I want to live in a world where I don’t have to talk, don’t have to explain, don’t have to figure out topics of conversation or be up-to-date on the latest bit of gossip at work or the latest media tidbit everybody’s talking about. I want to live in a world where I can do my own thing on my own time, for myself, and not worry about how strange it looks to any onlookers. I want to live in a world where professional sports, politics and religion don’t even have words to describe them. I want to live in a world where I don’t […]
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normal
everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so […]
I dont know if its depression or or normal teenage bullshit, but i just dont give a fuck about anything anymore. I used to have good grades now theyre slipping and i have exmas coming up but zero motivation to study. All ive been doing is being usless by sleeping, crying, eating too much, and cutting. My parents are also sick of me. They expect me to be happy all the time and dont know why i never am. They were having a one-sided arguement with me today and told me that theyre ashamed of me and that they should just poison my sister and […]
“So what if you get depressed? everyone gets depressed you know. Don’t be so over dramatic”. Well, F*ck you. Don’t take depression too lightly my dear. It is one of a fucking hell. You think this is easy? NO IT’S NOT *****. You think getting depressed is normal? you think it’s just like “oh I’m sad.” then later “Oh I’m happy” ? NO IT’S NOT. You don’t know anything. You think I’m stupid for being dramatic? You think this is dumb? Wow. Just wow. I want to kill you by just saying that. Depression is savage af. Depression is hell and you can’t escape from […]
Not even here. I was contemplating sui before and sometimes I think of it. But I feel like I don’t relate anymore. I don’t know if I should even be writing this. I don’t think I should be here. But can’t rule myself out just yet. I obviously need or seek help and guidance but, maybe. Why can’t I be normal like I used to be. Just pull myself together like before. I have a hard time reading others’ posts because I don’t know if I’m going through anything other than self pity.
I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because […]
So yeah I am here, quite a things have happened, so take a seat and don’t expect this to be something too grim.
So I fought my depression, and finally won, I guess, I feel more neutral or rather “passive happy” now…Maybe with an image things would clear up: I feel like a lone wolf in his cave having food and water.
I am happy with what I have here, always water and something to eat, it is warm, and nobody is here to get on my nerves.
But this is what I have fought for in school, to never go back there.
And I broke my phone, which […]
I’m a normal person. I don’t ever do anything wrong. I mean yeah I smoke and smoke weed. I cuss and I cut, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, so why do these things always happen to me? Just… why? I haven’t done anything to these people so why does them say forget about me hurt so much? Why have I been depressed ever since that. I don’t care about that. I just don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. Why does this always happen to me?
~Kninea
I’m back. Living, and back. I thought by now I would have atleast tried to kill myself. To rid myself of the tortures of life and anxiety and depression. It’s haunts me everyday, and I don’t know how to fix myself, because I’m broken. I’m not happy, I don’t have dreams, I can’t live a normal life. I put on a fake smile at school, and pretend like I’m happy. I try to talk to new people, I try to get them to like me. But I will never be accepted. I’m weak, and broken.
I live in my room, and play the violin to keep […]
Do you ever think that maybe this life is hell? That maybe we lived a life before and we are all in hell? That our only way out is to seek redemption or go farther into the pit. I sometimes wonder if the people who commit suicide get the redemption. That we have realized that we aren’t suppose to be in this world. That we were a mistake and our only way out, our only way to get to our redemption and happiness is to kill ourselves. Because that is how I view our world. That this is hell. We were in the normal world […]
Wow. Okay thats a thing.
Ive been passive aggressively making life harder for myself.
Exploiting all my health issues, especially the issues i know plague the bloodline. Picked up cancer sticks with the goal to burn through a pack a week…hell even depleted all my finacial resources knowing id be fucked when debt collectora come knockin.
Anything, to get sick to get hurt…to be ruined and yet.
A car that shouldve totaled me narrowly misses..my doc clears me of any bad news and now somehow i have money in the bank. Not just a few dollars but enough to get by the next few months.
I just […]
I’ve been depressed since I was 7. I’m tired of always being tired, and sad, and depressed, and feeling shitty about myself, my life, just everything. I’m just a giant black ball of darkness… I’m tired of being tormented, of always being in pain. I wish I was “normal” and had a “normal” life and felt happy good feelings, instead of feeling like I’m dying all the time…
Hi all,
Me and my mom are suffering from various psychological disorders like – anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), etc.
I have learnt a lot about these diseases on the internet and at least I got some idea of how to cope with these disorders.
But my mother.. she does not have any access to the internet, nor does she have any knowledge of the disorders she is suffering from, and hence she is helpless.
I know I should talk to her regarding the disorders and comfort her. But I really don’t know where to start and most importantly, I don’t […]
whenever i try to connect with someone i fail. i don’t know why i even try. then i get pissed off, either at the other person, or myself.
people bore me or intimidate me.
either way, i end up questioning myself because i don’t know why i find it so hard to relate to people.
i’m sick of people telling me i should change though.
a psychologist i saw lately told me i need to work on my communication skills, but it’s frustrating because i am who i am. i can try to change for the better, sure, but what if it’s genetic and i’m just legitimately stupid? i can’t do […]
So I went to some fancy schmancy doctors in San Francisco to get the results back from my brain scans. He said that the over activity in my brain causing my anxiety was “horrifying” and could only imagine how bad it would’ve been without my current meds. The comparisons between my brain and those of a normal brain are startling in their differences. He’s putting me on yet another medication with supplements- I’m excited but sceptical. I’ve already tried so many meds…. But what have I got to lose? I got so desperate to cut that I took apart my eyeliner pencil sharpener 🙁 It […]
I was 7, my cousin 8yrs male, old told me that we are going to play boyfirend and girlfriend and I went with it not knowing what he would do next to me. We played for a while but then he started to play with my boobs thinking it was normal but I had a small feeling it wasn’t. At my age 9 and him at 10, we played again after that I went home and I was over hearing my parents talking about how I should know about sex and stuff cuz I had gotten my period too at that age and from that […]
I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go far away. Can I just die? There’s nothing to live for. I have people all around me but they’re not a good enough reason to make me want to stay alive. It doesn’t matter if I die right now. It would just save me the trouble since I don’t have plans for my future. The person I love the most is gone and there’s no reason to live without her. I’m thankful for the people around me since others have had it worse, but this is not what I want.
I guess I could say […]
It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m not really capable of the whole ‘human interaction’ thing. Even online.
I just can’t seem to ever talk naturally, without being incredibly self-conscious. Everything I say feels fake and contrived, even when I’m trying to be genuine. It’s like I’m not really human – just some kind of defective robot trying to copy behavior but getting it wrong.
I just need to stop being me. Stop thinking these defective thoughts. Be normal. Do normal things. Not constantly question everything. Stupid brain. Thinking dumb thoughts. You go shhh now.
The problem is me. Everything about the way I think. But how […]
Before I get into all the crazy stuffs, that’s been happening in my life… I felt like I needed to vent a little about love problems.
For some reason I’ve always had girls who were too good for me interested in me. Like these are my dream type of girls and they like me for God knows what reason, I am a really secluded and shy guy though, and I am Korean American.
Yet because of all these crazy things happening in my life that has some to do with religion, I always bottled myself out from the outside world, since I changed starting at 17 or […]
It’s something that’s just in fairytales and movies, but sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as being cursed? If there is something out there in the universe that causes some lives to be charmed, normal, whatever and some to be unfortunate.
I used to post here a long time ago. I had a plan to travel and if that went well I would give life a chance and if it didn’t then I was ready to kill myself. I had pills ordered and everything.
And things got better. Then bad again, then better, then bad again. But then things got perfect. I ripped up […]