One of the things that’s stopping me from killing myself is the fact that I’ll be a corpse which will have to be disposed of. I know it’s stupid, but I hate the thought of being buried, but I also hate the thought of being cremated. I don’t want to be a corpse at all really, I just want to literally disappear into thin air. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much, because I know that my body’s basically just a shell of who I am, but it does. I don’t want to be a corpse and I’m not sure why I care […]
Tag:
Shame
Born missing something in your brain. That piece that makes many crave attention and affection. When these things are offered you cringe in confusion. Knowing that others readily accept them but they seem rather uncomfortable. And you force yourself to act like you enjoy them because it makes others smile. One thing does touch you. The ones who are outsiders-ostracized-cast out-victims-pariahs. Their plight awakens an inner affinity.
Then there is the violation. Inall your collected data this only happens between adults. Between husband and wife. Between girlfriend and boyfriend. Not between adult and child. Not between two males. Deep down you know that this is monumentally worse […]
Okay everyone, it’s my birthday today and I feel like crying. Today’s the day I decided I’d go through with everything and actually commit suicide, but after my last failed attempt, my parents are really keeping an eye on me. Not that they care ofcourse, they just don’t want to go through with all the shame of having to tell everyone their daughter committed suicide. Hah, I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of pain, I’m tired of not being good enough for my parents, I’m tired of getting bullied, I’m just tired. 15 years is quite a long time. Idk, I’m worthless anyways, everyone […]
I’ve been having numerous problems over the past several years (living in fear, confinement, fatigue, weakness, headaches and other physical problems) and I can’t help but pity myself over it, but I honestly don’t feel that bad about it because my life would’ve been boring without having to deal with the hardships I endured. Life is pointless, especially in this society where all it seems to be about is work and money. It’s a shame, I don’t think I could find a purpose to living even if I had the opportunity no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried. It pisses me […]
I have this friend, he’s awesome. And sometimes I actually let him in, emotionally. I don’t do that to anybody. I hide my feelings fairly well unless instigated. He’s getting fed up with my lack of concern towards myself. I wish I could just be like, “I’m really just venting, let me freak out. It’s fine, I’m not going to cut up.”. But alas here I am, getting all guilted up because I can’t change who I am. I’m completely worthless. Don’t try to tell me I’m not, I know the truth. I can’t literally remember a moment that didn’t end in guilt or shame. […]
I don’t want my esophougus to rupture. Painfully suffocating to death on my own sick, jesus.
I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, and so I eat, and sometimes I need to feel, to know I’m still alive even if it hurts, and so I eat. Then the shame of being such a fucked up, selfish, wasteful, ***** with no self-control opens up the endless black hole inside of me and I have to fill it (and empty it) again.
I don’t know if I can be helped, or even if I want it. I just know that I’m scared […]
I don’t know anymore what I want to do, what I want do be, how to be good. I’m 20, close to 21 and I am just so full of problems. Social inadept, habitual liar (to others and myself), a huge range of food allergies, a bad a student that failing all his classes, and top it all of a plain retarded asshat with problems with his sexuality. I really fucking hate myself these days, for one I’m failing all my classes and I can’t myself to anything about it, when I sit down to do the work my mind goes blank and I can’t […]
Hello Jesus
It’s been a long, long time
I hope that you still know me,
I’ve been hiding quite a while
I know that you know all things
Still, I think I should explain,
The reason I’ve been hiding
is because of all the shame.
I know that I don’t look so great
For meeting up with you
But I hope you understand
I’ve been alone since I was five.
You probably see the dirt marks
And smudges on my face
But it seems no matter how I try
Some things can’t be erased.
They say that eyes are windows
That peer into the soul.
I’m afraid to that if you look there,
You’ll find it dark and cold.
I’m not sure why it is, […]
At The end of the world, Or the last thing I see, You are, Never coming home, Never coming home….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
Damn. That song brings back so many memories. Happy-ish Memories from happier times.
Basically, I’m thinking of doing ‘it’. I don’t want to be around anymore… I’m sick of life and all it has to throw at me. It’s not going to get better like everyone keeps telling me. I want it to stop. I think… My mental health is also getting worse… I don’t want to be the crazy one. I did want to stick around for my nephews, watch them grow up… be happy with them. Looks like that isn’t going to happen. They will be ok without me. I know it. And sure, […]
This is not a judgement on anyone’s life or lifestyle.Â
I have noticed how the pro-life people always say that suicide is a selfsh act because it will hurt people who are left behind. Or maybe it will leave certain responsibilities unfinished or undone.  This is true to an extent. What they are saying is that others lives and comfort matter more than yours on all levels and you should bear suffering and responsibility for the sake of others in your life. Except for a little personal pleasure that you should seek out meaning by serving others. It is a vlaid viewpoint.
There are people all over […]
I did it. I finally screwed up and flunked out of art school. Art school! I’m a shame to my parents. It was bound to happen. Every time I try something, I fail. I hurt people. My girlfriend hurt herself and blamed it on me. Maybe I really did do it to her by being a bad boyfriend. My doctor has said my androgyny is my own fault and he can’t help. It seems like I end up taking the easy way out. Maybe it’s because I don’t have enough testosterone. I’ve disappointed a lot of people. Sometimes I don’t even try. I don’t know […]
I’m not here to preach, I’m not here to tell you everything is going to be the same as it was, I’m not here to persuade you against the decisions you have already made, but maybe just maybe I can make you feel better about things. Even if it is only temporary.
Suicidal thoughts and tendencies are not considered normal in the mental health world, but there’s 7 billion people on this planet and over half will at some point feel the way you do now. I know your eyes are starting to roll into your head and that urge to tell yourself ‘yeah this guy […]
In my whole life of 21 years, i have been a loser only throughout my life, my mom-dad loves me a lot, and i have never been able to make them happy, i just want to make them happy and give everything to them, they have sacrificed a lot for me, and i am such a loser, i could never give them what they wanted, th only thing they wanted from me to get good marks throughout my schooling and college days, which i never could, i have already wasted huge amount of money, more than $10,000 on coachings and education, now the ultimate thing […]
I’ve written about this before but I feel the need to write about it again. When I’m depressed I’m happy.
Let me explain…
Today for the first time in awhile I wasn’t depressed at all. I haven’t been on any antidepressants for two days and all of a sudden I can breathe. I’m tempted to start taking them again so I get worse. When I’m depressed people worry about me. It’s the only time I know they actually care about and love me. They take care of me so I don’t have to. I guess too that I’m so familiar with sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, hatefulness, shame, guilt […]
I started to cry myself to sleep when I was in the second grade. I was bullied, and could never really find myself with any real friends. I have always tried to be overly accommodating hoping that this would help people like me, but it doesn’t work. I am 25 and still do this, and it still doesn’t work. I am used at work. They take advantage of me because they know I will not say no. I feel like I am back in second grade. Killing myself has always felt like it will be the best thing for me. Too bad I’m more afraid […]
When I searched for this website, I was totally suffering from my depression. I never went to a consultant but I knew I was depressing.
I was living in a city that everyone has the desire to living here. A wonderful city that make me fall in love with but also drain me in the hell. Two years ago, I graduated from high school, and apply to one of the university in the city which the agent helped me to prepare it all. I got a really bad high school GPA that I was really afraid of the university would’t take me. Eventually I went to […]
Im so hurt at the moment… I lost my virginity to a 24 year old guy I’ve only known a month. Im 18, I made a promise to myself I would wait til marriage to have sex. It was important to me, it meant something. I’ve been this good girl my whole life, I rarely date. I would never do something like that, but I did…. I would barely let a boyfriend kiss me. I guess for the past year I’ve been in a spiral downfall and depression. My mom all my brothers moved, and I was left in this town. I’m still in high […]
After 2 months I thought I got rid of the awful virus that is eating me alive but I shaved my pubic area and the warts came back with a vengance. I’m in constant pain. All I want to do is sleep to escape. In my dreams I am normal again; the girl in my dreams was not date raped by a scum bag, her innocence and her healthy body are intact. But when I wake up I am diseased, damaged goods. It doesn’t matter how attractive and fit I am because I am a disease carrier. I am destined to be alone for the […]
I recently got accepted for a college course which starts next Monday but just this morning they contacted me saying there was a problem with my application and I’m no longer accepted for the course. I actually felt like my life had a point again up until now. Now its gonna be another 6 months sitting in the dark watching other people enjoy their lives. Back to the emptiness of feeling nothing but hate and shame. Oh well. Somehow I doubt I’ll be around after those 6  months. I’ve simply had enough. Also in my previous post I mentioned not being able to kill myself because of my mum. […]
If there is some positive takeaway I can give to others before I go it is this:
There is far, far too much hurt in this world. Averting your eyes, looking away, looking down, trying to ignore another human being in pain is weak. Being jaded, cold, unfeeling or taking a hard line with someone who is in pain is cowardice.
Every single day, we are confronted with people suffering whether it be sorrow from a break-up or death of a loved one or being in a place where you go hungry and are cold at night, it’s everywhere. This world, life, it’s a ************. It isn’t […]