Author

evildandelions

Frustrated.

by evildandelions 4/3/2016

written by evildandelions

These are all the (non-medication) “treatments” I’ve been told will help me feel less depressed in the last decade:

Exercise. Okay, yes, exercise is good for everyone. But I became depressed when I was running 15 miles a week and I’ve never seen any difference in my depression from periods of time where I was exercising regularly or wasn’t. I believe it can help with anxiety, at least to an extent, but I personally haven’t felt any effect yet. This is something I’ll continue to do regardless (I would like to run a 5k again), and maybe over a longer period of time I’ll notice a […]

4/3/2016 4 comments

awful

by evildandelions 4/1/2016

written by evildandelions

Yesterday I woke up sad and crying. Two hours later my period started. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, where my period coincides with a drastic turn in mood. Maybe birth control would help?

I spent so much of yesterday crying, just hurting so much. And today’s been pretty much the same, except I’m alone in the house. I tried to do the things that are supposed to help; I meditated (have been somewhat regularly), I did some exercise, I’ve tried to distract myself, forced myself to do some chores and some homework. But it doesn’t go away or lessen. It hurts so much.

It hurts […]

4/1/2016 2 comments

feeling depressed again

by evildandelions 2/28/2016

written by evildandelions

Feeling depressed sad, not grieving sad. At least it feels like it, like I’d be feeling this way (mostly) even if my fiance and I were still together.

I do feel like I’ve sort of accepted she’s gone and what’s happened, maybe. But it feels like my life is just a cycle of loss and tragedy on top of unrelenting depression and anxiety. The only reprieve I’ve had was when I was with my fiance/girlfriend. Our first year together is probably the happiest I can remember ever being- not only was I in love with an amazing woman who loved me back, but right before we […]

2/28/2016 9 comments

better, not better

by evildandelions 2/9/2016

written by evildandelions

Sometimes I feel like my depression is better, that this is just grief and anxiety. But even if it is, it doesn’t feel any easier. Maybe I can enjoy things more, sort of- I was able to paint this weekend- but on the other hand I can’t seem to write creatively. I had a short story due and for the first time since junior year of high school (about a decade ago), I missed a writing deadline. It was just like my brain wasn’t there. And while I can blame anxiety for my procrastination on my math homework, I can’t on the writing. Not fully. I […]

2/9/2016 2 comments

not functioning enough

by evildandelions 2/4/2016

written by evildandelions

I’m (supposedly) feeling less depressed. And yet why can’t I function any better? For the first time ever I’m late with turning in a (creative) writing assignment. I’m so embarrassed and even more stressed/anxious in that I don’t even know how I’ll get it done. I’m a good writer, but I just haven’t felt creative since my fiance and I broke up. Maybe painting I could do, but words and plot require thinking. I can write a beginning, even a beginning I like, but then I’m stuck. The only piece I wrote a significant amount of words to I now hate because of the direction […]

2/4/2016 0 comment

overwhelmed

by evildandelions 1/26/2016

written by evildandelions

I’ve been crying, cried myself to sleep. I feel so scared, so anxious and overwhelmed. I feel emotionally drained and I don’t know how to do anything.

I’m scared I can’t function enough to be in school right now, I can’t stand another setback. But I already missed one class, and haven’t even started the homework due on thursday, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the semester without my stats professor seeing me cry (I want to try to get a recommendation from him). I don’t know how I’m going to get my homework done. I feel too scared to think clearly, […]

1/26/2016 4 comments

mornings

by evildandelions 1/25/2016

written by evildandelions

Mornings seem to be the worst.

At any rate I’m feeling upset, angry? that not just that my ex gave up on us, but that she (probably, I might be simply imagining that she feels that way) believes she had no choice. That there was no chance for us. That we (she?) wasn’t healthy enough.

I don’t believe this at all. I do not believe my being depressed and anxious means I can’t be in a relationship, or have a healthy one. My ex and I had this one issue, serious enough for her to leave me, but- even she said this- we were amazing in every other […]

1/25/2016 2 comments

something

by evildandelions 1/23/2016

written by evildandelions

Sometimes it feels like I’m coping, maybe even okay.

Then I’m back to anxious and sad and missing my ex so much my chest hurts. I want her to be missing me. She probably is, but it doesn’t feel like it. At one point she’d said she was planning to contact me a few months after the breakup, because she missed me so much and still wanted me in her life. I think all that’s over. She wasn’t planning to leave the state then. Now she has. Maybe she’ll come back, but…

I feel like she’s done with me.

I feel like I’m the one who has lost […]

1/23/2016 3 comments

Confused

by evildandelions 1/20/2016

written by evildandelions

I got my dog back.

At least I think so. My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom. I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.

I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her. It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right? Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at […]

1/20/2016 4 comments

less depressed, but still hate my life

by evildandelions 1/18/2016

written by evildandelions

I feel better (?) but I still hate my life. Why is it that I had a good life (for the last 3 years anyway) when depressed, but have a life I hate while less depressed? I wish my ex had the chance to know me like this, that I had a chance to feel less depressed and be happy with my life at the same time, even if it wasn’t for long. If only I had gotten treatment, real treatment, sooner- everything would be so different.

I am so lonely without my ex. I don’t feel like I’ll ever meet someone I love as much as her […]

1/18/2016 1 comment

Lonely

by evildandelions 1/17/2016

written by evildandelions

It’s like periodic anxiety attacks where my chest aches every time the shock of her absence, the pain of missing our life together, hits me.

I may feel less depressed because of the TMS (or possibly the the treatment for PCOS), but I still feel useless. Classes start this week and I don’t think I know how to be human again yet.

1/17/2016 2 comments

Regret

by evildandelions 1/11/2016

written by evildandelions

The regret and sadness is really hard today (and most days). Things could be so different, better- maybe not good, but better.

As it is, I may never see my ex again. She’s my best friend, despite everything that’s happened, still the best relationship I’ve ever had. I can only hope that after some time she might be willing to speak to me. It’s so painful to think that if I had just left things alone, if I hadn’t forced her to speak to me, then we might’ve actually started talking again in February.

And I still would’ve had my dog, my baby. This hurts so much. […]

1/11/2016 0 comment

All my fault

by evildandelions 1/10/2016

written by evildandelions

If I had left my ex alone and hadn’t tried to forced her to give me an explanation of why she left me, forcing her to see me, then she might still live in the same state. Might go to the same school. She had said she was going to contact me in two months because she missed me so much. We might’ve been friends.

If I hadn’t had wanted to be back with her so desperately, if I hadn’t acted so desperate by fleeing my parent’s house and going back to our old apartment after saying suicidal implications, I’d still have my dog back. All I […]

1/10/2016 1 comment

She took the dog

by evildandelions 1/8/2016

written by evildandelions

I’m grieving all over again, losing that dog.

She had given her to me originally, when she left me, but then this weekend happened. I went crazy and my dad gave the dog back to her, afraid I wasn’t coming back.

And now she’s keeping her. Says the two dogs have rebonded, even though when she gave her to me, she said they’d both adapt and be happy. And she was happy with me and my parents. She loved running up and down the stairs.

I feel like this is just cruel. She knows how much the dog means to me. She’s said herself that she’s like my […]

1/8/2016 6 comments

my Crazy

by evildandelions 1/5/2016

written by evildandelions

I don’t even know how to describe this past weekend. I was sorta suicidal, but more really I just wanted to hurt myself. I took a lot of klonopin, which I think might’ve made me psychotic.

My ex called the cops on me, afraid that I’d kill myself. I had been hiding in our old apartment when the cops showed up at the door. I was scared – and this is the main reason I think I might’ve been psychotic- so I jumped from our 7th floor balcony onto the 6th floor balcony. Thinking about it now makes me cringe. I have a slight fear of […]

1/5/2016 3 comments

a sick state of mind

by evildandelions 1/2/2016

written by evildandelions

This morning I woke up crying and in physical pain from grief. There’s too much in my mind to write about it all, can’t even form a coherent organization to it all.

But the sick thing is, I woke up wondering if I should take the pills now or go to a thrift store that has 50% sale on saturday. So, basically, I want to buy clothing and then attempt to hurt or kill myself (unlikely, sadly, although maybe if I added vicodin to the mix- klonopin and vicodin are contraindicated) .

I spoke to my ex yesterday. It was good in ways, to know that she misses […]

1/2/2016 4 comments

I wish pills could kill me

by evildandelions 1/1/2016

written by evildandelions

I know pills are the least effective method, more likely to leave me brain damaged. I really don’t want to risk that- I don’t have enough klonopin to lethally overdose, but if I mixed it with other meds it might be enough. But there’s still the risk of surviving- maybe taking trazodone with it will make it lethal, but maybe not. I’m not too concerned about the pain of it, as long as it kills me- I probably deserve the pain.

I know losing me will be devastating to my family, to the few friends I have. But that isn’t enough for me to want to […]

1/1/2016 5 comments

headache from crying

by evildandelions 12/31/2015

written by evildandelions

Everything hurts. The woman I love, who I want to spend my future with, doesn’t want to love me anymore.

The thought makes me feel like I’m dying. I can’t breathe. And I can’t stop thinking about her, about how she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

She’s my best friend. This feels so impossible. And I don’t know how to stop crying.

12/31/2015 4 comments

just everything

by evildandelions 12/30/2015

written by evildandelions

My doctor thinks I might have an endocrine disorder since my hormones are somewhat off and due to some “symptoms” that I have like hirsutism, excessive sweating, and slight edema in the face. I just thought that I was a hairy person (although the facial hair is relatively new), that lamictal caused the sweating (and hot flashes), and that that was just how my face is genetically (somewhat “pudgy”). I don’t see an endocrinologist until the 14th, but she went ahead and prescribed me metformin- supposed to help regulate my hormones. When I see the endocrinologist I’ll probably have more blood work done to see if maybe […]

12/30/2015 1 comment

Failure

by evildandelions 12/29/2015

written by evildandelions

I failed.

I don’t mean that I’m a failure as a person or that my fiance leaving me means I’m not “good enough,” but that I failed to be the person that she wanted to be with, the person she felt she could be with. I failed to be the person she thought of as family, as someone permanent.

This is what hurts the most.

It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m the one left behind, the one who’ll take longer to recover (if ever?). She’ll go back to school this semester, taking five classes (although honestly, based on her track record, I suspect she’ll drop at […]

12/29/2015 2 comments

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