In the beginning there was darkness, and that seemed like all there would ever be. Then something amazing happened. A massive burst of light lit up all of existence while simultaneously creating it. In my case, the darkness would be my life. Not chaos, and there was no pain, but there was nothing to light it up, nothing to justify its existence. Then she came into my life, and it all became clear. I no longer feared the depths of myself, and I felt like the invisible hand that seemed to crush me from all sides loosened its grip. It was pure randomness, chaos that […]
Tag:
maybe
went out swing dancing tonight, one of the most positive and life affirming activities there is and i still want to kill myself.
i mean nothing to nobody and its just like, im a robot, existing, emotionless but on the precipice of tears, like there is something in me that’s like, get shit done before going to bed, and the bigger part saying, just kill yourself, kill yourself dead. it’s gotten so, so much louder in the past few days.
i feel like veronica sawyer in heathers just like been to hell and back, every fucking hour.
i wish i had someone to practice swing dancing with and sing some […]
I know it’s hard to take me. I have to live with me don’t I? My youth pastor and best friend are really good about dealing with my intensity, to my face anyway. But I get the sense that they are sick of hearing the same garbage with no change. Don’t they know I’m sick of feeling the same garbage every day too? I speak up every couple weeks, because I can’t take being so alone anymore. I ask for prayer not advice, and I don’t ask to talk about it. I just let them know my head isn’t right. They say they don’t know […]
I like the idea behind this site, but I’m trying to keep my expectations low before I spill my guts.
Can anyone see my email address? I rarely use it, but I noticed I had to supply an email for here and Gravatar in order to get my avatar.
I’m also curious about how big and how active this community is.
I look forward to getting to know some of you, and maybe posting more about myself in the future.
Hi guys, hope you good, got some favors to ask.
I want to see a therapist, but I don’t know what the deal is with me, this sadness I carry, always thinking about how the living dies and hurts others in horrible ways and I can’t just do anything, can just watch. The only thing I can do is to be there for the ones I love but even then, nothing is sure. I don’t even want to die that bad now, I feel like I have a job to finish here. It feels like that my sadness drives me on since no long, but what […]
Did you know naproxen causes
Nausea
Blurred vision
Vomiting
Movement problems
Dizziness
Coma
Incoherence
Slow labored breathing
Stomach pain
And ringing in your ears?
A lot of the times it’s given to people who’d look like they’d abuse zanex.
A handful of these or more and you tear stomach lineing and end up with ulsers even brain hemorrhage after waking up from coma.
But coma sounds so sweet. Sure I’ll wake up with a couple ulsers and my stomach lineing will get torn but at least I get to sleep for more than just a day. Maybe a couple days or a couple weeks who […]
Is it possible to have nostalgia for things you’ve never had or experienced? It’s like, maybe watching television and reading books isn’t such a great idea, because I see their lives, and I want them. Not all the drama, but the freedom, I guess. The friendships. The honesty. I wish I had those things growing up. And I look back on my life so far, and I feel like I’m missing my younger years. Then I remember what shit my younger years were, and I realize I’m missing what I missed. I’m missing the things that other people have. Maybe that’s more like envy, but […]
Actively writing now.
Zetsumei- I’m not sure exactly what your character name is? I like the premise of it though.
HDS- the Bean Warrior will make an appearance, somewhere, not sure when or where, but it will be epic.
The Valiant- your unknown character is too much fun. Will be appearing somewhere, maybe.. or will it. It’s possible. Maybe. -o-
Still open for new characters.
Who are you? What do you do ? Why?
it’s amazing how they told me, when i was younger, that i won’t feel this way forever. They always told me that it will get better and that i should stay strong. Well, I can’t stay strong forever and things are only getting worse. I don’t know how long I can hold on…
I remember talking to a friend about the way i felt. They answered “Maybe life just isn’t for you.” This broke me but maybe they were right…All I know now is that it had never gotten better, so why would it now?
Hey Wiskered-fish how are things going with your meds and the extra energy discovery?
Hey ToTrees, I shouldn’t say this because you erased your post but: Hey that’s really bad, the headache thing. Hope you may sleep a little more maybe? Or would it be better a short walk?
You know what’s been killing me this last days? Freetime… I gave it all to get some freetime and it exploted on my face.
Maybe you can become an inventor (I am rambling here) and design a device to keep racoons away hahaha.
Enjoy your cofee
Hey Ylem I am crossing my fingers everything everything goes right with your […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
So I stoped talking to my parents if I can avoid it. I am going through that idea of geting my emotional independence, so if one day I do decide to put an end to this whole thing then they will be used to not having me around.
I am in a period of time when I am all alone again. My friends left the country (mine is one of those countries you always want to leave) and they are organizing their own lives. Good for them.
I was thinking that maybe this is how life is supposed to be : you grow up and learn you […]
I’m seen from a window high in the sky, when i dive into this scene that i live through frame by frame, each isolated, but in each i can see feel and hear any and everything, i can hear fingers plucking guitar strings, how the grease from them stick to the strings and pluck them off-tempo as fingers release pressure. I get lost in a pink haze of stage smoke while i’m hypnotized by voices and sounds. To look then into the past and remember that constantly I get the reflex of eating with my elbow up, It hit me whilst i ate something in the […]
Lately I’ve tried to respond to posts here on SP and for some reason they don’t show up. Wtf? Even SP is rejecting me. I am at the end of my rope. I’m unemployed and can’t find a job and I’m going to run out of money soon. I’m scared and alone and freaking out. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this nightmare called life. I wish I could find the strength to over come my fear of failing at my suicide attempt. The method I have access to takes about 24 hours and I’m scared of getting found […]
I wake up today feeling much more like my old self, but just dumb-founded where that self finds, er, itself. How did we wind up here? It really makes no sense to me now. How could I not have just followed the path I was on before? It’s like I couldn’t stand the idea of stability, and so just constantly interrupted and disrupted any and everything that at any time was going smooth.
Had a house, had a girl, somewhat had a job, but still couldn’t find satisfaction. Maybe it was in part still coming to terms with past and present demons, Dad killing himself, mom […]
Why do I find my morality, my principels to be so important. Is it because it is who I am, my very essence or protecting my pride from becoming like those who disgust me. Why do I care about others if I believe everything has no purpose, that our constant struggle is meaningless? I guess one could say that reality is based off one’s perception making any belief a truth. Although the world is non-existent to me those around me seem to see it. Maybe I’ve been sitting in the dark too long, maybe if I left my eyes open long enough I could see […]
Last week I thought I was starting to get better. I started to let go of my depression, trying to live normally and forgetting about everything that cause my depression. I thought I was doing well. But right now, everything… everything is starting to come back. Everything is starting to fall apart again. Everything is breaking. I’m now being consumed by my depression again and I can’t control it anymore. Maybe I can’t ever be saved from my mental illness. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe life isn’t really for me. And I’ve decided, I’m going to end this fucked up life.
Tonight at symphony rehearsal, the director had a sad announcement to make.
One of our trumpet players was found dead in his car.
He was maybe late 20’s or early 30’s, and I’ve known him for over 10 years. For as long as I’ve known him, he has had a lot of problems with drugs.
I remember sometimes after rehearsal, a small group of us used to go out for dinner, then we would sit around outside and chat for a few hours. I remember he would freely admit that he was willing to try any drug he could afford, legal or not. It helped him mentally escape […]
I don’t think i can do this any more, i feel as if I’m just annoying everyone and that no one needs me any more which is true my father don’t even want to spend time with me any more. His started speaking in French so I don’t understand him when his talking to other family members but i understand what he says. Maybe leaving this wretched world will give everyone peace especially me. I can’t take the pain from being the mistake in the family, i mean i know i am the mistake it’s everyday i get told i am. I didn’t ask to […]