I see myself driving to the bridge. I see myself popping some pills and driving. it’s the middle of the night and its pitch black outside. I reach the halfway point in the bridge, I slow down and pull over. I have my backpack neatly prepared on the passenger seat. I leave it there to be found. Inside is my cell phone and my journals. its so clear and I am calm. I exit my car and head to the rail. I climb over take one last breath and fall backwards into the water. These thoughts make me feel free. The urge is getting stronger […]
Tag:
Urge
well here i am, high sitting here alone. thinking. thinking about the status of my marriage, thinking about life and death. thinking can life really get better for me after all these years? you said that you weren’t going to give up. i assume you were implying i shouldn’t either. that of course depends on who wins the ongoing battle in my head. the rational me knows that killing myself isn’t right. but that isn’t the problem. its the pro-death voice in my head who has been the chatty one these last few months. she knows which buttons to push. she increasingly doesn’t care about […]
people just think im so strong, and never do anything wrong…well there WRONG!!! im so weak and cant even keep my control not to cut when I have an urge. obviously no one knows im sitting here with the blades right in front of me. expecting that at any moment I will give in and the pain will start. I need it soooo bad. you guys on here get it, I feel like no one else does. well heres the time… here I go.
Last week I had a nightmare about killing myself. Seemed like strangle was the best option. I saw in my dream how I put a tie-wrap on my neck and how I tighted it. When I woke up, it felt like my neck was pinched. I couldn’t breathe well and swallow was also difficult. I haven’t told anyone about my dream. The whole week I was thinking about committing suicide and I really had the urge to do it. Also I had the urge to strangle myself. Last week I had several times that I had that urge and that I wrapped my hands around […]
I guess I just need to write something. I’ve tried killing myself already but it didn’t work and I haven’t tried again since because it’s nearly time for finals and I don’t want to distract the person who stopped me. She still has a brilliant future waiting for her and I shouldn’t get in the way of that.
This morning is just harder than most. I felt good since Thursday but all of that is gone again. I woke up and just started crying while cursing myself for being such a useless idiot. I guess I knew it was just a matter of time before I […]
I finally decided after almost a year to seek some help again. The doctor had a cancellation and was able to bump me up for today rather than two weeks from now. While talking i realized that I can’t open up. I’m always vague when i try leaving the doctor to be vague as well which only pisses me off. Why do I expect the impossible of others to see that I am dying inside? Either dying or slowly going insane. I can’t be left alone anymore. Every time I’m alone the worst comes out. I lose all sense of reality which drives me insane […]
Im trying hard to be the best person i can be but my thoughts are elsewere.Elsewere as in on suicide.I dont even have a good reason for wanting die.But i cant stop thinking about dying.i want my thoughts to quiet down.So i dont have to keep doing this.But right now i have this urge that just keeps saying do it.do it..Its not voices rather a feeling.Its night here so im especially tempted to drink the bottle of pine sol.I dont think im going too.But its very hard not to at the same time.My therapist is threatening to lock me away somewere permenately if i […]
My mind is racing and I feel out of control. All I think about is hurting myself. I’m scared. I have never felt this severe urge to bleed. I can’t do this. I’m crazy and alone. I’m going to die soon and nobody will notice if they do it will be relief  that I’m gone. I’m at the end. This is it. There’s no more light only darkness
right now the urge to ace myself is strong. i don’t really know why. these urges come and go. for the most part i just ride them out. not now i say. time isn’t right. like there is a “right” time to die. there are things that need to be taken care of. loose ends tied up. careful consideration is called for. i have selected a few days next month. chances are those days will mean nothing. i am stubborn till the end. MY time schedule. not depression’s. so i am supposed to try being sober for x amount of days. to try to get […]
I feel like everywhere, every day I’m constantly being lied about how much others care for me being alive. Deep down no one really cares what happens to me. It’s all a lie. Everyone is a hypocrite. They act as they care because they’ve been taught to do so. I feel like no one can help me or more like no one wants to do anything. I know I shouldn’t expect others to do what I can’t do for myself, but it would just be easier if people would support the only options I have left. I want to die.
No one is there for me […]
well now there is more drama in my pathetic loser life. we have to come up with a rather large chunk of change by next monday-tax day! and it is basically my fault. silly me i didn’t think the feds could possibly want more from my paltry income. boy was i wrong!! i will never hear the end of that. and then my husband’s drinking buddy wants to do an “intervention” with him this weekend about his drinking. won’t that just be a barrel of laughs? it means nothing when the nagging wife complains . maybe it will mean something when a friend says something. […]
This is my second post now that I’ve started talking about suicide, I know its only been like a day since I started posting but I wish that I could feel like this was helping me, the urge to cut is so overwhelming but I’m trying to be strong. The reason I’m posting now is cause I’m trying to find a way to tell my off and on boyfriend that I’ve been trying to kill myself. I’m scarred that either he will freak and tell my parents or leave me permanently without even trying to understand, and maybe I want that, to have something physical […]
I have been cutting since my 7th grade year. I don’t really know why I started  or what caused me to feel cutting was a good way out. All I know is that I used cutting as an escape for my pain which then turned to an addicting habit. A girl I knew, Raiyanne used to put small razor blades in her compact mirror and cut whenever she needed a release at school. I don’t know why I decided to cut but that became my way of doing it. My wrists are scarred up so bad from cutting that I’m not even sure how I […]
Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a […]
I haven’t cut in a few weeks. The urge to start cutting again is eating at me. I can’t stop thinking about those razors and knives. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so many different things, but none of the alternative methods are working. I’m tired of trying, I just want to give in to the urge.
So I have been fighting the urge to kill myself off and on for about 15 years now. Sometimes I lost and attempted suicide. So far I have tried twice, once when I was uncertain so it was a far cry from a real attempt, and once when I would have died had my neighbour not have found me. Problem is, I really do want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. I keep praying not to wake up and find myself full of rage when I wake up in the morning. I am so angry and depressed. I feel stuck, literally, we […]
so when I was 9 I started getting bullied really badly I eventually only had two friends and that was that, all I had on my schedule was crying, being bullied, and crying. then when I was 10 i thought things were getting better but they just4 got worse, my grandma started dying and I loved her dearly. and i missed a few days of school cause i was at the hospital with her. people started to leave me alone a bit and I even started to get more friends. but that didn’t last long. in 5th grade this girl came to my school […]
There seems to be a common theme when I get messages or responses from people on some of my posts. I would like to address those now.
1. “Time will heal”(or any variation of that): My answer is this, it has been over 10 years for me. I hurt like it is day 1. My heart has not healed, in fact, it is very much an open, gaping wound. Every where I go I see her. I feel her, I sense her… it isn’t going away. Time is only making it harder on me. If it was getting better, if I was truly on the path […]
If you’re reading this you’re probably in some type of pain… You may be having a bad day, you may have self harmed, you may have skipped a meal or thrown one up, you may have made some horrible mistakes today, but guess what?? Â You’re still alive & I’m so proud of you for that. I guarantee suicide went through your head at least once today but you had the strength to overcome the urge… that’s amazing. You’re amazing. If no one can be proud of you for that, think of me. A complete stranger who couldn’t be happier that you’re alive. We all make […]
Beautiful…you’d think she’d have no problems.
Yet she found me on facebook…and blast my soul, I almost missed her message because it was in the “other” part of my inbox.
She then told me how she had seen my post on sp and decided to read my others..and that she enjoyed my writing and that, most importantly to me, I was an inspiration to her..to HER..to anyone. She signed her message “Just a stranger passing through”..for she thought it was weird to write me though she didnt know me.
I replied as quickly as I could, letting idiotic words and sentences tumble across my keyboard but […]