I’m 19 and have a full time job as an apprentice in a good company. That’s about the only positive thing in my life. I have just moved into a new house. With my family. With my psychotic, alcoholic mother that beats me, screams at me. I’m the one that moved us in. I’m crying in my new room because she baught vodka while my dad and brother were out. I took it away and threw it away. So she beat me. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years last week because my depression has prevented me from being happy for many months […]
Tag:
my life
HEAVEN and HELL. Are they real? Does GOD exist? I was raised a Christian so all of this should be real to me with no doubt. I do believe in God. I do believe in heaven and hell. And maybe that’s why I’m so afraid? So afraid to like what I like, do what I want to do, dress how I want to dress, and be who I want to be. So much so that I’m ready to just end it all. However, being Church of Christ, if someone commits suicide the consequence is eternity in hell. So what is my way out? I have none. Other than to pretend that I like to […]
Just sitting here in school and all I can think about is cutting. I hadn’t done it in months. And then just like that my heart gets shattered and I’m back to it. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. The sharp blade, the drip of my blood, the burn after.. I’m missing her like crazy. And she hates me. She never actually cared. She told me that. Showed me, too. She used me. She’s 23 and I’m 17. My mom found out I’m gay and won’t even look at me. Got a text at work last night where she was just reminding me, “Girls […]
Ugliness Complex I’m ugly and complexed though I’m not that deep
written by deadmanliving(hopefullyhopeful)
Ive been rejected hundreds of times in person and thousands of times online. No one wants to fuck a fat ugly depressed unconfident anxious broke piece of shit. I’ll admit i no longer try to talk to women. In the same way someone who can’t play basketball stops shooting baskets after missing every shot. Socially i live in a different world than everyone else. I dont have any social networking. I dont go to bars(panic attacks and i hate liquor) i didn’t go to parties when i was younger. I havent been alive to an extent most people just dont understand. I hate this world […]
(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)
i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like […]
That’s because there is no one no one, no one, whose life will be even a tiny bit altered by my death. Not one person upset, except the people who will smell the stench from my apartment 3 weeks after I’m gone and the people who have to clear up the mess left behind and my rotting carcass. But sad? Nah. Not a soul.
I have no family left, no friends. I go months without uttering a word to anyone except perhaps the occasional post man ‘hello’ and perhaps thank you to the lady at the supermarket till.
Anyway, It’s been a while since I first posted […]
It was going really well for a while. There was a girl I loved, and she loved me back. I was happy with her. Then we broke up… She told me she had too much school work and anxiety over it, and that her mom told her to (this is 11th grade, mind you). I was completely fucked to begin with but I was okay. I thought I moved on with my life. Then, out of nowhere, she sends me a picture of her with a guy. The fucking *****. I hadn’t talked to her in a month (pretty much since the break-up). I texted […]
Hello all, first time poster here, and I know not how long I’ll be around to post again.
I was born just as any other fortunate kid – to a loving family that deeply cared for me. When I was young, and growing up, I engaged in many of the same activities a kid from my time period engaged in: television, Nintendo, sports when the weather permitted, etc. I was never abused by my parents, and only received discipline when I stepped out of line (which I deserved). I was also a bit spoiled as I grew up – my mother brought in a salary of […]
I drafted this awhile ago but then started feeling better. But my depression has re-triggered and it’s stronger than ever. The anxiety pills and antidepressants don’t work. Drinking doesn’t dull the pain, it now only intensifies it. My therapist and doctors try so hard but I see the worry in their eyes because they know they can’t reach me anymore. I’ve run out of ideas and energy, and my life feels empty and done. It’s time to post this just in case. I need MC to somehow discover the truth. If it’s meant to be, he’ll find this someday. He’ll know it’s him. He and my therapist know the story, but […]
I haven’t seen him in two months. And today, I decided “hey I need to see him” because I need a hug from him. But when I texted him asking if I can stop by to say hi, he didn’t answer. He didn’t answer. Not even a crappy made up excuse or a blunt no. Those would be better than not answering. Because then I would know what he thinks of me. But no. I don’t get a response. i would’ve taken anything but no response. Because it makes me feel like he cares about me so little that he can’t respond to a text. […]
This song is incredible the remix of this song as she says “you win” made the drop at 1:16 sound sick I am sure you all will love the vibe.
When I hear the drop as she says “you win” it makes me think of those few people who came into my life who hurt me and left scars as I tried and failed to defend myself.
For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.
SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…
Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame […]
I feel like I got confirmation today that I just don’t belong. I knew there was something wrong with me. Some hideous abnormality lurking beneath the surface. I wanted to wring the entire world in my hands – twist the planet round and round until all the pain and injustice leaked from it. I wanted to cleanse my soul of the mental torture I had allowed myself to both mete out and endure. I am my own prisoner – a hostage of a world I created to escape the hand I’ve been dealt.
I have grown up watching the world go by – observing others find […]
everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so […]
I made a decision as the clock turned midnight on new years if this year doesn’t pick up I don’t see a point in playing
this game anylonger, I might even quit sooner, Im 17 and my life is hell. I thought my life was going to pick up and finally go my way. I got a job interview, I applied for some TAFE courses and I was three weeks ahead on rent. Then christmas came around, I was kicked out and my rent returned (thankfully) I spent christmas packing, they gave me a week to leave (which Im pretty sure is against the law but whatever). I […]
Physics, Nihilism, injustice, crack, alcohol, baseball, should we really help people??? Won’t they just have a more exaggerated experience of the human condition?
by favmove
written by favmove
35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make […]
I am dying inside and still feel like dying in the literal fashion
However I have decided, I am not to take my own life, I’m going to go back to the Militia in Syria. I was happy there. I left a life I love for a woman that emotionally tortured the shit out of me for nearly a year. If I die there then so be it.
Things were going well, her parents had talked some sense into her, She got the Christmas Presents I sent (over $2k worth) my house was getting ready for sale (I am pulling it off the market in the next […]
26th of January
They said suicide is the coward’s way out.It is the one big solution to a temporary problem.But what if the problem is permanent,will suicide be an available solution?Today I’m starting my countdown,a countdown where it will all start and at the same time end.Nobody can stop me because even I cannot stop myself.So love me,care for me,stay with me,because the last days of my life will soon be a tragic end.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Does anyone remember that old song that says “I dont want to start and blasphemous rumors but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing.” Sometimes I think he was on to something.
In the past year life has been such a damn roller coaster. In Jan of last year my father had a stroke (alone in his home) and I had to put him in hospice and he died 2 weeks later. I went to his home and found where he had dragged himself around the house covered in feces […]