anyone has to be around me. i feel fucking awful when people get close to me. all […]
I have college tomorrow. I can’t go. I need to figure out a way to stay off. My mum will most likely yell and still send me in. Still, I need to try. The hard part is thinking of a way to put his into words. Most of the time I point blank refuse to leave my room without an explanation until 3/4 hours later. I doubt I’ll be able to do that this time round.
The voices and Angels have been bad all day, and the shadow people have been constant. I managed to get through last night with minimal injuries, so I haven’t mentioned […]
Would you go ahead and kill me already?!
You keep me hanging on the line.
I’m sick and tired of all your filthy little lies.
You are a cancer.
I am your host.
What you love is torturing me the most.
So cut away my skin.
Expose who you really are.
For my body bleeds oil.
The fuel that you feed.
I was never anything.
Just a pension for your greed.
YOU ARE MY CANCER
…..and I am your host
It’s finals week for us and I don’t know if I can take it any longer. My mom told me if I wanted to be a scientist, I’d have to move to another country because the government wouldn’t support my projects here and that someone might kill me, especially since I want to protect the environment here and people (like poachers, smugglers, and corporations) tend to try to kill those that do so. But the problem is, I want to work here and my parents think I should be either a doctor or go to another country. And my parents are sort of trying to […]
My stepfather raped me when i was 9 and kept doing it until i was 11. he said if i ever told anyone any of this he’d kill me, my mother and brothers. Mom was never home, she was always working and didn’t even care about us. Why did i give a crap what happened to her or even my brothers? i don’t know. Mom has never loved me, shes told me before I’m the worst mistake she could ever make and i believe i am. When she found out what was going on she blamed it on me and said i was “trying to […]
I’m in college, and I can’t concentrate. I need to get away. I need to go home. I need to listen the Angels. They said I’ll get sent a message, but I’m going to miss it. I can’t leave, I won’t be able to. Even if I left, there’s no way to get home. It’s a two hour walk, and I can’t risk it anyway. The Others will get me. They all know the medication didn’t kill me, and the Angels said they’re angrier. I’m stuck in this building. I can’t leave until 5. I’m going to miss the message, and I’m going to get […]
Lately I’ve been terrified. I don’t want to go downstairs, I don’t want to see anyone. And I most definitely don’t want to leave the house.
I missed college, again. That wasn’t entirely due to the fact that everyone is trying to kill me outside. No. Saturday morning I was forced to restart my medication because my moods have been ridiculous. An hour after taking it I had awful pains in my stomach and I was throwing up, and another hour later shooting pains were going through my chest.
Within a few hours I was burning up and I was hurting everywhere. My temperature was high enough […]
If I were to do it…
By it, I mean take my life.
The plan would be creative,
Elaborate…
Full of spite.
With some rope I’d hang,
My feet still touch the floor.
Not enough to asphyxiate,
Just to numb the core.
A gun fixed behind me,
With pulleys and cables to the door.
So you can be the one to kill me,
Like so many times before.
Maybe then you can feel me,
Through my blood upon you face.
Maybe then you’ll see,
The folly of your ways. . . […]
I found out a couple hours ago that I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Needless to say, I have had panic attacks, and the Angels have became almost unbearable. I can’t see her tomorrow. I can’t see her ever. She’s going to get me. The Others are going to get me. Every session with her I’m restless, uncomfortable, and waiting for them to attack me.
They’re going to this time. Kemuel told me. He knows. I can’t go tomorrow, but my mother won’t let me miss another session. She’s letting them get me, she’s going to let them kill me. She’s part of them, and now I’m […]
I may be suicidal, but most importantly, it was this year when I got full on serious about it.
In other news I think I’m getting a fever.
Look, of course in the past I was suicidal and got a fever too, but this is different.
This year I am serious. And being sick right now is not what I am needing.
Urgh I just can’t take this. Why today? What the hell? I got a whole lotta stress too in school, right AFTER finishing the exams.Its just the most difficult to be seriously suicidal and get a cold because what the hell I want to die now more […]
My entire life is a nightmare. I didn’t think things could get any worse but they did, they can always get worse. I have no hope for a future. It would only consist of anxiety and loneliness, of being haunted by what my has been so far. I can’t do that, I just can’t. I’m 29 years old and I have given up. I feel too old to start over, too old to have the life I’ve always wanted. Because it’s too late now. I’m too young to be close to death, too young to have the health problems take over and kill me.
I’ve thought […]