I guess I’m back for now. I don’t think there’s anyone left here that remembers me but I need somewhere I can talk or vent and not have it ruin my life because that’s all talking seems to do lately. I hope I can be the way I used to, I hope I can learn how to listen again… I was so much better at it when I was really depressed but before I watched my friends disappear one by one knowing they weren’t just hiding… It’s been a while and I hope I can be the person I was, and honestly I would rather […]
Tag:
real
Ever since I was little I’ve always wanted to be an artist. An artist who could draw anything or anyone if I set my mind to it. I would always fantasize what It’d be like to be one of those ‘famous artists’ who people look up to (no one has ever looked up to me for anything and when people have ill tell you it’s a real honor). But it’s been years now and my art skills are starting to lack more than it ever has before.
Every time I come across an amazing drawing I start to feel angry and sad.. wondering why my art […]
I remember leaving my soul
I’d forgotten that I needed it to
Feel
But maybe when I die
I’ll just grab it real quick
And come right back
I remember losing my mind
I’d forgotten that I needed it
To think and maybe to keep me alive
I can’t believe I’vegot this far
With a head so empty
I. Remember losing my faith
I forgot I needed God like a big brother
But maybe when I die
I will die escaping
I will die returning to the fold
Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is fucking with you?
You don’t know who to trust, or who to believe.
It’s even harder when you’re paranoid to begin with.
What are you supposed to do when everyone you’ve ever
known has ended up screwing you over?
I can only think of one person in my life who has never let me down.
That person would be my father.
But then again, when push comes to shove,
he always rises to the defense of my psychotic mother over me.
He says that it’s the way it has to be.
If mental illness really is a genetic thing,
then I got it from my mother
and I […]
As I type this, I’m sitting on a beach completely alone. I have no one, in the very end I’m alone. Friends are hanging out, couples are walking the beach holding hands, how did I end up like this? What is wrong with me that I have no one? I can’t be that unlikable i hope. Is god punishing me or something?. I met a girl, long distance though, though she really don’t like me for who I am, just for what I am. Can I not find any one real? Everyone is so fucking fake. Well I better get used to it, this is […]
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I’m tired of not being able to manage my moods.
I’m sick of the fact that I have zero social skills,
and can’t really “read” people.
I’m tired of pills that don’t really fix anything.
I’m tired of not having the balls to kill myself.
(I’ve come pretty close though)
I’m tired of doctor’s who think they can heal me.
(They can’t)
I’m tired of the voices I hear, which I’m convinced are demons.
I’m tired of people not believing they’re real.
I’m sick of the fact that they’ll never stop until I’m dead.
I still believe in God.
I still think I’m going to heaven (but not certain anymore)
I sometimes don’t think […]
“Why do you cut?”
Because I can’t take the pain inside me. Physical torment is better than emotional suffering or mental burdens.
“Why do you cut?”
Because I can focus on something other than my broken spirit.
“Why do you cut?”
Because when I see myself bleed, and feel the warm blood, I know that the cold I feel is not real.
“Why do you cut?”
Because it hurts so much but I don’t want to hurt them back.
“Why do you cut?”
Because it makes me feel better.
Why do I cut, you ask.
Because this is the only way to continue this farce of living.
I’m not afraid of death anymore. The inevitable panic stage of dying is what scares me the most. I know if I swallow a bunch of pills, have my sweaty, shaky hand on the grip of a pistol pressing against my right temple, or if I decide to hang myself, those moments of waiting to die will be the absolute worst. All I know is that I need an escape, I need out, I need out of my body and my mind, need transcendence.
I’d like to think that reincarnation is real and maybe in another life I’ll be wiser and not make the same mistakes […]
Sad that I have nowhere else to vent, because no one listens to me. Hell, I hardly get a response here.
Anyway, I told a little white lie to get out of work early yesterday and hang out with the dreamboat that will never be mine. But I guess I’m lucky I can get to take out a guy like that even if it’s not exactly a date and he’ll never see me that way. -sigh- But it has its perks. I get to be out with a gorgeous guy and he gets to “feel spoiled for once.” It’s nice that we can talk openly at […]
Well, hello everybody.
Although I’m not considering myself a banana tree, as the title would suggest, I feel like I’m losing it. I’ve become obsessed with the idea of killing myself. For about 2 years now not a single day has passed without such thoughts. And I don’t know why – there’s no rational reasoning behind this, not a thing. I’ve never been a bubbling kind of gal but now it’s getting out of hand. Every now and then I experience this ridiculous feeling that could be best described as a combination of infirmity, frustration and identity disruption, causing an actual pain, as if my head was […]
I’m tired. Nobody cares, and nobody cares on here most of the time, either. Social media is shit but then again so is life. At least I pour this out. I go to bed and can only sleep now with pills. The internet is as sick a place as the real world, in fact I think it is sicker b/c peoples’ real selves pour out. Lots of toxic crazies in the world, hiding behind their masks, here they don’t have to hide. The 21st century is one barbaric age despite all of our so-called advances. Technology is being used to do things like film “revenge […]
I’m so selfish, that I even alienate people online as I do in the real world. Irony. I will admit I tried online dating, and I failed miserably. Haha what a joke I am. Can’t even get a date online. Oh the irony is killing me.
Ftw.
Hello. Idk where to start. I’ll make it short. So,long story short. I have extreme social anxiety/phobia. The worst thing is I get so sweaty whenever a girl passes by lol. I haven’t talked to a female until today more than just few seconds. I believe this is the only thing keeping me behind in everything because I don’t usually get anxiety attacks when I’m out around males.
So, I was thinking to get a female genuine true friend online who might’ve social anxiety or whatever it would be,whether depression or something else, So we could help each other in a two way street. Give […]
Even if you’re not a believer, really inspiring stuff right here
by Rotted_Flesh
written by Rotted_Flesh
Lyrics:
Maybe loneliness isn’t what I thought it was.
Because I’ve been alone a lot lately
And it’s brought upon me a new kind of sadness
And depression I’ve never felt before.
It’s comforting sadness and I don’t want to let go of it.
This newly discovered sadness is becoming my identity.
This sadness.
I went on a drive the other night and instead of writing like usual,
I just yelled every word that touched my lips.
I asked God who I was talking to
But I guess it was Him the whole time.
I don’t remember anything I said that night but I wish I did
I’m 49 – diagnosed and began treatment for depression and anxiety in my early 20s
I have 4 kids – none of my relationships worked so I am alone.
I have been on every medication there is to treat depression – nothing works very well
I don’t want to wake up anymore, been fighting this for so fucking long – my parents practically raised my kids for me – I was just not able to for the most part. I’ve failed everyone, including my Father, who died 2 years ago from cancer. I love my kids – and they’ve forgiven me, well 3 have. The 4th is estranged because […]
Everything just feels awful, nothing has a point, nothing feels real, I have not seen the point in 99.99% of the things in my life.
I wake up lonely and go to bed terrified. Complex ptsd is something nobody understands nor wants to. I hate taking meds and wondering what it will do to me. I am isolated living here yet triggered by the people around me. Lately I feel like I’m going insane. Too much rage and torment, self-blame, for years. Too much. Nobody is here. My therapist hasn’t called back, the clinic hasn’t called back, I feel like a discarded person. I left the church since nobody there cared either. The neighbors help superficially but not for friendship. I made a new friend but an old one I […]
I just had a massive fight with my family. Its my finals week and last terms finals week my dad asked me if I could stay at someone else’s house. This time I asked my dad “is your offer still valid” and he said yes. I was packing and my mother came and started screaming. She said i humiliated her in every term of my life and told me to fuck off. We are always fighting and they are always saying bad words. Okay I accept that I am a pain in the ass when it comes to school but thats too much for me. […]
I myself love to be hated! 37, have TBI from a motorcycle accident at 33. Hate coming here but I do daily to see how others are worse off than I. I thrive on booze, weed and some occasional blow. Oh and tattoos when I can afford them (disability pays shit) whatever, I do not expect anyone to give a fuck about my whoes however I sleep next to a loaded gun every night, don’t have the balls to turn it on myself but hope for a confrontation with whomever (cops preferably) for murder/suicide. Don’t expect anyone to give a shit, haven’t seen ***** […]
Dear God,
I know everyone has hard times in their life. I know people all go through different times, extents, and ways of bad. But I’m wondering why mine seems to be the worst case scenario on all accounts. I’m wondering why I can remember more bad times than good. I know there will be bad times. But there has to be good times too. I’m wondering why you took my mom away. Things seem just have gotten a different type of bad now that she’s gone. My step dad is now drinking himself to death and picking up all my moms old habits. Why […]