When we first met I had no intention of letting you inside, of giving you my heart, of loving you with my soul. Just a little while later, all of that came true. It all came true at the point I was most ready to end my life. It was… a miracle of sorts. The single best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No longer on the edge, I was yours to take, although you never did. But still, the tomorrows kept coming because of you. It’s two years later and nothing’s changed. I wish I had moved on by now, but with […]
Tag:
my life
Since I was about three years old I was told my life would be become better for the events that played out later.
My parents split when I was three (no I am not heartbroken about it, I have not talked it him in almost 15 years). I was told that my life would take a step in a better direction now that a toxin was gone.
I was sexually and physically assaulted when I was five. No one in my life found out until I was 12/13 because hell at the time I didn’t even know what that was. It was my mom’s boyfriend at the […]
A couple days ago, someone posted some very nice information that suggested where I might be able to buy canned CO2 in significant amounts (for a possible exit hood that I’ve been thinking of). This post was taken down–most likely because it infringed on the rules of this website–and now it seems unlikely that I’ll be able to find the author of that post so I can contact them for additional information.
This makes me incredibly frustrated. There are thousands of other methods of suicide that I could utilize to end my life. Am I not allowed to have information on the least destructive of those methods? And one that […]
This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) Â It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career […]
When I got laid off in January I quit all my psych meds except for occasional Xanax for job interviews. I thought I was finally helping myself after years of being a zombie. I was proud of myself and thought the hardest part was over. Wrong. I saw my shrink yesterday and told her I still suffer from extreme nausea and only Xanax and getting drunk makes it go away. She pointed out that my hands were also shaking. She then pointed out the obvious that I have been in denial of. I’m an alcoholic and when my body isn’t drunk or medicated I now […]
Hi guys. I’m still here! And by here, I mean alive. Maybe I don’t feel all mentally there 100% of the time. I’m not recovered by any means. But, I’m significantly better. Medicated with prescriptions that work so well for me. I’ve changed. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I have more friends now. I have a boyfriend. Yeah, he lives in England and I’m in the USA. It’s not ideal. But I’ve never been so in love in my life. Am I allowed to write shit like this? Am I allowed to be happy? Regardless, I’m dying to share what I’ve been […]
Why do people say it’s selfish to end your own life?
What’s so selfish about ending your own suffering?
Why do people make your suicide mission about them?
Why is it always “You don’t want to be remembered like that, do you”?
Do you know the constant battle that’s going on inside my head?
Do you know that self harm is the only thing that makes me feel in control of my life?
Are you there every night when I cry myself to sleep?
Do you understand it’s a miracle I’m not already dead?
Constant change is pretty much inevitable in life. I’ve always been really afraid of change. Therefore, constant fear seems pretty much inevitable in life. That’s one of the reasons I often feel so hopeless.
You’d think I’d have nothing to lose making a change now, given how miserable I’ve been for the past two years. Nope. I have to prepare myself for the worst, so that just in case the worst happens I won’t have some sort of breakdown. I start thinking that maybe my life now isn’t so terrible, which normally would be a good thing, except that I know as soon as the fear […]
Been reading that the problem with the suicide is that the person feels more pain than they can cope with. But I don’t feel pain anymore. I’m just tired. EXHAUSTED. Everything in my life is loss and debts and failures and panic attacks and I’m tired of this. I used to feel a lot of pain. Now I don’t. Not anymore. I just want to stop existing.
the weather here has been such shit lately and that onto of everything else has thrown my mood down so much, I wish I had someone to talk to, to distract me from the mess that is my life, even if just for a night
I think one of the few good things (if not the best) that have happened to me since I got to highschool was meeting my current best friend. She really changed my life. I’ve become somewhat of a more “open” person in some aspects. She somehow makes me feel grateful for what I have in my life. Sadly, today is not one of those days. There’s still an issue that’s been going in and off of my mind for the past year or so.
I feel like I shouldn’t be her best friend. I feel like we shouldn’t be best friends. I feel that, even though […]
My parents don’t know that I’ve become suicidal, no body does. Everybody sings out loud, I know I do, and my family knows that I’m always singing and listening to music. I’m always singing out loud or humming. So maybe they just stopped listening to me because for a while I haven’t been singing songs, I’ve been singing what I want to tell them, but don’t have the guts to actually telling them. I’ve been singing, “late at night your asleep and I’m awake, with a blade digging in my skin.” I sang that loud enough for all of them to hear, but they block […]
I’ve realized that I never truly introduced myself to the people of this site and I feel like I should explain what people see on the outside of me, rather than my extremely dark and weird mind that I see. I’m not afraid to get personal on here.
Well here goes: HELLO 🙂 lol
My name is Emily, last name doesn’t matter, I’m SO CLOSE to 19 years old. I live in the great white north of Canada, jk, It’s pretty ugly. Here’s my story, and how my life went wrong, my life started out as everyone elses did. When I was 7 years old, my […]
Do I have to spend my life trying to try? Trying to fix things? No. Wrong question. But yes, being alive is being hopeful. Hopeful? Even though life eats you up all the way from the inside before it even begins to show on the outside. I’m talking about the scars you have from letting blood, because that makes sense; you cut yourself and blood escapes the crease that separates what binds the skin together.
Nor the bags under your eyes caused from endless sleepless nights or disturbed sleep caused by misread and confounding dreams that make you want to avoid sleep, one of the only […]
I just called my insurance company… but I had a strange connection with the operator that answered. He made me feel a million times better. We were laughing and joking for like 10 minutes and he was actually a bit unprofessional and he kept saying how unprofessional he was being. It was cute. It was nice. Is it weird that I almost wanted to tell him to call me? Is it desperate? Have I reached that point where I’m desperate? lol. I’m not going to be modest, it’s not as if I can’t find a man if I want it, but it’s hard to find someone with my […]
Im so tired of all of this. Im blessed that i have a roof over my head. Im just tired of struggling in every capacity of my life. I dont have a method or else id be dead. I’m doing my best but genuinely what i really want is deaths sweet embrace. The permanent insignificance that ive lived my entire life is so all encompassing. Even here i feel alone. I feel alone everywhere. I dont belong. I felt belonging for such a short time so long ago i dont even know if it happened…. I’d give anything for a time machine or a […]
Hei! Let’s just start that I have been hospitalized basically since 16th of december( was let out beginning of march but taken in after 4 days..). I made a suicide attempt and thats how it started. They are still not sure I won’t do it again so they keep raising my antidepressants dose and keep me in hospital. But I am not depressed and actually I believe I will end with suicide anyway, regardless of my mood and wether its sooner or later. I wonder what will be done with me if I endlessly admit to being suicidal. Will I be just let out eventually […]
Ever since I could remember I have been bullied and made a social out cast not only at school but at home as well. My father is a bad man and he has since been put in jail. My older two brothers aren’t exactly model siblings, and my mum takes all her anger and frustration out on me, even though I’m not a defiant child.
So as far back as I can remember I have felt these depressing feelings and have suffered from many mental illnesses. My mother, whom does not believe in that kind of thing, has been emotionally and physicaly abusing me since I […]
Its seems everyone is having a bad time right now, I now I am, nutty is out (I really hope not for long…) I and everyone else is worried for him, I feel so low right now and yet taking my life just doesn’t seem like the thing to do.
So I will endure for nut and everyone else and for myself (not sure why¿) …but I really dont know what else to do anymore…
How is everyone by the way, I can probably assume not very well but I do want to hear from you.
Hello…
It seems I find myself at yet again another rock bottom. You know just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse it actually does, and it just keeps getting worse and worse.
I just dropped out of college because lets just say depression kind of took over. It seems my childhood events have finally caught up to me. From my step-dad who I thought was my real dad leaving me and my mom on his birthday when I was 7 to my older brother being sentenced to 15 years in prison for committing murder, things just have never been easy for me. I just lost […]