My life has never been good. I was abused as a child, it got really bad and i feel like it has caused brain damage. I find myself forgetting a lot of things i cant remember names or important information. The thoughts that i have can not be properly translated when i open my mouth to speak. I honestly sound like an idiot. I have also been sexually abused and I am told it’s not a big deal because it happens to everyone so i have to get over it, it replays in my mind every single day and that might sound like an exaggeration […]
Is this thing I’m living even worth calling a life?
Where the fuck is this thing going?
Where do I see myself 10 years?
I see myself a depressed fucked up doctor slaving it out for my family that I love so very much, and still floating around in this world not even connected with my own body, just to keep them happy.
When the fuck am I going to do something for me?
What do I want for me?
I WANT TO DIE!!
That’s what I want for myself. I don’t want this thing called life anymore. It serves no purpose for me. I find no joy whatsoever in being alive. […]
I started posting on here four years ago and I feel the same way that I did in the beginning, it’s nuts. Four years ago, I completely cracked, I try to keep it together, but it’s broken. I can’t fix it, can’t believe I’m going to live the rest of my life like this either.
It’s weekend, saturday night. It’s 10:54 pm and I’m in my room, in my bed. It’s dark and I have too many thoughts about everything. I think about where I’m in ten years, here? on this planet? alive?
I think back to the situation, when I was at school, my teacher told something about short storys. I thought about situations in my life, when I needed this informations. But i couldn’t find some.
I sit there, every day and waste my time for some stupid things like this. When I will kill myself, why should I go to school anymore? But I’m not sure if […]
Why couldn’t kill myself when I had the chance. I wouldn’t have so many painful memories and feel so out of place and suicidal. I only know my best days are ahead of me because one of those days includes dying. My life never started. I sometimes can trick myself into thinking that people I have met actually cared about me but deep down I know that is untrue. I hate that of painful memories of liars and heart thieves that all in all provided nothing but pain and trauma. I don’t matter. I don’t connect to anyone or anything. I shouldn’t even have been […]
Well, I broke the news. It’s less than welcome. I don’t have a ton of fight in me, but, I see this as literally fighting for my life. Just knowing its going to get harder makes me think why bother.
I believe I am apart of a minority of people. I suffer depression and anxiety, but I am far too caring to kill myself. I couldn’t do that to my family. I’ve tried antidepressants, they did nothing. Someone I know from school recently went into a Mental Hospital and I am angry. She is in there because 3 months ago, her friend killed himself. She knows the reason as to why she feels so bad. I have no idea why I feel like this. My life is good, better than many. I am not ungrateful nor am I selfish, but I hate being alive. I […]
I don’t really know have much of a direction for this post in my head, no horrid incident or crazy profound thoughts, just stuff that runs through my head.
Do you ever wake up and you feel so empty? Not even like sad or upset over anything in particular. You just feel like nothing at all, you just feel so tried that you don’t even know how you’re standing. That’s how I’ve been waking up a lot lately.
I feel like everyone has something they’re good at, something they’re smart about or something they have a passion for. I don’t enjoy anything, I don’t have a talent […]
There is no more reason to continue. I see no more hope.
My friends are gone.
I’m about to loose my brother.
People are out to humiliate me.
Today I lost my job, because I got angry about the abuse of equipment (they haven’t got that big a budget).
I don’t know how to continue anymore. People simply don’t care about me anymore. There’s only so much caring I can do until I need some care back, from wherever it comes. It hasn’t come for a while now.
My heart feels like it’s shredded, burned and trampled on. My life just keeps getting more and […]
My cats….
Let me tell their stories…
Top row:
1. Heidi – she was my grandma’s cat, which made me want to get a cat. She passed away a good long time before any of mine did.
2. Salem – my first baby. 3/1/98-11/5/11. She passed away from FIP.
-skipping ahead for a reason-
5. Gypsy – my 4th baby. 7/25/03-3/3/12. She passed away after eating a cat toy, having surgery to remove it, and then getting a blood infection. She was only […]
When there is nothing and no one, consume me. Be my ally, and release me from this world.
I am so tired, both literally and proverbially. I am too fragile. This is not my life.
People say my life is great. I have a girlfriend and I’m one of the best low brass players in my band. But my problems keep me from moving forward and it’s been happening for years. My strict parents who are barely tolerable are always disappointed in me even though I’ve done nothing wrong. My girlfriend has such a better life than me and I’ve always had some sort of envy. She’s my girlfriend and I love her for who she is but she’s always bragging about her lifestyle and in the end she always better than me in almost every single way. I don’t […]
So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me […]
Broken phone. Broken body. Broken life. Broken relationship. He was the one thing that was good in my life, however deep his problems were too. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but my fate won’t allow it. My body is so broken, there’s not much time.
I’ve been working a dead end job in a tiny racist town, known for being religious nutjobs, rednecks and KKK members. I could just end my story there and it would make sense, but im not done ranting.
My boss hired me under the table, so i do not pay taxes and cannot use my job on my resumee to find a new job. I pump gas 37.5 hours a week. There is no room for promotions or raises, i make minumum wage and forever will. My co-worker makes more than me, and works the exact same hours and the exact same job title. Ive been here […]
First off Im not saying that people here should be out there enjoying life, if they can great.
What I am saying is that in my mind, I have come to realize more and more that there isnt much wrong with the world, I just cant enjoy it.
There are people out there with good friends that they can connect with, or even the strangers that they meet. They can be creative and set goals, be satisfied with what they accomplish and fine with what they dont.
I dont think I can.
I am a mess of emotions and wrong thoughts. A sadist that sucks at life. If I […]
So last night i almost started crying multiple times in public, but no one noticed. i went to my old high schools band concert because i was in band so i know the majority of upperclassmen in the band. i wanted to see them perform and i missed their winter concert because of a car accident. a main reason for my going was to see him. to see the guy who made me realize someone gave a shit about me over a year ago. hes the main reason for my being alive right now and back in november i told him about my depression. hes […]
WARNING: THIS IS A VENT / RANT. NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE, JUST AIRING OUT.
Why are people so fucking pushy? Like their ideals are the only fucking way. Here’s my list of shit…
Homosexual. Hybridsexual, Antisexual, overly-sexual… I do not give 1 single iota of a fuck how, who, or where you bump uglies. Here’s an idea, keep it to yourself. Why does everyone make an issue about how it’s not an issue?
Religion. Anti-religion. Quasi-religion. Again, I don’t fucking care what you do or don’t believe in. Jesus gives your life meaning? Awesome. On a mission for Cthulhu, more power to you. If, I find it […]
I do wonder were il be in the next 5 to 10 years or what il be doing and then on the other hand I wonder if il make it that far shit my life has fell apart and still not to sure why I’m hanging around for ? Isit that question WHAT IF ? Yeah maybe or do we just fear the unknown what good can come from emotional pain apart from self harming and suffering and heart break ? I look at my scars and think why didnt I push more deeper and just bleed out months ago or swollow a bunch of […]
So, it seems he has some skinny tiny girl interested in him. She’s of course not pretty. Way too gaunt and malnourished looking, but that’s what he likes. Anorexic and underweight. She looks young and she has two babies exactly 9 months apart and I guess no baby daddies in the picture. WHY must every man want these sluts just because they’re anorexic??? I’ve accepted that I was born to be alone and never have love in my life, but it still hurts to see my dream guy getting close to someone.