I’m not doing well tonight. Got in a fight with my boyfriend. It wasn’t a huge fight or anything but it just left me feeling so bad. We had a nice dinner planned. Well, he did. Then one little thing I didn’t do set him off and now he’s sleeping but he made himself something to eat. It’s absolutely stupid really. He was mad because didn’t have a beer for him when he got home from work. Nevermind the fact I was on my way back from the store when he happened to get home an hour early. No use explaining. I really didn’t feel […]
I’m sorry to say that I’m here again, not that you people are bad people, but I only come here when things are getting overwhelming. I’ve been cutting again, a precursor to other self destructive behaviour; and this time it’s the nightmares. I’ve been trying to stop drinking, and it’s only causing me to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, or swinging. More so than usual, but usual had been passing out so drunk that I’m paralysed. I’m getting so tired of the new and inventive horrors my mind keeps in store to greet me in sleepy land. I just wish that […]
I always want to remember how we would walk down that trail to look at the river and how we left school a couple times just to go there. I want to remember how one time you took me to the little store by your house through the woods, and how you would cancel plans just to be with me. I want to remember when we were laying under the blankets on your bed (which we would do often) and we would just lay there in each others arms under the blankets. I want to remember how you smell, how you had that certain cologne […]
So maybe I am a loser. Maybe I am a fat disgusting thing. You think I don’t know that? You think I haven’t planned for the best course of action? You think that I haven’t realized that all the “breaks” I get are just illusions or plain dumb luck?
I know what’s in store for me, so don’t feel like you have to remind me. I’m on my way. Just wait. I’ll be there eventually.
I just got done with a sinkful of dishes. There’s laundry on the bathroom floor. There’s laundry in the dryer waiting for me. There’s some clutter in every room. My problem is I’m so easily distracted it takes me forever to get anything done…gotta pick out music, find just the right song, oh, it’s raining outside? Gotta find a different song. That counters a little dirty, hmm what’s going on at SP. Yeah. So this is just me getting all the noise out of my head.
I’m making TACOS for dinner. Over here we like to use this fajita steak in place of ground beef. It’s […]
I’ve always thought that there were two kinds of death–the simple physical death and the more difficult conceptual death.
Physical death is just that–your heart stops and your bodies functions cease completely, we all know what this is. It seems to me that physical death is typically the beginning of conceptual death and this is because the deceased person is no longer able to act as an agent that affects the physical world. The only reason that we’re ever able to become conceptual beings is because of the ways in which the world responds to us. The more we interact with it, the more it interacts with us […]
Just watched the documentary on the Golden Gate Bridge was a good documentary about suicide there was one story that stood out to me there was this one man who wanted to be a manager of a games store the day he committed suicide he got the call for the job he wanted it shows you never know what’s round the corner I hope things get better for all of us I hope soon the light will shine though the darkness I hope our path will be lit up so we can finally know where we are going
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
The way my life has turned out makes everyday a battle for me. It’s not one of those stories where I have a recognized disability and with effort I am overcoming it while people are proud. Technically I should be a fully functional human being.
I suffer from the most basic aspects of life. I can’t make simple decisions or do simple things. A trip to the grocery store is even something hard, which I avoid and end up screwing it up.
One could wonder how can you screw that up. I get confused and trapped by numbing thoughts and then I resort to negative self defeating […]
About that time to enter the 7th circle of hell. As usual, the anticipation and dread is firmly setting in. I already know what’s in store.
It’s been a nice distraction writing Triple S, I hope it brings you all some iota of entertainment. Part 3 will have to be next week.
If anyone cares, or wonders, why I’m MIA, I’m banned from outside connections while battling the Hell Beast. Most likely I’m not dead.
See ya later,
A.O.
Today as I was leaving the grocery store, a complete stranger said “Goodbye, (*my name*)!”
I nodded politely, and nicely said goodbye, realizing I had absolutely no clue who this person was. I still don’t know.
One of the drawbacks to living in a tiny town in a mostly rural county is that almost everybody seems to know everybody else.
Some people might find this comforting and cheery; I find it unsettling and creepy.
One thing I relished during my brief stays in larger cities was that absolutely nobody had any clue who I was. I was a wonderfully anonymous face in amongst the equally-nameless hordes.
It was glorious.
Here […]
I went into the store tonight and bought some sleeping pills. I’ve done this before. But tonight feels different. I want to do it. But I’m scared. But I don’t want to live anymore. You see, I was raised a Christian. Tonight, my mom found out that I like girls. Well, I’m a girl. I had to tell her due to the fact she found out I skipped work tonight.. So I was already in trouble for that….. She asked me why I skipped and I tried to explain with the usual there was drama at work, but she wouldn’t let that be all. Probably […]
Morning: I was sad and scared of taking the exams. I was feeling pressured too. And little. So I ran away.
Traffic. The driver made us go. I got some money back and walked. While walking I thought of it as a punishment for running away. But rode another ride halfway. I’m a half ass lol.
I stopped at a convenience store to get a drink. And walked home.
I took out the stuffs I bought yesterday. One of them is the cards from cardcaptor sakura. It is said it can be used for divination too. So, I arranged it. Somehow, I got motivated to do something. Like […]
I notice I start to get angry toughs whenever I have to go out, maybe it’s a reaction to prepare me to defend myself. Many times I give up leaving home, because I can’t handle people staring at me uncontrolably mad.
I tried to go anyway, everything happened as expected, couldn’t lift up my face to look at people. My eyes stuck the ground, I start sweating, and my face muscles become stiff, and i think, this never changes. Psychologists say you should keep insisting going out and facing your fears. But it never changes to me, it’s like the Murphy law “If something can go wrong […]
Hello, this is my first times me and I’m glad I found you. I can relate to so many people here after reading their post.
its 2:22am and its one of those nights where my pain won’t let me sleep and my mind is racing.
i recently left my job because I was taken for granted. I did so much there and it all went unnoticed. I am fincailly stuck! I attempted to open up a store on etsy making bday banners. To be honest I feel like it’s a completely waste of time. Nothing seems to go right, it takes me so long to do one […]
when i say that i’m tired, i don’t just mean that i’m sleepy or strained; i mean i’m overwhelmed and at serious risk of going off the deep end.
i’ve done a bunch of stuff i’m not proud of, and i guess i don’t really wanna focus on that, but needless to say i’ve been in code red for the last two or three days; i’ve called the lifeline, mostly because i don’t know if i have friends who can stay up with me while i feel this way. but i reached out to a few close friends to see if they’ll help out.
…
update, they are […]
You like Iris by the GooGooDolls, A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope, who like because he’s just so genuine, you like You’re Beautiful by James Blunt because it’s just a classic, and for anybody to not have heard it is a tragedy. You love to sail, but don’t think it’s a sport, same thing with golf except you don’t play golf. You quite pop a while ack, but when you did drink it you liked Mountain Dew the best. You sand that Italian song for choir last year because when it’s translated it means so much to you. You used to watch Supernatural […]
Can you find were the empty beer cans are? yesterday I was craving alcohol and couldn’t sleep because of it. Around 3 pm I took a shower, dressed real nice, got me a bag of water and told my aunt that I was going to take a walk. Knowing I’m an alcoholic, she didn’t bring up any questions to my surprise! I walked a mile to the store, even anxiety couldn’t stop me! I got 12 cans of bud light because they were out of the good […]
i was supposed to be dead by now but the ATF system was down so i couldn’t buy a gun then i went the next day and it was up again and i bought the gun but they didn’t have .22 bullets so i went to another store and it turns out that there is a shortage of .22 bullets in the us right now i call 10 different stores and finally find a dicks that has some in stock and i go and get them. a couple hours later i prepare for my beautiful death and take out the bullets and line them up […]
today was supposed to be my death day i was jittery and scared but i knew that something would happen to push me to where i needed to be to go through with it… and i was right! something happens every day that reminds me why i want to die. So i got my gun from bass pro shop and then i figure out they don’t have the ammo for the gun so i drive to a dicks and they don’t have it either so i go to another dicks and i finally find the right caliper bullets and i get home and i start […]
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