beautifulsinner

Hey SP. I’ve been on this site for the worst part of the last 9 years. Does it get better? Have I had good moments? Yeah, I’ve had great moments. But the lows are so low, I’ll admit, it’s hard to stay positive sometimes. I lost my dad a month ago… and took less than a week off of school for it… I’m not okay. My dad and I had a complicated relationship, but beyond it all, we were very close. I’m having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here. Is there even a light? Who knows. I’m grasping […]

I can feel the depression creeping back in and quite frankly, I am scared. I’m scared of myself, I’m scared of what I’m capable of doing. When I get depressed, my intrusive thoughts win. I don’t have the energy to fight them off when I’m depressed. After my 6th hospitalization in October, I told myself that it would be my last one, but I’m not so sure anymore. It’s been a battle, an uphill one at that.

I’m sad that this is the way things are. I have everything going for me – an engineering degree in progress, a nice car, a beautiful home… I […]

Hey SP, it’s me again. I have been on and off this website for the worst part of 6 years. I’ve tried everything, medication, therapy, mindfulness, everything. But yet, I always end back in the same place. I’ve exhausted my options. The doctors don’t know what to do with me. Fuck, I don’t even know what to do with me. I’ve been working on the same degree for what feels like forever. But between the suicide attempts and my highs and lows, it makes school tough. It makes holding down a job tough. I have an endless amount of support from my family and friends, […]

Hey suicide project, its me again. I have been on and off of this website for the worst part of 5 years and every time i think “ah that will be my last post” i always end up coming back. You see, problems never seem to go away and my bipolar never seems to let them go away. A small insignificant problem can really manifest itself in my life where my mental illness and poor coping habits seem to come back with a vengeance.

So lets get into todays problem, shall we? Well you see I am heartbroken, like heart ripped out of my chest […]

I’m manic. I’m stressed. I’m letting toxic people back into my life. I’m living my best-worst life. Self sabotage is my speciality I think. I love to hurt myself in the best way possible. I let those toxic people hurt me and I let those toxic people walk on me. I get myself into situations where I know I’ll get hurt. And I love to do this to myself. I guess you could say it’s a painful pleasure. I don’t give a single fuck what others say, I do it anyways. It’s like everyone can scream at me “no” and I’ll keep going. And I […]

If I could describe my emotions in one word it would be numb. I am numb. If I’m not numb I’m angry, or sad. I drink to drown these feelings out. I’m aware getting drunk alone isn’t healthy, especially when I have work in the morning. I want to feel something. Happiness, joy, love, but most importantly, happiness. All I feel is numbness right now coupled with darkness. A darkness that I cannot explain. One that creeps up and does what it wants to my brain. Help me. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to attempt again, I don’t want to […]

I’m numb. I really don’t feel much and I am constantly thinking of ways to die. All the time. All the fucking time. But what’s stopping me? Lots is actually. But I know that won’t last long. I know it’ll get worse and that I’ll try and kill myself again. I know it. It’s been like this for the last 4 years. I don’t know if I have the strength to break the pattern. I really don’t. Give me something tangible to hold onto. Give me something real. Give me something that will actually stop me this time.

You see, that’s the thing. You’ll always be there for your friends when they need you, but where are they when you need them? I mean, they might be there temporarily, but then one by one they disappear. Just one, by, one. I feel myself slipping again, like I always do in the fall. I have no motivation, I’m coping unhealthily and I just sort of feel numb. I want to feel something. I have a lot of love to give the world but no one to give it to. And that’s the thing.

Cheers! Tomorrow is my birthday. Every year for years now I never thought I’d make it another year older. But here I am. Unhappy and still wishing I was dead.

Cheers!

I love having BPD. I love it so much, those abandonment issues. Those rocky relationships. Whenever feelings go south I keep thinking about suicide, I don’t know how to cope normally. I don’t know how to not think about killing my self when I feel negative emotion. I broke up with my boyfriend today and now I feel like dying. This isn’t normal I know. And I’m not going to tell him how I feel. Because that is Unfair to him. But I want someone to know this is how I feel. I’ll never be someone’s number 1

i failed. i failed my suicide attempt. no i do not regret attempting. i regret not being more strategical so i would have died. after 5 weeks spent in the psych ward and majority of my friends gone, im lost. i feel lost and empty

And so here I sit, alone, on my bed, in nothing but a towel. All of my lithium pills counted and laying out in front of me. Unsure whether I should end it all tonight, or just hang in there a little bit longer

isn’t it funny how mental health works. all of sudden you’re fine and then all of sudden you’re not. its funny how what works for some people wont necessarily work for you. its funny how i somehow am stuck in that pit of emptiness and no matter what people try and tell me or try to help me nothing works. ive been on almost every mood stabilizer there is. ive tired anti depressants, ive tried CBT, ive tried DBT. ive tried it all.

yet im still empty

ive lost the motivation to care about myself. ive tred to get better for long yet here i […]

Relapse. a simple 7 letter word that i seem to know all too well. i got locked up again for trying to kill myself after a year of doing well, of thinking shit does get better. but it doesnt and i suppose i should have known that. im out now, doing better, but wishing that i did end up dead. life fucking sucks and although im not actively suicidal, i wish i died. i wish the pills killed me. i wish they didnt save me. i want nothing more right now than to slit my arms and bleed all the pain and frustration out, but […]

after spending two months in the psych ward last year after attempting to kill myself, i thought that maybe hope isnt so false after all. i saw a little glimmer of it in the midst of my recovery. fast forward to this year, when i thought to myself, this is what being on the brink of relapse feels like, to actually let the thought of suicide cross your mind again. it was raining outside, and it was late at night, so i put on all black and went for a walk in the woods in the dark, sobbing, trying to justify why i shouldnt try […]

its day in day out, rinse wash repeat. i go through the motions, slightly numb inside. sometimes i feel a little bit, just the slightest bit of emotion to remind me that im alive and breathing.

i dont know why i do this to myself. why i let myself suffer this way. theres people around me that are trying to help me and care about me.. but the sad part is i just hate letting them down. i hate seeing them care for someone who doesnt even are about themselves. im not quite suicidal yet… but im getting there.. i can feel myself slipping away.. […]

here we go again… after making so much progress and learning so much about myself as an individual.. im somehow back again. im on a path of self destruction, and oh how good it feels to be able to destroy myself on my own terms.

im pretty damn sure im bipolar. Well over a year ago i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but things have been changing.. and well for the worse. i wouldn’t say im suicidal exactly, but im on this path of self destruction where i just dont give a fuck. im putting myself in dangerous situations and i think its funny because […]

It’s been a while since I’ve been in here hasn’t it eh? I guess the saying it won’t last forever really is true, cause here I was actually thinking I was getting better. Oh boy was I wrong.

Happy happy oh how happy I was. Right? No. Not happy. Anxious and depressed, it’s all just an act. The meds help me feel the best I’ve ever felt, and help my lows become manageable, but here I am feeling myself slipping away again.

It’s been three days worth of tears for me. Three days worth of panic. Now I’m not going to say I’d kill myself over […]

So here I am. Unable to sleep (I mean what else is new) and alone with my racing thoughts. In about an hour, it will be midnight. It will be my ex boyfriends birthday. I sent him a card in the mail yesterday, with a very kind message in it, but now that I’m thinking about it, I regret it so much.
All I ever do is let people walk over me. I let them treat me like shit, I let them use me, I let them do whatever the fuck they want cause I’m such a pushover. For that last month my boyfriend and […]