It’s a new year but somehow old feelings have returned. I am truly unhappy with my life, I want to die again. I feel such disappointment and disgust with myself and I want to hurt again. I’m tired and I feel purposeless I’d rather just die and burn in hell. I’m fucked up and I always will be and this world will always be a fucked up place. I’m just tired so very tired of trying I just want to give up…
I wanted to cut, I actually considered it. I’m suppose to be continuing to get better and instead I am just falling back into this depressed state. I feel like a complete failure and the one person I want to talk to this about I just can’t. I feel like he will finally see me for the failure that I am and I’m not ready for that. I cry a lot and honestly death is so much more welcoming now and thats such an awful thing. I worked so hard to better myself just to end up right back here again.
I compare where I am at now to where I was before and it is night and day. Before every time I would get upset I would end up wanting to just die. I would be so overwhelmed with emotions that suicide was the best escape. I remember taking so many sleeping pills and pain pills. I could feel myself slip away and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or if my heart was beating. I did this countless times and I would always wake up to my body forcing me to throw up. I turned to cutting and each cut I made gave […]
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back but I refused to accept that. To me the issues that plagued me were controllable. Medicine wasn’t a solution but rather hard work and effort was. I took meds for awhile and I remember feeling like I couldn’t react emotionally. I was seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly and I don’t feel like it really helped me. I felt like I was better like I was just in a bipolar situation not that I was bipolar. In my mind there was nothing wrong with me, I didn’t need or want to be fixed. But […]
I thought that I was happier, that the issues that plagued me had been healing this whole time. I threw myself into my education into building a future and I hardly ever had any time off. I graduated with a bachelors of science and I am done with my education it is summer break for me. I have had a week off and I’ve had so much free time that it is insane. With all this time I have come to realize that I didn’t get happier, I haven’t been healing, if just been too occupied to focus on the depression. I’m worried that I […]
3 years ago I was heart broken and sad beyond all reason. I threw myself into school and got lost in trying to be successful. I worked harder than I ever have and in 4 days I will finally be graduating with a bachelors of science. I made it, can you believe it?! Me!! I did this, I’m going to be starting a career soon. I feel relief and joy because this was the ultimate goal and I have accomplished it. Everything is different now in comparison to how it once was and yet deep down I still feel the same. I don’t have anyone […]
I watched the show and if you aren’t familiar with it, it is about a girl who commits suicide and her story of why. I have had dozens and dozens of reasons over my life time and I’ve attempted suicide in the most ineffective ways. I’m glad I didn’t die I’m glad that I no longer cut but the truth is the pain, and life, it still sucks I just no longer react to it with wanting to hurt myself or ending my life. I figure I suffer enough as it is I should at the very least be kind to myself. I talk to […]
Exactly a year ago today my aunt died, she left this world and me behind in it. I feel mixed feelings because for one she isn’t suffering on this other but she’s also not here for me to laugh with or hold. She was amazing and was always positive with me I was her princess her favorite niece. She isn’t here anymore and I still don’t believe it somehow it still feels like a bad dream. She was still so young and it was so unexpected and I miss her every single day. And my younger cousin who was like a sister to me got […]
It doesn’t feel normal to be ok. So I guess I find negative things to focus on and I let them consume my life. Like the fact that I was suppose to complete a math course over the summer and I have yet to finish the final chapter of work, and I’m not sure if I am going to need to take a final exam. And I have to sign up and take my official certification exam which to be honest should have already been done. Then I need to take a practice exam by march. And take the official exam for that by april […]
You were the only person I didn’t hesitate to trust, to love and to let in. It felt natural almost like breathing I didn’t even think about it. It has been a hard life for me and for years I felt sorry for myself. Why me? I realized that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. So I suffered not because I didn’t deserve happiness but because I wasn’t ready. I realized that I was the only one that could save myself, I had to really want it. Truth be told I didn’t I wanted to disappear more than anything, I craved […]
Back on the spring of 2014 my whole life felt like it had just fallen apart. There was so much pain and I was so sad. Yet I wish I could go back to that time and relive it all. The time when I was ambitious and I worked hard in school. When I had a really good friend by my side. For some reason I feel like it was a better time I had more drive. Now I slug through things and I drag my feet I feel like I don’t have the energy to want to do anything. I am afraid of relationships, […]
Things are different this time and I’m over a lot of things. Like this guy who claimed we were friends and insisted he wanted to be in my life. The past 2 weeks he hasn’t even bothered to talk to me nor I him. That isn’t friendship, I stupidly believed him and now I don’t. Now I see the reality and I don’t want him back I hope he stays away and never comes back. I was in a toxic situation since august and it was abusive and just negative in every single way. Now I am free and in a more positive situation but […]
The kind of tired that no amount of sleep can cure. I feel like I’m a joke to everyone around me and I hate feeling like that. I try so hard not to let the world make me a cold hearted cruel person. The truth is I’m getting real tired and I feel like why am I trying so hard? No one ever gives me the same care, understanding, love or effort I give them so why can’t I just quit? Why can’t I just say fuck it and let everything go?! I’m sorry really I am but I’m exhausted caring is too much. This […]
I’m pretty outspoken and blunt, it just happens. But I want to be honest with myself because I don’t feel like I really have.
I had one relationship my whole life and when it ended it broke me. That was about 2 years ago and it’s been a difficult time recovering. I’ve told myself over and over again that he became a horrible person that I never really loved him that I was attached and afraid of being alone. And while those things are to an extent true I did still love him, truly I did. I have a horrible family that says and does some […]
At one point in my life I swore I was in love. It consumed me I sacrificed myself entirely, nothing mattered but him. Its only been 2 years, but when I look back it feels like it was a life time ago. It feels unreal like some dream I had that I’m struggling to remember. Now that I think about it I tell myself I never loved him I felt manipulated, I was scared of being alone so I stayed I dealt with all of it. But not for love but rather fear or attachment. And yet in every guy I’ve met after I find […]
The fact that I allowed myself to fall right back down in this hole again or the fact that this time i don’t have anything holding me back from the darkness. Life has stretched me so thin that I have nothing left. I don’t want to be here I have no future like I’m miserable why bother to be alive anymore? I am so tired of trying twice as hard to be happy it shouldn’t have to be this huge battle to be happy to be ok even. Like I want to go we all die anyways and I’m just a nobody. There’s no one […]
To see such a wonderful person whom has been through so much continue to be hopeful. I see the battle she goes through refusing to let the negative things in her life change her into a cold person. Sometimes it overcomes her and she’s mean and cold but then she catches herself and stops. I can see the love and care she has in her, that kindness that she is so ashamed of. I see how she gives it all away to those around her, I see some of the most undeserving people take it from her. I see them use her and treat her […]
To love myself and yet I easily give my love and care to others without hesitation. BUT I can’t give that to myself, I have to force myself to be better and kinder with myself. I deserve all of this and more and I can’t for the life of me understand why. I have a kind heart and I don’t ever intentionally try to be malicious. I care about others a lot and despite all the bad I’ve been through I refuse to let it change me. And for some reason I treat myself so poorly like I’m undeserving of kindness, love and hope.
There was a time when I swore I was truly and completely in love with the guy who was my best friend. He was smart and funny and all these great things. At some point in our relationship he started to belittle me and say how dumb I was in comparison to him how unsuccessful I was compared to him. He was a math teacher and math was my worst subject ever. And yet I chose to study to be just that I am majoring in education with a minor in mathematics and I’ll be graduating in may. I have been teaching math and I’m […]
I thought that I had this great job and finally things were getting better for me. But this wonderful job turned into a nightmare. I worked with selfish horrible people that were extremely unfair. I was asked to cover a position while they hired someone this was back in may. They never hired anyone and I’ve had to work 8 hour shifts and 13 hour shifts with no lunch break. I worked 13 hour shifts for a month straight and I had reached my limit. I spoke to my boss and let her know that I was unable to cover the position and she said […]