last time i wrote here was on my 15th birthday, probably the worst birthday ever because no one showed up to the party. There was this nice guy i think, seesmith, who really inspired me with his words- he told me to be my true self even tho it’s a painful process. So that’s what i did. I took a step back. I didn’t talk to my “friends” for three months now and no one cares how i’m doing. The people i called friends doesn’t really care. I feel really lonely. I eat nothing and sleep all day so i can avoid the loneliness. My […]
Tag:
telling
At this new job at my brother’s company, anxiety is always flaring up and up. Meeting clients is so much of a struggle because I try to leave my social anxiety and depression at home. My brother keeps on telling about the Lord and how he’ll save me et cetera
I just feel like I don’t belong and wasn’t meant to be in the first place. I can’t function like a normal human being. The boredom and repetitive mundanities of everyday life just render me powerless. Lack of confidence in self, in the world. I am generally fucked to the 100th degree.
I feel terrible for pushing him away; for the way I push and shove and keep him at a distance.
I’ve done this dozens of times. He won’t let me do it to him, he says. I laugh because they all say that.
I self-destruct. I don’t know what to do with my pain, and so I turn it back on myself. I make them leave, then I tell myself I deserved it, that it was bound to happen.
It’s been three months. Three months of calling me beautiful, inside and out. From stopping my wounds from bleeding out with his bare hands. Telling me he can handle […]
I’ve been crying, cried myself to sleep. I feel so scared, so anxious and overwhelmed. I feel emotionally drained and I don’t know how to do anything.
I’m scared I can’t function enough to be in school right now, I can’t stand another setback. But I already missed one class, and haven’t even started the homework due on thursday, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the semester without my stats professor seeing me cry (I want to try to get a recommendation from him). I don’t know how I’m going to get my homework done. I feel too scared to think clearly, […]
Hello my deceased father, are you going to help me kill him or kill me? You’re standing in front of my bed talking to me in a voice I do not understand and sounds so foreign. The image of you is so clear it’s like you have been resurrected from the dead to see me one more time, I cannot tell if I am dreaming or awake, this is so surreal. I have to say it is nice to see you again father, even if I do not know your intentions.
Peering out my bedroom window to see my expensive exercise equipment on the lawn of […]
(Assignment from one of my classes. I had five minutes to write this so it’s not my best)
I’ll never write about your
fastened locket, feather locks
hair up high and floral tops
silky skin and warm embrace
your voice your laugh your fucking face
your hands and how they’d fit with mine
your telling tales and wasted time
the tethered rope, your naked neck
I said I’d never write,
and yet-
I have things I want to do. I want to do so much. But I can’t. I have no money. No possible way to leave this place. I’m scared to talk to the one person I trust. I want to be loved. I want to be married. I want someone to like me enough to love me and to want to be with me the rest of my life. But that probably won’t happen. I need to leave this place. And I was going to try to move this year. But that won’t be possible. I don’t even have a fucking car. I’ve had so […]
I keep telling myself, “Keep trying! Don’t give up!” then seconds later I catch myself saying, “No what the fuck? Just let it be already! It’s been years!” I still live in the past.
It’s 4.15 am. Had horrible nightmares and awake since then. It’s been hours and it’s been years. I can’t sleep properly.
I won’t say all 365 days are like this. I guess, I have okayiesh days also, I won’t say good or wonderful because 2015 was the wrost year of my life.
I was a failure in 2015 at many tasks, two of them were, giving lot of happiness to my soul mate and ending this miseryful life. But I guess these two tasks can’t be completed at once. I failed lots of times at killing myself. In 2015 I was too close to finish the task […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
hi my name is Santos and this is going to be about my suicide attempts .
My first suicide attempt was August 3rd I rememberthat threw that time I was going threw major depression I would always cut myself and I would always hear how my parents thought I was worthless and my dad just that day slapped me and I got really sad and went online and read threw my ask. Fm comments and most of them were really bad some would say u have now friends u dumb fuck or others would say u look like a pig so I […]
Some of you make think I’m joking. Some of you may think im insane. But I have a story to tell. And it’s completely the truth. My personal experience. Some of you may curse me to hell. And some of you may just understand my plight. But I’m telling you now that i am not trolling you.
As a little girl, like most children, I had an imaginary friend. I would stay up at night talking to her and we would play games. She was a lot older than me, but that didn’t seem to matter because I was the only one who could see her. […]
4th Jan 2016
I’m currently having some severe symptoms of anxiety (or which I think severe, but may not be so).
Feeling low again, extremely low..
I need someone to talk to.. someone to hug. I’m not even strong enough to cry right now.
I know I should go to a doctor for the satisfaction of my mind’s queries. I cannot answer them all by myself.
What should I do? What should I do??
Panic…. Panic….
I think my life is over. My life is literally over.
I’m telling honestly, from my heart.
I feel like I cannot cope with all the problems I have. My […]
Right now, I have a ton of anxiety about having just thrown away money on Amazon. I ordered my make-at-home pain & skin cream ingredients to where I work, and like always the universe has to screw me. Since when does the post office deliver on holidays and Sundays?? So, yeah, I just got a notice that everything I ordered was left at the “front desk/reception” when there really is no front desk. There is a janitor on standby to greet people but that’s it. The bank there closed at 1pm so I don’t know if the building would even be open. So I just fucking lost […]
My parents discovered my cuts because my aunt told them when she noticed it.
I don’t know how to explain it to them. I just want to end it all. Yes, I appreciate the good things. Yes, I am aware of your love. Yes, life is beautiful. I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW. BUT I JUST REALLY REALLY HATE MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO DIE.
Why do you say it like it’s my fault that I need to say sorry? Why do you say it like you’re the victim? Because you were hurt? That the pain on your back is coming back because of my cutting habit? Why […]
Im working as a temp and have been for a couple of months. I may have had a chance to get hired on but i just no call no showed now i may be jobless. I kept calling the temp and company the past few days to see if i had to work with no answer with either. Now someone is telling me i did have to work and idk what to do. There is a dam 10 minutes away i can always jump. Im soooooo tired of always fucking up my life. My plan was to just go but i overslept woke up hella […]
Wow. Seems like I’ll be spending New Years Eve on my own after a huge fight with my mom. A moment ago I wished that I would just fall asleep in a minute and never wake up anymore, and I still sort of do. I don’t want 2016. Everyone is telling me to be happy because 2016 is starting. It is just a year like normal. And I don’t believe that it will get better. Shit is still going on. In the last few weeks more shit has been going on than in the rest of 2015 and that shit is not going to stop. […]
This is embarrassing for me. I feel weak and pathetic and I have never shared these feelings with anyone (except for my boyfriend a long time ago who says I need to stop being so dramatic) I don’t have any real friends and have a difficult time getting close to people. My ex of seven years left me right after I had our twins. I haven’t seen him since they were born. I am a failure as a mother, too impatient and stressed. I get no break from parenting besides work, which fails miserably at supporting me and the kids. I am disgusted by my […]
Today im telling my sister that i need help. Im 22 all my life i thought shit would be okay but its not. Mu battle with depression has caused lots of cuts covering my arms and legs and 3 suicide attempts. Im losing. Medicine just didnt cut it. Life always seem to fuck me over in new ways. Nothingd never okay. So this is my last stand. Hopefully i can get the help i need. Wish me luck.
I feel bad for telling people how I feel . Most say that I am too much , and that they cannot handle it .
God I wish I just had someone to sit with me and that would let me lay in their lap and cry .
I can’t even talk about my suicidal thoughts and it kills me .
I wish I could leave this life, I just want to see things more beautifully .
I want to wake up and see the sun and trees and birds outside and feel happy to be alive . I’d rather sleep , and that’s all the energy I have […]