This website is comforting. When I come here I feel like I can say my most painful thoughts and nobody judges. Maybe nobody even cares, which is fine as well. I just like someone to read my words without any judgement.
I don’t even know if this website is healthy for me to come to. But when I feel like I’m about to explode, I come here and feel a little bit more calm.
Let me tell you something. I have no idea how to be good at life. No idea what so ever. I applaud people that are good at it.
I know I brought this up several times already, but this happens with me often, with my guidance or anyone really. Happened with the psychologist today. You know when they bring up suicide or something dire like that, you can’t help but *smile* or *laugh*.
God its embarrassing. I guess its to take the pressure off, since its a heavy topic. Or maybe its because we all have to laugh at a topic like that. Its possible, in my case, I felt like crying so bad, that all I can manage is a laugh or smile.
Its stupid. I tried so hard not to smile or laugh. […]
I have just about had enough of this. I am so tired of feeling like I want to take my own life, telling myself that it will pass, feeling a little better, just to be slammed with the same damn feeling all over again. There are times when I realize that maybe I dont really want to die that I just want these feelings and emotions to stop. But its been going on for so long now I really dont think it will ever happen. Im so sick of feeling this way and maybe the only way out is to finally just do it.
Ugh, […]
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This morning (Monday) I finally got to sleep for the first time since Friday.
Slept for 12-13 hours, and still woke up feeling like someone who could give zombie-lessons.
I can sit and stare at the wall for an hour, doing nothing and thinking almost nothing, before my brain finally nudges me into consciousness.
Something is definitely weird.
I have two different doctor appointments next week, so maybe one of them will have an idea what’s going on.
Until then, hi, everybody.
Mondays are rotten for most people, so […]
So I did a bad thing. Today is my boyfriends birthday and I was scrolling through facebook and saw a post from a friend of ours who I think over steps her boundaries with him.
It was a happy birthday post, however it wasn’t good. It basically said “you’re not at uni, you don’t have a job, you don’t have any hobbies and you don’t leave your room. Maybe this is the year you’ll do something. Happy birthday my lover and my friend”
Tell me what part of that post isn’t appropriate! That, in my opinion, isn’t nice. So in a fitof misery and anger, I went […]
I sometimes wish to die even though I’m not depressed. I don’t want to sound psychopathic, but I guess I like the word death. I want to get away with this world. I hate myself. I’m fat, stupid, insane, selfish… I don’t actually know my real personality. It changes every time I feel different, or when the place changes. Please, don’t hate on me or something… This is my first post and my only place I can be me, maybe. I hope I can find my real self one day.
And then maybe they would realize how bad my mental state has become and maybe they could help.
Unfortunately, due to my shitty personality (filled with ego and thinking I know what’s best) outside help hasn’t really helped me in the past.
It won’t matter if I end it all, it’s the best solution because that’s what I think :p
So, I’ve kinda figured out how to get some drugs online using Tor (I think…lol). Think I’ll go away sometime next month. Maybe go to California, go to some amusement parks and then poof. I’m out of this shit hole
It’s one of those nights. I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay up with somebody and feel like I have a physical human being around with whom I can form some kind of bond. It gets dull adding a new chapter to my two novels, or writing lyrics for the next song project. It’s old, I’m tired, and I need somebody- not something. No more games, books, or any other cheap form of entertainment. I need this thing called a human bond. It’s always seemed to allude me.
I’m not sure what to do. I never have been. I do my best to fit […]
I’m about done, I’m tired of being the last child, I’m a twin, we’re the oldest, yet she gets everything, he gets everything, the baby gets everything. “How come I didn’t get to go to the restaurant?” -me. “Because we thought you were going to go outside.” -mum. “You don’t let me outside, I’m not allowed outside. Things would be easier if you didn’t have four kids, you could easily take care of us all, and maybe love us equally.” Then of course I get sent to my room. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired of this life…
-BloodShallShed
Awhile back, maybe too long back, I was receiving very supportive comments from someone by the username Noctis. They don’t have any posts on their profile, so I don’t know if they’ve posted comments recently or not. Has anyone seen this person/username around lately?
I’d like to hope they’re still around, but I’d also like to know if they’re not. If you know anything, please let me know.
Thank you.
And Noctis, if you’re out there, I hope you’re doing well, friend. I miss you.
My name is Costy. And I am shit. Do you know what shit is? It is Costy. Costy just dosen’t understand life.It is a miracle? or just an accident? Whatever it is , it dosen’t have any application in our daily lives…I guess that the major cause for my downfall was nihilism, even if I would have everything in the world..we are going to die anyway. What is there for us? Nothing or maybe “something”. I don’t want to get old..
I have so many fucking toughts in my head. Why do I exist? I just want peace.
I’m not too bright. Maybe because I’m blonde. A complete understatement. For me, anyways. I’m clumsy. Not really that good looking either. To me, anyways. Most of all, bad luck seems to follow me everywhere. Definition of ‘accident prone.’ Some times it feels like the big guy in the sky has it out for me. But seeing as I’m still alive, he must not want me that much. Maybe he just likes to watch me suffer.
So far, I had to go to the mental hospital three times. All together I have 16 scars, and that’s only on my right arm. A […]
To feel the weight in my hand, the cold of its steel against my lips, playing with the trigger, but never quite enough to pull.
It’s laying here in bed with me, I’ve been laying in bed most all day, I lay in bed most all days, till eventually get up, maybe buy a burrito or go for a run.
I think about her, and how her brother used the gun, how her father used the gun, how my father used the gun.
Too many guns.
I think of all the other hers, the ones that almost were, the most recent hers, but still it […]
The dark will consume you, you know that right?
What do I do about it? How do I make it stop?
Make it stop? It is what is called an inevitable outcome, the bi-product of a hatred you have built for years. You can’t just choose to forget the past, when it wants you, it will come for you.
But I only ever meant to know why, never for a sinful desire to be fulfilled…I promise I am not a bad man.
But that is not what you tell yourself at night, it’s not the prayer you recite in your head throughout the day.
No…I suppose it isn’t.
Correct, it is […]
Today has gone kinda of smooth felt shit waking up and most of the morning then afternoon seemed to level out now at home and can’t stop fucking eating maybe it’s the anti depressants ? Or am I comfort eating ? Or trying to fill that void inside there is always that void inside I don’t no what it is but I no I always need it filled with food drink sex etc why is that void there what is that void I really don’t know but I really hate my weight I’m not over weight I just think I’m fat but I’m […]
This is my last chance. My last post. My last idea to change hope for the future. My life has had many happy and not so happy moments, and that’s what is getting to me. I may still be young, but no one not even myself knows everything I’ve been through. You may find no interest reading something like this, but those who do, I suggest you read everything.
My name is Mike. I am 17 years old, and have lived through a lot in this so far short life. I have two medical conditions: Moebius and klinefelters. If you say me in real […]
Maybe I want to give up fighting because things are broken that can’t be fixed hope can drive a man insane suicide seems sweet wile life is rough a razor across the flesh can relieve so much pressure watching the blood drip into the sink can look like art work maybe iv got used to living in the darkness and dying is more entertaining then living maybe dying early is my destiny
I haven’t posted in a while and I don’t respond to shit so I’d understand if everyone just waves this off. I’ve been hearing voices for a while now first I thought it was me just being stupid and it wasn’t constantly so I ignored it. I thought it was my subconscious for a while but then it got worse and I keep getting sharp headaches which follows by the voices. I still don’t know if it’s me just acting stupid or if this is genuine, but they keep getting worse and worse telling me to kill myself or to hurt others. I use to […]
Often when i’m stressed, like when there are important exams coming up in the near future (or any particularly significant event for that matter), I have a series of thoughts that run through my head. It’s a mantra that half keeps me sane and half makes me insane.
“You could join the army instead. You could commit a crime instead. You could kill yourself instead.”
Each of these prospects require a varied level of commitment, but over time they become less of a threat and more of an ideology.
Although all three of these options keep bouncing around my head, right now i’m contemplating committing a crime. I […]
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