Namelessqueer

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But […]

…you are constantly striking out? And I don’t mean in the patriarchal sex way but like in every conversation I have, the things that i am trying to say get interpreted in a different way than how I intended and the other person won’t tell me what they heard or how they feel when I ask. I feel broken, like maybe there is a part of humanity that I am missing. I know we are all having a hard time and I hope we can find ways to move at the pace of love, talk things through and assume good intentions. When people dehumanize me […]

Is just not my day. This weekend was REALLY hard. I don’t know how I’m alive but here I am. I’m kind of amazed that I made it through this sadness and madness. Push forward. Make it through today. That is my only goal. Mercury is in retrograde. I am feeling shitty and communication is all messed up which really helps. I pray god to have pity on me but here I am still. I think if one more thing goes wrong, I may actually lose it. I’m a bit worried but I just gotta try my best. That’s all that I have.

I hesitate to write here because there isn’t really anything new.  People are awful, I try to be kind and get taken advantage of and keep thinking that “this time things will be different.”  The thoughts of wanting to die stay with me as much as I shake them off. I’m not worried that I’m going to try to kill myself because life is pretty much the same shit it has been and it’s been about 10 years since I’ve attempted anything.  Things aren’t really that bad but today feels heavy and hard.  I’m not in the mood to excuse everyone’s shit.  I don’t want […]

Today and yesterday are hard days.  So many little things adding up to make it hard to climb out of this sadness.  I ordered some new clothes but it’s all too small for me, my laptop died, the light above my desk at work is dead so I’m just stuck in the darkness, and this boy I went on a date with wants to just be friends.  Work is blah, relationships are blah, I wake up alone every day and I wonder if things will ever change. I’ve been living alone for years now.  No friends, no lovers.  Well my ex partner lived with me […]

Tomorrow I fly away to visit family and I’m terrified.  It’s not gonna be how I thought it would. Just found out a bunch of new things about family dynamics that I’m struggling to accept.  My mother seems to have forgiven my father for his trespasses.  I can’t and I don’t want to spend more time with him. I’m just trying to hope that I don’t get into conflict with him.  I wanted to look forward to my vacation but now I’m dreading it.  I just want to stay home and die.  Why is everything garbage?  And part of me knows it’s not actually all […]

visiting this website.  30 years of life.  22ish years of depression and anxiety.  9 years since I tried to kill myself last. 15 years since I first started trying to kill myself.  None of these numbers feel like they mean anything when I hear my inner voice(s) telling me that I should jump onto the train tracks or that I should just stay in bed forever or that nothing I do is good enough and that I’m actually an awful person that no one really loves.

I think I need to increase my meds.  I’m starting to waver and worry.  Nothing I do will make these […]

I’m kinda proud of myself that I haven’t posted for so many months. Those feelings linger under the surface but they haven’t been bursting for a while.  I have a therapist that I really like, been seeing her for a few months.  She’s really great, very weird but very dynamic and i really enjoy talking to her.  I just got back form a vacation i took from work but I’m itching to get away again.  Haven’t even caught up on my work.  But probably the overwhelming feeling of being behind is impacting that a bit.  Once I get back on track, probably by Monday or […]

I don’t know that I can wait death out.  I thought that if I wasn’t good enough or strong enough to take my own life that maybe I could just live life and wait it out because death comes eventually and what does it matter if I die now or in thirty years.  It’s all the same bullshit. I don’t know if I have the patience required for this plan.  My heart is heavy today with the weight of things unsaid. Once more I’m tired. But I don’t know what to do because I know I’ll just fail once more unless i do something inconsiderate […]

thinks that I’m pessimistic.  She talks as if I choose to be sad when sadness is not an option. I wonder if we are living in the same world but then I realize she is a Cis-gender straight woman.  I don’t know much about her politic or her involvement in community work or in anti-oppression work.  She says my life is good and that she doesn’t understand why I’d want to die.  I feel like I would generally be annoyed but I like her as a therapist and as a person.  she seems open to asking questions and learning.

I’m at work right now, wondering how […]

I don’t know how to communicate what I’m feeling to my partner.  We haven’t spent time away together for over a year and getting her to commit to something is just more energy than I have. I don’t want to struggle through this anymore. I don’t want to do anything. a part of me would rather be dead than deal with this stupid conversation one more time.  I just feel broken.  Like nothing matters.  Like I don’t matter.  I don’t know what will happen.  I don’t know if this will work.  I don’t know if I want to even be with anyone. I’m so tired.  […]

continue today. I know my day just started out wrong and things have been going wrong here and there for the last few weeks.  I’m hurt, sprained my ankle but might need surgery because I’ve sprained my ankle a bunch of times.  there is one aspect of work that I really dislike. the train was delayed for over an hour today, I can’t find a therapist.  Everything just seems hard.  I don’t want to be here, etc. nothing exciting.nothing all that different from what y’all are feeling sometimes.  I’m just regurgitating bullshit. No poetic despair today. Goodbye.

is my father’s birthday and I will not wish him a happy one because we don’t get along.

What’s most present on my mind is my relationship with my partner who is chronically late and not great about communicating about it. This past week she was late three times in a row. Only a few minutes late to the movies but then forgot I was picking her up from work and lied about what time she’d be home, she got there 1.5 hours later and then lied again on Sunday about what time she’d leave work and called me 1.5 hours after […]

….that I want to die. right now I am feeling somewhat numb, trying to stay afloat and just understand what everyone needs from me. I’ve been trying to work on having a future. Trying to live life and make the best of it all. It just isn’t quite working out. I have to depend on other people and they let me down. I can’t just do everything myself because otherwise i would. I keep thinking it’d be easier to be dead to be gone but part of me knows that’s just the sadness that grows inside me that keeps telling me this and I’m trying […]

But I don’t want to live either. I’m stuck somewhere between in limbo, trying to escape every moment that I can and hoping that everything will rush away from me so I can finally be alone. I hope I die today. And today isn’t much different than most days. I rode my bike to the beach yesterday, it was nice. I wasn’t as tired as I thought I’d be so I guess I’m in better shape than I thought. I’ve been trying to work out and whatnot. I’ve been trying to be good to myself. But I can’t seem to shake this feeling. And I […]

I feel like everything is imploding and I’m so stressed but I just want it all to stop and it’s not going to. I am trying to live but it’s hard. I am trying to do something for me but the bank is making it super hard and all of this feels impossible. I just want to die but only like 10%. most of me knows this feeling will pass and return and pass and return. It’s wearing me down but I continue marching forward because that Is what I’m supposed to do, because there are some good times in life. because as long as […]

I keep coming back to this place inside. This places that tells me that I’m not enough. That no matter what I do the world will always be bad and I sink into despair. I just want to be alright and not think that death is a viable alternative. That inevitably one day I will kill myself. That no mater what I do suicidality will always be a part of my heart. Maybe it’s the intoxicants I use. I hear it’s a downer but in the moment it feels ok. Maybe it’s just them speaking, sinking me down deep, dragging me down. Maybe I need […]