Eveything in my life is falling apart and I can’t feel it because of fucking antidepressants.
I want to end it but I don’t feel it.
I want to cut my wrists but my body doesn’t.
I can’t even cry- it’s like I’m trapped.
Category:
Chronic Pain
Apparently I have been placed in a suicide program of some sort.
It began years ago but kind of ebbed and flowed over time but came to a dramatic and sudden head more recently, where acoustic audio and psychological torture weapons are being used on me, the same kind you hear about the military using on foreign soil.
I’ve realized I don’t have much power in the situation and the ‘perpetrators’ even offer an ‘assist’ in the suicide. Meaning, they are able to pull the trigger for you, remotely. They have demonstrated this for me. I guess that helps with some of the remaining troubles I would […]
I found this person: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl
He specialized in the psychology of depression and suicide; his project managed that not even one more student (of the widespread student suicide in Vienna) commit it during that year. He wrote on the meaning of life and humanity’s attempts to answer the question:
https://www.amazon.com/Viktor-E.-Frankl/e/B000APVZJU?ref_=dbs_p_ebk_r00_abau_000000 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Unconscious_God
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning
Surely this will prove invaluably useful!! I myself searched for meaning for 3 years; and I found that the question “What is the meaning of life?” to be faulty, but in the process I found the answer to all I need.
I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me […]
“Life is a gift! Live, laugh, love! You only live once (YOLO)! Thank God! Life is beautiful!” etc etc. Well, not really. Wake up and open your eyes to reality.
by niki
written by niki
Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) […]
I don’t frequent these feelings often, but when I do I’m scared. I get lost in the thought of hating everything I am. No faith for change, for adaptation. I wake up the same each day, my mindset doesn’t change. My energy comes sporadically, periodically through the day I’ll find small bursts of motivation. I know at the rate I’m going, I’ll be nothing. I’ll be nobody. Yet, with this knowledge, I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, or take a shower. The dirt clothes have been piling up for over a month. […]
Everyone wants it both ways. I’ve fucking destroyed myself to give the people I care about everything, even when it crosses my boundaries, even when it fucking killed me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I fucking drop anything, and I mean nothing to anyone I care about, and that will kill me worse. I try to do everything and that kills me, too. It’s not like I have any direction on my own, so why shouldn’t I drop everything to wholly serve those I care about? What the hell else would I do? I have nothing going for me; I’m fucking pathetic. […]
I’ve always thought of this place as a place for people who are diagnosed. I guess that’s why I never felt like I should write here. Now I’m pretty sure I need some kind of help because I saw that I actually have written entries here.
Schoolwork overwhelms me + Im @ my parents
Started abusing some meds that lay round at my house, e.g. zolpidem, which is horrible, I’m just wobbling round the house all day. Wish I could find somewhere more xanny but I popped them all. All of this is probably because of the ecstasy I took like 3-4 weeks ago (1st time doing […]
i drive away the people i love. they lose interest. i destroy myself. all i feel is pain all the time and when i’m happy its naive because it never lasts. ill never last in this world. im 18 now, but i feel like a child still. i cant manage responsibility. i let people down. they’re sick of me. i’m a waste. i build myself up just to crash and burn in the worst way at the very last second. and this fucking pain, why do i hurt so much? i’ve tried so many medications, they don’t seem to work. my intrusive thoughts come, and […]
I suffer from chronic pain with the carina virus out break I’m unable to get medication. I have 2 weeks to decide. I can’t find anything that’s sure an painless. I was thinking of trying to o.d but I’m in too much pain to move. Im desperate an suffering intensliy with physical pain. flnfrmabove7@ yahoo.com
A couple of years ago I had many attempts of suicide, since then I’ve been trying to get help. Everything gets in the way, stopping me from helping myself. I try and find reasons to start over new or someone for that matter. Now I feel numb and without a single care.
In our household music is everything. I push myself every night to add more and more hours onto my piano practice, until my hands cramp and I can’t play any longer. I sometimes get really angry where I pull at my hair and make my skin bleed, usually screaming my head off, there is […]
Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.
Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about […]
Once again I’m here to read ppl’s agony. It grounds me whenever I have suicidal thoughts. It’s tragic to know that people are there for you but eventually they’ll get tired of your shit and toxcitity then leave you knowing that it would make you misery. Makes me want to kill myself more. I know that I don’t have to depend on people and get their validation but it’s hard not to when you rlly love those ppl around you. I feel like a burden. Always have been. I blame myself for everything and for the existence I found no purpose and not thankful for. […]
I think I’m going to book it out of this place after I finish classes for the year. I’ve become an irreversible failure, and there’s no way to fix it this time. Maybe I’ll train-hop out of here. Once I’m gone, there’s nothing keeping me from following through. I’m way too depressed to function anyway. My meds, that I pay way too much money for, aren’t working. Trying to get help doesn’t work for me. My mind’s just finally calm enough for me to do it, not out of a sudden and temporary spike of emotion, but through calm reasoning. I don’t want to be […]
Sorry for my last post. Came off a a bit overdramatic. I tend to do that when I get stressed out.
To be honest, I don’t even have a way to kill myself right now. I was hoping we had some rope in the basement, bu5 a search turned up nothing. And now more than ever I won’t be able to sneak out and by some. Hell, I don’t even know if hardware stores are closed nowadays. The only reason I can think of for them to be open would be so people can buy flashlights or things to help with emergence repairs. I supposed I […]
I haven’t left my house for about six days. I was never the outdoorsy type, but this whole Coronavirus situation makes me feel like an animal in a cage. I’m losing my will to do anything productive. A new day comes and all I want to do is sleep. Suicidal thoughts come in more frequently. I didn’t have a reason to live before, why would I have one now? I feel my worse at night, and crying myself to sleep has become the norm. I try to tell myself people have it far worse than me. But knowing that it just makes me hate myself […]
Ever have these (VERY) rare days, where you’re actually all cheerful and think, today is gonna be a good day? Well, fuck that.
These days seem to always go wrong for me and people never believe me, when I tell them, that being positive just fucks up my life even more…
This day was unbearably chaotic and it’s not even lunchtime. I tried smiling and being social and brave but each step that went wrong, my smile just grew weary. I don’t know where to even put that negativity that brushed over this little happy day. I don’t know how to feel..
Mad, that my […]
Wow. It really is as simple as that.
I’m having trouble smiling.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I try to force myself to smile. People always said if you smile you’ll feel happier as a result. But when I look in the mirror, and I see my reflection smiling, all these nauseating emotions build up in my stomach. I feel irritated, bitter, and almost disgusted. I actually feel disgusted looking at myself. Not in a sense that I think I’m ugly, I’ve pretty much contented myself on the fact that I am and only ever will be average-looking. But I’ve just grown to hate myself when I’m smiling. Sometimes, I’ll be legitimately […]