heartlessviking

I almost succeeded in doing it. I was going to quietly fade away…. it was so fucking close. The pain was delicious. *sigh*

They can’t get me a therapist for another month. My car broke down on the way home from the hospital and am still waiting to find out how bad that is going to be.

It’s just, enough. I don’t care about hurting anyone anymore. No one fucking cares how hurt I am….

It doesn’t matter. If I express my method they’ll just lock me up and put me on bad drugs. When the time comes I’m going to quietly go out and do it, screw […]

Just an update that I’m planning to go to the hospital tomorrow and try and get in to see a new therapist. This last few months working with a student therapist gives me hope that I might be able to work out something, make more progress than I have been thus far. It’s a shot, so I’m going to try and stay open minded but pragmatic. I’ve said I’ll give them 6 sessions or two months, whichever comes second.

Last night I kind of felt pushed into a corner about this thing. I talked about it before, essentially I worked hard prepping a schedule for the spring and my university decided to undermine it by canceling a class that I have to take, which I also already paid to rent a book for…. I’m pretty mad about all of this because this is the second time in the same year they’ve screwed up my schedule by doing the same thing.

So I slept fitfully, bad dreams and anger always near the surface.

I went back to school to improve myself to the end of stopping being […]

Sometimes I think about destination. It’s kind of like the other direction of thinking, towards where I came from. There’s sadness in both directions.

It’s not really a place, but the language of place and distance makes more sense for this than trying to explain a project and the process that must be completed before the project is done. That means the process becomes the journey, and completion the destination. Everyone keeping up?

So I think about destination and I wonder if the destination even matters. The world seems to reward me more for going somewhere more than getting there. I don’t even know if when I […]

My main thing right now is not wanting to upset people, Christmas may advertise as being about togetherness love and so on, but the underside is materialism, seasonal affective disorder and sadness. So if I sound remotely happy know that it is despite these frustrations, not because of them.

I had a meltdown three days ago, about the college canceling a class (that I’m still mad at them, my trust towards them is about the same as any other abusive employer…)

Then last night I had a dream that sorted things, about how I’ve hated educational institutions before. That’s not what I’m there for, to like them, […]

It’s weird waking up like this, waking up and hoping for a heart attack, or a car accident on the way to work….

Last night I was at the point of hating life, trust breached and hope betrayed, another chapter of that story that I’ve been getting from everyone I try to believe in since I was 8 years old.

Christmas is supposed to be about hope…. I just see the black depth of depravity of humanity, and it’s beautiful. People are dying, pain everywhere, everyone looking for a little comfort, a little relief… there’s no relief, and hope is the biggest source of pain there is.

I […]

Right, so, here’s the deal:

I pulled my shit together and went back to school. Why? Because my previous career path wasn’t working. Every employer was more abusive than I could handle and couldn’t provide long term employment. That’s how we got to this messed up place.

Two years of medication, therapy, and hard work later I’ve brought my GPA up (over the last year 3.8), dealt with tons of crisis and now.

There’s a class I have to take, it’s core to my whole stupid degree plan. This semester I had two classes on a day, then the rest were on other days. The university dropped one […]

I keep seeing pictures of her. One of the few women ever to make my heart skip a beat, that I actually have a physical reaction to how attracted to them I am.

Of course I have no rights in this area. Rationally this is totally normal and understandable and FINE.

inside I’m torn apart. She’s had a baby, and the depression inside me is screaming “All the women you love find other men to give them children”

So what do I do with this?

I don’t know, probably go make a cup of coffee and take my morning meds. definitely that.

this life is a shit show sometimes. The […]

Hey, I want to tell you something….

There’s a sort of balance, twisted and beautiful to this whole death puzzle we’re working on.

It comes back to society. Someone around here asked “Why does society make it so hard for people who want to to die to die?”

It’s been itching at me, like a phantom limb. Why would it? What’s the motivation?

In therapy that’s evidence finding. It’s how I deal with paranoia, because things that don’t make sense always have a motivation if not a rational reason. The sick man hurts others because he’s sick, wants attention. That’s easy enough to understand, right?

What if the culprit here […]

I just would prefer to spiral than be angry, but I know that spiralling through depression is unhealthy. I have LIMITLESS stores of energy and all of them are expressed as hatred.

So here is the rant, to get out, as if it mattered:

I hate other people. Not dogmatically of course, my religion is actually to love others. It is that desire to love that is so frustrated as others are so determined to undermine any assumption I have that they intend to do good in the world.

Every day I have to try and transform the pain causing actions to understandable mistakes.

Around every corner new incompetence […]

I don’t know if anyone can relate: I don’t feel like I deserve to be unhappy.

My biggest issue with being depressed is not feeling like I deserve to feel these feelings. I just got done with 4 months of highly productive therapy, we dealt with a lot of my anxiety, my self image and my relationship issues. It seems like, I should be happy. Or at least I should be content, but here I am.

I don’t feel like I belong, and I know that’s a symptom. Noticing that there’s a lot of self referencing…. sorry about that. It’s an issue that needs resolving, because frankly […]

This article came up while I was at work today:

https://www.thisisinsider.com/perfectionism-definition-depression-anxiety-mental-health-2018-11?utm_source=quora&utm_medium=referral

To say I reacted poorly is an understatement. I’m still mad about it. It would appear that striving for perfection is generational, and I’m not the only one who is actively fighting mental illness because of it. What does anyone expect? My parents and their fucking generation destroyed all that was good and sustaining in our economy. They traded in pensions for 401ks, healthcare for higher salaries and let the wealthy enjoy limitless growth while the rest of us get peanuts.

What are we supposed to do? There are many who just want to fucking say “That’s […]

This is my story, abridged, but I just need to get it out. I don’t know if it will help me, or anyone.

I’m an only child. Maybe that doesn’t matter. The thing is there were no brothers and sisters, no one ever approached me in my parents eyes. I didn’t understand other children. There was some sort of commonality that they had, I didn’t.

So there was always reading, I wanted to be understood but at least I could understand others. Slowly but surely I would figure out other humans, but I never figured out how to be like them.

Anyway, I learned to function. My parents […]

I’m just fucking alone. I hate this fucking stupid class, I have no desire to ever use this skill, but supposedly it will build to other skills.

I got told I did the fucking assignment wrong after working all weekend on it. Where was the FUCKING answer for that? Not in the book, not in class time, apparently everyone else just fucking worked all thanksgiving week on this SHIT class.

I’m thinking about driving into a median on the way home, and I’m thinking about not calling the fucking hotline, because I’m fucking sick of this.

I hate Fall, I hate the fucking conservative shitface no insurance for […]

I just… can’t get away from the memories.

Apparently my pain and scars don’t meet the definition of trauma,

but what she said, what she did, what I did, sometimes I just want to end it to blank out the memories, to blank out the self accusation and the part of my brain that keeps bringing up shit that it can’t fix

she fucking left, divorce happened 8 years ago this month. I’ve moved on with my life. Then her life went great, new husband six months later, kids about a year after that, grad school success, perfect fucking american life.

me? sick. crashes. 8 fucking years of failed […]

I hate food

I hate dishes

why is this so complicated? I just want my fucking housemates to clean up after themselves.

I’m not their servant, it’s actually my house (as in my name is on the deed, my parents pay the mortgage while I’m in school).

I just want to know what their fucking  role is supposed to be in our little community. I get the bills paid, fix things, drive people places, and so on.

They just sit around and soak up my excess energy? Complain that I’m not cleaning the way that THEY prefer? Mention the times they actually did their share and now the chores need […]

I’m not out of the woods, not remotely. There’s three weeks left of stress, then a month of anticipation before the cycle begins anew.

I just got a decent night sleep, and am closer to functioning than I have been in at least a week. I want control but I’ll settle for not being in constant pain. The irony is that what that took was getting away from pain killers.

Anyway, I can breath, sleep, and I lost another few pounds. These are things that make me feel better. Like a firefly on a pitch black night, these little pleasures remind me that things get better.

I don’t […]

I hate myself for even expressing any of this, but here I am in the middle of the night, unable to sleep because I can’t fucking get well.

It’s idiotic. I can fucking perform so well at the stupid university game, or at the stupid job game, heck even at the FUCKING house cleaning game. But my fucking body?

It’s a nightmare. Imagine being insanely competent and it not making any difference. Imagine having all the willpower and strength you could imagine, and more, yet not getting to use any of it to take care of yourself. Imagine never fucking getting better, yet everyone is happy because […]

I’d been musing on this one. Why is it that finding out that others have the same pain seems to make the pain less bad?

It seems like there is something about knowing that we have something in common with others that comforts us.

Is it a good thing? Is it harmful?

What the fuck am I supposed to say to people? I don’t like any of my options. There I go again, like some spoiled child. “This food doesn’t taste right”, “That isn’t fair!” I stamp my foot and demand my way, but what do I want?! Nuts. Not literally nuts, more like a filler word meaning who’s to say what I want? I mean, there’s an abstract. I want control. I want input. I want to be able to be my ideal self, but fuck that’s a tall order.

I’m just feeling morbid again. Down again. I’ve been getting sick lately, 4 times in the last […]