I’m not sure if I should say where I’m from since I’m about to throw shit at this country but i’m just gonna say I’m from Eastern Europe. I truly hate the country I live in and I have reasons to. Recently I came back from Berlin. For these few days there everything was fine. I didn’t have to worry about anything. The second I left the train everything came back to this awful state. Part of the reason it was this way is because I planned killing myself after I’ll come back. But everything here makes me feel more and more depressed. This country […]
why is school so hard? I’m not meaning academically but the people, I can’t help but feel judged and people look at me and laugh and it doesn’t help that I hate my body but today was awful. In Spanish I sit by two socialites and they always try to talk to me in a nose way and today they kept looking at me and laughing. Every time I did I only tried to hide my face and go away. It’s so hard to ignore these people and no one seems to get it my friends don’t help or anything and I just feel like I’m […]
Well, Friday didn’t pan out as planned. I’m going to try again some time before Wednesday. I have a question that I’m hoping someone can answer. Is it safe to use your cell phone and mp3 while using charcoal in a car? I wanted to text someone before I died and listen to music to relax me. I read somewhere that using your cellphone during this method will cause it to explode. Is that true or not?
I’ve been depressed almost all my life, and suicidal on and off ever since I was a child. These past few months have been nothing but hell, I’ve tried everything to fix things and be happy, but this time, I just can’t force myself to be. On Friday I plan on using charcoal to kill myself. I hope it works, the last thing I want is to wake up again. I’ve tried multiple other methods within these months, but every time I either can’t do it or I just wake up hours later. This time, I’m determined to finally make the pain stop. Nothing is […]
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.
The contemplation of suicide is omnipresent in all of our lives. A choice of staying in this putrid, disgusting, vile, evil, and irreparable existence sickens myself and those that are feeling the same as I am.
We seek nothing more than the affirmations of love, life, truth, justice, and respect.
My inevitable choice is one designed by fate and itself.
I’ve commenced the process of leaving this form.
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Don’t you just love it when you’re family, who you’re not with most the day, tell you that “you’re so fat! how much can you eat?! Just stop eating the entire house!” when you’re just making a egg sandwich and its the first thing you’ve eaten for 1 and half days. Now they’re telling me I’m wasteful for leaving a boiled egg in the fridge. why don’t I just don’t eat ever again. why don’t I just not eat anything so I’m never wasteful. How about I just die so I’m wasting any of your time, not wasting space in your house, not doing anything […]
It’s strange. Just some minutes ago I was feeling numb and empty and now my feelings are taking me down. I stare out of the window asking myself “Well, would those stones really kill me if I jumped with my head ahead on them?” Then my other voice decides for me: “Too risky, the chance of surviving and end up in a clinic with everyone thinking you’re mad and idiotic and eventually leaving you too is just WAY too high…” Wow. My mind sure knows how things work and what makes me feel better again. Not.
I’m in this I-hate-myself-can’t-do-anything-anymore-but-being-depressed-I-just-wanna-die mood again, if you know […]
I’ve just been wondering about this question, so yeah, as the title already says, what’s keeping you alive?
Family? Friends? Something you don’t wanna miss?
For me, I guess it’s mainly my family, because I couldn’t imagine just leaving them here with all this shit that I created and they have to pay for in the end.
They really don’t deserve it.
The second would be that I’m just too fucking ***** to actually do it. I have to admit, even though life is Hell on Earth already, I’m still afraid of what comes after death. Whether I have to regret it or not.
Besides this little God […]
I have no motivation for anything! I’m about to graduate collage, but this last semester is killing me and I’m failing 3 classes. I don’t even care, after I graduate (or not) I’m leaving and going to do nothing with my fucking degrees and I don’t care, because I don’t like them anyways, I’m not going to make anything out of myself because I don’t care! the only reason I’m alive is because I cant seem to kill myself all the way! So I guess I’ll just keep not caring and living my whole stupid life because as long as I’m alive everyone’s happy. even […]
good night my SP family il leaving my email here if anyone what’s to chat advice or support don’t hesitate we all struggling here some more then others supports a good think and I love all u guys to Xxx stay strong to morrow the battle continues D
Indigojones5@gmail.com
My family are the only people I can count on. If I ever left this world my mother and sister would be broken beyond repair. No matter how much I think about the relief of leaving this burden called life, I don’t want to hurt the only people who gave a fuck about me. When people told me that I shouldn’t be alive because of the way I look, my mom still smiled in my face and hugged me everyday. I feel ashamed I’m not a better son. My mom deserved a son that’s talented, charming, and handsome But she’s stuck with me haha
I cried walking home from dunkin donuts … Again . I am going threw wired feelings lost hopeless are some i can name . Im leaving to a place I hate and people I dont want be around. Im lieing to my family about what im doing . little i thought i had im going to loose . writing this threw tears im going to force a smile in moment .
I want to die. I want to leave this place. All I want to say is… I AM SORRY. I am sorry I am so broken. I am sorry I don’t make any sense. I am sorry I am a burden. I am sorry I have gotten in the way. I am sorry for leaving you, but I am also sorry I stayed so long. I am sorry I am the way I am. I am sorry I am sick. I am sorry I haven’t done or said the right things. I am sorry I haven’t tried hard enough. I know this is my fault […]
So, I’ve made it clear I’m leaving. I’ve been attacked from every angle. It’s relentless. I’m holding my ground. I won’t back down. I’ll burn this fucking world to the ground.
Where’s this strength coming from? I’m not sure. I will use it as long as it last.
I theorize I’ve never been more serious about suicide. I don’t want to die. So human-drive.
Here’s a poem I wrote through my sons eyes:
Watching out the windows,
Looking out of doors,
Scanning the horizon,
Gaze up to the stars.
Searching for that something,
That has gone so far away,
I don’t remember why I’m waiting,
I’m leaving for a job interview in an hour. Hoping I get employed. If I found a job again I wouldn’t feel so useless. It’ll give me a purpose to get up every day again.
This last week has been a blur.. I dont know what to think, cant seem to identify how i feel. When i think about leaving i seem to think of my kids less lately. And more about the end of feeling. Telling myself shell find someone to step in and in a few months itll be asif i had never even been here. Mom wont care, shell still be focused on success and work after a few weeks again. Dad wants to kill himself to so whats the difference. Im glad my boys are young they wouldnt remember. But i wonder would i be free? […]
I woke up completely unhappy and lonely. I tried to take a shower, turned on the water and just collapsed into the corner. I was annoyed at myself afterward for leaving the water running, such a waste of water. I was in the corner for like an hour.
I don’t understand why I have to be this way! I walked into the kitchen afterward… and seen knives and had every desire in the world to end it right then and there. I ran to my bedroom and just got under the covers. I finally got strength from somewhere and started feeling a bit better, but I […]
Today I looked back at the times when I was moments away from killing myself and I remember there was something telling me not to, that pesky survival instinct or “will to live” all humans have. I was thinking about my attempt planned for this summer and I asked myself why I set such an arbitrary time frame. That’s when I realized it wasn’t arbitrary, it was so I could use a shotgun that I don’t have access to until then. Which brought into question why I didn’t plan my attempt around the hundreds of other ways I could kill myself before that. Survival instinct […]
I’ve been in counseling for like a month. I thought it would help more than it has, but I guess it isn’t much of a surprise that my counselor can’t just fix for me what I haven’t been able to fix for myself. My counselor hasn’t offered diagnoses and I haven’t asked. She doesn’t know all the information, quite frankly because most of it is really embarrassing, and also because if I said I was suicidal she might tell my mom or the school. I’d rather go unchecked and kill myself than let them find out and have to explain it. And how would I explain to […]
I think this photo will be the wrong way around when it posts, but oh well.
I finally went to see Deadpool yesterday, so of course I had to draw him. I don’t really like the way this turned out, but I decided to post it anyway since no one else will look at it. So, despite not leaving my room until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I still had a productive day.
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