I went out on a first date tonight. Which means I left my bed for the first time in a week. I’m not wanting a relationship and even though the guy and I are total opposites it was nice to get out of the house and have some fun. That’s a huge step for me. I seriously haven’t put on real clothes in months and rarely leave my house. Thank god for Chinese delivery. I feel weird coming home because while I did have fun all I wanted was to be back home in my bed with the iPad. It’s my safe place and no […]
Tag:
no one
I have been planning to kill myself for a few weeks now.. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I am trying to figure out a way to ensure my mom won’t blame herself.
I don’t know what I am hoping to achieve by posting this. I have tried to tell people, I guess kind of hoping they will talk me out of it.. But nobody seems to understand. I just get the generic ‘things will get better’, ‘this will pass, you’ll grow out of it’. Well I’ve been waiting to grow out of it for years now. When do you decide to stop waiting?
Halloween used to be my favorite day of the year and the fall used to be my favorite time of year but it’s managed to be miserable every year since 2011 when my first cat was sick and dying.
But right now I feel the most horrible. I feel sick to my stomach out of pure misery, sadness, depression and loneliness. I can’t say I feel like no one gives a fuck about me because I know that no one gives a fuck about me. I’m going to end up alone and homeless just like the universe and God intended from my very conception.
I’m all alone […]
Well-qualified and unwanted.
No one needs me to exist.
Why do I exist?
I let the days go by.
Sometimes I am hopeful.
Sometimes I give up.
The result is the same.
I let the days go by.
Until one of these days…
How is it going to end? I do not know.
When I reminisce,
And measure out my past,
I see that I am unwanted.
That no one needs me.
No one wants to need me.
I am avoidable and avoided.
I count the number of years,
How long this misery has resounded.
And the one clarity arises:
I do not want this to continue.
It is the most awful and sad sound.
Well… I fucked up my first year of college, so I’m cleaning up the mess. I panicked and stopped going to class. Failed almost all of them due to lack of attendance. BUT. I start CNA classes soon. It’ll only take a couple of weeks, so I won’t have time to flip shit before it’s over and there’s no pressure to be so vastly intelligent. As long as I can take care of these people, I’m good. I know I can. I’ve been helping the CNAs that work in the same building as me for quite some time.
I feel so stupid most of the […]
Hey guys, I know its been a while since I last updated . These past few weeks have been extremely rough on me. With drama with friends and my sorority ( It is a long story!), A highly overbearing work demand from my classes, try to figure out what I’m gonna do with my future when I graduate ( Which I honestly have no clue yet!),Found out its gonna be at least 3 weeks or even longer before I can even get an appointment with my university’s counselor ( I mean seriously i know theirs like a thousand and more kids at that school but […]
so my boyfriend is on a family camping trip and thus has no signal all week, my other friend is in Iceland seeing the northern lights, everyone else thinks I’m better. I have no one to talk to when I hit that dark darkness for all of half term, stuck in my bedroom all day and night studying and trying to stay sane. so I’m just going to type here like I have verbal diarrhoea. last night I had a panic attack and was paralyzed just lying on my floor, I couldn’t even drag myself into bed. the night before that I made myself a […]
I have matured in many ways and lived a good life but it seems im back in that useless hole again… no one can get me out only myself and i need to start searching for my motivation its a jourmey that will be painful but it has to be done or else i will keep feeling like this; this sorrow this uselessness and without hope. I starting a journey again and i want to be able to break out of this again.
Hi I’m a 14 year old girl who suffers with anxiety, however I have yet to be diagnosed. I diagnosed myself because it’s really not that hard to know you have it when all you do is worry or have panic attacks. I would love to speak to my doctor but my mum just doesn’t understand anything about anxiety or depression so that’s why I keep it all in. The one thing that gets me worried is arguments with friends, I start to get paranoid that the other friends I have don’t like me either so I push them away until I have no one to […]
Life has fucked me over again, but this time it’s payback time.
First thing tomorrow, I’m getting hold of some booze and dope, heading to the train tracks and jumping in front of the first hi-speed train that comes my way. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard on the guy running the train and people who will notice, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. Call me selfish, because maybe I am… All I know is I WILL do it, whatever it takes and no matter who I hurt in the process…
I got no one to say goodbye to without getting locked away in some psych ward, […]
Pretty soon the time is coming for me to leave. I began doing things to ensure that I will lead a peaceful life ahead. I deleted all useless photos, chats and notes. I am spending the last six weeks breaking every bond I have with another human being. For all traces to be removed, and there will not be a single hint as to my existence in the light. I am not popular so no one will care when I’m gone. I don’t have friends or loved ones here so one will be sad. No party is needed because no one will attend. No goodbyes […]
So I’ve been stepped up to “Home treatment” team. Which is laughable because the situation I’m in at the moment means no one can actually visit me at home, because it would actually cause more stress and end in too many questions (can’t really explain more than that).
They’ve basically said I can meet with the home team once they call me (should be tonight or tmro) and I’ll have access to the crisis house in my city if they feel it’s needed.
I just want to die. Its getting worse.
I’ve been honest with my partner they know I’m suicidal, they’ve said I should find something to […]
Not that it matters. Things were good for a while. I was still in a really dark place, but I had found a way of coping. I could deal with the day to day shit. Now I’m breaking again and no one can catch me. No one would want to. Ya know? I’m a burden. I hate that, but it’s true. I need someone to depend on. I’m needy. I’m a burden. I’m fucking helpless. I could explain my situation, but what difference would it make? Him.. Can’t ask him for help. That’s selfish. I’m clingy. I’m needy. I’m helpless. I’m a burden. Let’s stop […]
Sorry I haven’t posted here in awhile. It’s October and the autumn leaves are falling and it’s getting cold again. I think seasonal change is bringing back a lot of the trauma from last year due to the environment being similar. I been in West Virginia for 13 months now. I’m alone, empty, and dead inside just like I was this time last year, just like I was this time 10 years ago. No one to hold, no one to share my life with, no hope for the future really.
While I’m still not suicidal, I often wonder if that post psychiatric ward hope was just […]
Someone I love nearly died a week ago from today. I had a person that I developed a friendship with the past year and a half. They helped me out a lot, and quite honestly they surprised me. But when I was in the emergency room and I called them and texted them that I needed them I got no answer. They never bothered to see how I was doing or what had happened. But they had the time to get on social media but couldn’t bother to reply to me. I almost lost someone I loved and I was alone there was no one […]
It’s been a long time since I was last here. About a year and half, to be exact. I thought I was really getting better but in the last few months, everything seems to be spiraling down again. I’ve read that it’s therapeutic to write about it, so hopefully this will help me.
In July, my boyfriend of seven months, Alex, broke up with me. He was everything I had wanted in a person and I woke up everyday with an overwhelming amount of happiness that I thought the years of suicidal thoughts and depression were finally leaving my mind.
If only I knew how wrong I […]
“A Broken Jar”
So here goes,
One last letter now. One last attempt to make sense.
Who have I been writing to? I’m not sure anymore.
What have I been trying to accomplish?
It’s a mystery, I guess. Self-made secrecy.
Things get cloudy and now all these stories and
The struggle as an undercurrent, both get blurry by the minute both get blurrier.
So, which voice is this then that I’ve been writing in? Is it my own or his?
Has there ever been a difference between them at all?
I don’t know I don’t know.
One last desperate plea. One last verse to sing.
One last laugh […]
I have felt all day like I needed to cut or do something to make me feel better, the feelings and thoughts are making me feel like I have no where to go and no one to talk to..I keep it bottled up and I keep to myself and now I am trying to make it through the day and all I want to do is hurt myself. I feel like I am pathetic and a looser. I just need someone to talk to… is there anyone out there? or am I just trapped in the dark….
Ever since middle school I’ve always wanted a bf. Almost every night I would cry because I thought no one would ever love me. When I was 18, my best friend introduce me to a guy. We started emailing each other a lot. I get really bad anxiety but that one day I decided to meet him. He picked me up, all he wanted was sex. He kept pressuring me to do it so I felt like I had to. So I lost my virginity to him. He totally left me after that. I was heart broken and sad again. I met this guy on […]
I’m sitting in my bathroom floor half crying half laughing. plus I drank vodka and i feel really sick.
So today is my birthday. And i used to love birthdays. As a kid i had a lot of friends. Now i have like 2 best friends. They suckkkkkkk
I decided for my 15th birthday to invite friends for a party. I found where mom hides her alcohol and i stole some of the drinks. Plus moms out of town so i have the house all to myself.
Everyone should have come in 9pm. It’s almost midnight. No one showed up. Not even my best friends. So i’m just […]