I’ve never tried to kill myself. the thought of wanting to cripples my mind and it rots away at my soul everyday. my bones ache to the point where i can barely function
I’m missing someone and with his absence comes a sadness that will rip my chest opensoon and i wish i knew how to fix me and i wish i knew how to be better
what is my purpose and why am i so sad
the sleeping pills are kicking in now and its hard to keep my head up
need a friend
Tag:
my head
I thought I was okay today. But the darkness brings bad memories. I can still feel their hands all over me. I feel like I can’t breathe and the voice inside my head is telling me I shouldn’t be.
Just please someone tell me how to make it all stop. How do I not feel them all over me? How do I push away the voice? How do I learn to not fear the darkness?
I swear I want to live. But I can’t live if I am going to be this mess forever………
Can anybody tell me something the makes me feel like there is still hope?!
Just […]
I am 20, almost 21. I have attempted suicide 7 times in my life, from the time I was 7 on. I don’t like human instinct, my body seems to find the right way to stop me from dying or someone that I love shows up and stops. I am supposed to be a business owner for a company my boyfriend wanted to start, but everything is in my name and whenever something he does goes wrong he blames me and lashes out verbally at me. I have tried a bag and belt over my head, sleeping pills, antidepressants, anti anxiety. . . but it […]
Trembling, tumbling, turning
Down the spiral I go
All these feelings, no one will ever know
Who’s to say this gun won’t blow
Live a day through my eyes
See all the happy little lies
Paranoia sets in, creepy little spies
Voices in my head like pesky demon flies
I can’t escape these dark skies, for all I want is nothing but to die…
it happened on a cold winter day
and was started by a romantic cliche
the ghost of being all alone
departed when you took me home
and shattered all I’ve ever known
I can’t forget the darkness that night
except for the beam of that brake light
the embrace of your king sized bed
softened all the words you said
and reminds me that I can’t forget
our bodies’ passionate duet
one minute you were drinking with me
and then the next we’re in neck deep
I still can taste the wine we shared
and feel the heat of our affair
now it’s been burned into my head
The deep voice within my mind is stuck on repeat. “Let me out” “get me out of here” as I sit here alone with the thoughts of my head and brain exploding. Leaving me (my mind) to be set free from this head, this body
Keepin’ my eyes on the road this time around
Keepin’ my hands pressed to the wheel
Something so strange as a woman has got me down
Ain’t gonna be your damn fool again
Drivin’ tonight just to ease my mind
A man in his mood is a most dangerous kind
And there was a time my head went blind
Couldn’t see the sign at the time years would go by
Before I wondered who or where or what or why
Lovin’ you was like lovin’ a house on fire
Burning and learning baby when the damage was done
And now I’m tired and I’m […]
I was started on lithium and gabapentin I’m the psych ward and have had crazy shakiness ever since. I’m also on Zoloft, seraquel and trazadone. I stopped the lithium and gab cold turkey about a week ago but still have the shakes. Makes me want to blow my head off. I didn’t take seraquel last night to see if it helps but I wasnt able to sleep but 1&1/2. Anybody else have this problem? What do I do? Feel like I’m going crazy… again
Like all of us here, ive spent more than enuff time swimming in a pool of self imposed agony, I realize its all an illusion inside my head. Ultimately ive decided to LET GO. And realize we all are dying whether we want to or not. I guess suffering is nessesary in order to see the truth. It became easier when i just stopped caring.
It was hard then to get out of that mental state. I don’t want it to come back. It feels like it’ll overwhelm me completely, this time with newer with harder demons, more temptations.
It is after all, just the circle of life aye ?
So, do I risk everything thus far and let go of the grip keeping my head above the waters?
Sigh.
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it’ll be this hard, I’m going back to the start.
I don’t think there can be many feelings as bad as living in an absolute hell. But I’m not sure what’s hell about it. Living with people I love but – think I got it.
Living a miserable life, so bad that all my effort and will power goes into making me look slightly gloomy at the best of times. My head pounds and my bones ache from the pressure.
I value the people around me more than anything – but sometimes I don’t think they even care about me – what’s behind the façade.
The only time I can have a decent conversation with one of my […]
I just wish my sanity would just stay. I hate it when my head plays these games. I wish the panic attacks would just stop. It is not that big of a deal. I’m so insicure and you can see it in my face. I’m so ashamed of it. I wish I could just talk about things instead of bottling it. Instead of dealing with shit I get lost in work. I enterlenize everything. I’m destroying myself. And then the anger. It just builds in my system. It fucking boils. I can’t stand it sometimes. It’s me. I know it’s me and it sucks I […]
This past mont my anxiety and paranoia have gotten so fucking bad that at some points in my day I can barely breathe. I shake and my head goes crazy. I get so dizzy and my fiancé helps me he does but when he’s not here my anxiety gets worse.
So there was this guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s been on my mind for almost a year. He isn’t just any guy though. He’s an adult. He was there for me when I needed him. He’s my ex best friends step dad. She told him what was going on with me. He stayed up talking to me and he got me drunk.. I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have drank. Things got awkward and semi sexual. I admit that that was wrong as well. But a part of me liked it. A part of me felt important. A part […]
23rd is my day now guys.. I won’t bore you anymore with my posts. No one can never get used to such condition I’m in. I wish I can say I’m happy now that I finally figured out how to end it but.. I just wish my mom didn’t come back to see this, even she understands that I can’t live for her, she told me that. I’ve been trying lately to sort of make my mom hate me to make it easier for her but it only works for a little while then I feel like an asshole and automatically talk to her. It’s […]
I want to kill myself and once I’m in the act of doing so, I freeze and I cant? Why can’t I be one of the people that get hit and runned and shot by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Why can’t I own a gun and place the cold metal barrel to the side of my head and with a slight movement…end it all; for once and for all. Do I pity my mom and feel sorry that all her children bring her disappointed and frustration is that it and ending myself make it hit rock bottom? Im tired and […]
I don’t wanna lose it again. The last weeks and months were better, but now I know I’m heading right towards the abyss and can’t seem to change the direction, no matter how much I would like to. I do stuff even though I know it’s detrimental. Like even at this moment I’m listening to music of which I know it triggers my depression. Maybe it has to do with the days getting shorter and the weather getting colder. Or maybe it’s the stress, but that’s usually worse when I have to write exams. Best I can do now is survive another 1 1/2 weeks […]
Why did this happen to me? Why did I fall so deep into this dark hole which engulfs my spirit? Why does this hole block out love, peace, and happiness? Why must I feel such hatred and anger towards others? I could ask “why” millions of times, but i won’t get an answer. I’ve tried for years, trying to find an answer. My mom told me to pray as a kid, that God would answer all my questions. Well where was God when I needed him in my darkest hours? In the hours I held a gun to my head, or popped a few pills. […]
Lately I have been thinking, I am not the person I used to be. The fact that I can’t get it out of my head makes me so fucking sad. I think back at the person I used to be and now that things have changed… Many, many things have changed. It makes me so mad and depressed about it. It sucks too because I just want to not think about it. But they won’t leave. I can’t think of any way to stop thinking than to just “stop existing.” Because why else should I even be here, if I am just going to keep […]
When I get up from being down I always try to get a new start. Make myself different like a new man. I try to get a new start to erase my mistakes. The next day everyone sees me, notices me. This kills me since I just want people to forget me. Remembering me is remembering my failures. So now instead of a new me people see a new failure to be made. How can I hold my head up high when every can see my flaws? A reason I would hate to die is because before I’m forgotten everyone would bring up the worst […]