Chronic Pain

1

Welcoming the Non-Welcomed.

  July 10th, 2015 by KissOfDeath

It seems like forever since I’ve been on this website, and I pity myself for needing to come back, for needing to vent about something that never leaves, the follows me as close as my own shadow.

This feeling, this dreaded feeling is back, and as I try, day by day, to push it to the back of my mind, all it does is grow, feeding off my happiness.

I’m upset, so upset that it seems that all is going well, yet this feeling won’t allow me to feel joy, to feel anything besides remorse. I want to be the one who is always smiling, …

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3

New

  July 8th, 2015 by wormfood

Hi everyone,

I’m new to this site and just found it after searching for some ideas for suicide methods online.  Interesting that this site does not allow that but my search brought me to a post that talked about some interesting ideas.

Anyway, I don’t know where to start.  I’m in my mid 30’s and have been suicidal since I was about 15, depressed all my life.  It certainly makes life pretty fucking meaningless when everything you experience feels negative and full of suffering.  I don’t know why I am like this and I thought it would stop when I was done with my teen years but …

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5

trying to get my rage out

  July 8th, 2015 by Em.123

I seriously mess up so much. I make all these mistakes. Everyone thinks I am annoying and makes fun of my body. I hate myself and I just feel so alone. and everyone tells me all this bull on how I should be happy and stop being “ungrateful”. cant you see im depressed? i always go to suicide as a way to get away from everything but i can never do it, but i want to so badly. no one understands me and i just want to die so badly. I want to feel wanted and wish my friends didnt just leave me or that …

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4

Yellow Pic

  July 8th, 2015 by Parsley5267

I don’t honestly do not know why I am even writing this. Big brother can watch me have my nervous breakdown, I  guess. It was not at all in my intentions to be one of those people who threaten their selves with their lives when things get hard. That’s weak, right? Although, I’m struggling to understand that, it makes your mentality to have strenuous strength to cope with the inevitability. Here’s the kicker, I am 16. I haven’t even lived to have the urge to end it, right? Ahhhhhhh, or maybe it could be the raging hormones and the typical teenage babble like, he said …

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2

Hurting. Tired of living.

  July 6th, 2015 by arm79

This is a long story, so please be patient as I try to explain everything.

I was in a long-term, long-distance relationship. Early June made four years, but at the end of June we decided to “take a break.”

He lives in Canada (let’s call him John) and I’m in the United States (I’ll call myself Jeff). About a year ago we had a discussion and decided that he would try to find a job and move to be with me in the U.S. This was at about the three-year mark of the relationship and I remember saying at the time, both to myself and to John, …

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2

Back again…

  July 6th, 2015 by KH

I doubt I posted often enough previously for anyone to have taken notice that I haven’t posted anything for some time now… The simple explanation is that I did not feel the need to. Every negative feeling for some reason subsided for a while, I was happy-ish. My boyfriend and I were getting along well, I finally managed to fit in amongst decent people.. Then I got admitted to hospital.

For physical reasons only was I admitted for three weeks, which took its toll I suppose. I was discharged a few days ago and honestly I’ve never felt worse. My boyfriend has decided once again to …

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1

I miss myself …

  July 6th, 2015 by theawkwardone123

This is my first time doing this and thanks to those who read it. I dont really share my feelings but i thought i should give it a try. I don’t know why someone at age 20 feels the way that I do. Ever since my dad passed away when i was 11 I have felt empty. I was my bestfriend and my role model. He suffered from drug abuse and was clean for a year, then went to a hotel off the parkway, overdosed, and killed himself. Every time I think about it I blame myself(& I know many people say that there is …

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2

Knots in my stomach

  July 4th, 2015 by disgusting

That’s how I feel, every day. I hate holidays. I could go run around with the guy I like again, but I’m exhausted. I’ve basically been “partying all weekend” starting on Thursday – the day I had set to kill myself, but at least minute was given the ok to come hang out, and it’s not really my thing to run around like a teenager and party. On the other hand, one of the many things I’ve loved about him is that I feel younger with him. He’s 6 years younger than me, but he has the energy of a teenager and at 37, I …

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3

A beautiful life

  July 4th, 2015 by life_reset

The most beautiful thing happened when i logged in to write here. The check-mark on the login page said, ‘remember me’. What a wonderful thought indeed, made me smile. I don’t know why i chose to write here, why go through the process of registering and then confirming, checking email for new password and writing now. But anyways am here, let’s make the most of it..

Today is one of my darkest days. Three months back if anyone would have spoken of ending their lives I would have dissuaded them fervently. But bearing the same suicidal thought tonight, I somehow feel at ease with myself. Life …

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6

Mystery Illness

  July 3rd, 2015 by ciz

I was happy before the pain began. I was a better person.

Going on three years now of a mystery illness that’s drained me of who I am. Been to several doctors this past year, took a whole year off from college and still no answers. I have just continued to feel worse and worse. I have lost all functionality as a human being. My family now expects me to get a job because at 22 I can’t be taken care of forever but I can’t work.

I don’t want to kill myself because of a lack of caring on anyone’s part. My family has helped me …

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4

I’m too deep, and I’m only falling deeper

  July 2nd, 2015 by melancholy_punk

Okay. I’ve never done this before. I’m not open about these sorts of things, mainly because the people that are meant to love me and support me are the ones that are causing me the most distress. Only two people in my life have actually loved me – one changed to hating me when I let them crack away at the surface, and the other doesn’t know half of what the first did. I know that I am unloved, and no matter what I always will be. It’s just who I was born as.

There’s a friend I’ve been talking to about some of this because …

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1

Setting dates

  July 2nd, 2015 by disgusting

Since my last (serious) post, I made this pic and put it as the wallpaper on my phone. It’s a question to myself only. The point was to see if it felt right or wrong or somewhere outside of that. Having sat with it for a couple of days, I’ve accepted it and thought it felt good. I always wanted to go out close to or on my birthday, but last winter was too fucking cold and I said I want to be comfortable when I do it. With that said, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. It felt like we were really …

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2

always alone

  July 2nd, 2015 by gingercat

I have been depressed or feeling unloved since I was 5. I am 57. I am alone. Never been first in anyone’s life. Let me be honest, I am not anything in anyone’s life. I am seriously damaged. I have never belonged. Never been loved. No one even wants my love with no strings. I can’t even make one friend on the internet. I am a loser. I have screwed up everything I touch. I hurt constantly. Told to be myself and when I am. They leave in a day or two. My sister hasn’t talked to me in 23 years. Other kin don’t care …

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9

I wish I were dead.

  June 30th, 2015 by disgusting

I’m at wits end. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve a job I can live off of. I don’t deserve a place to live. I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve anything apparently. I try so hard, but I’m worthless, useless, ugly, no one would ever want me. I know I shouldn’t do this but I want to prove that I’m right, and show you just what an ugly, hideous, wretched monster I am. I’m not mad at the person I love. I’m mad at the universe or any higher power that made me this way. Why make me dream …

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2

Am I Crazy?

  June 28th, 2015 by zombiedoctor

So let me just throw this out there.
I’m not suicidal but I have a chronic and, apparently, incurable illness that over the last 8 years has lowered my quality of life to almost comically unbearable levels. There are certainly days when I think, “so how long do you think you can endure this before jumping out of a fucking window?”
Let’s get real here – if you were an American being held prisoner by ISIS (or, for that matter, a suspected Muslim terrorist being held at a black site by the CIA) and tortured sadistically and de-humanized every day and was reasonably sure that this would …

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1

Lost it.

  June 28th, 2015 by cre5

Im a 20 year old male and this is my story, i dont really feel like commiting suicide but i just want to share this story. I have never cutted or harmed myself in any way possible.

Ive been a normal kid before someone told me i got a tad fatter in a matter of weeks (im still 2mteters talls and i weigh 75kg..). Since that day my life went downhill really fast, i started to look away from people and the real life because i fellt like i wasnt good enough in others peoples eyes. Since that day i just felt like anything i did …

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9

My Silent Battle

  June 27th, 2015 by Lisa Marie

I’m sorry this is so long. It’s my first post. But, it’s a juicy story filled with a lot of pain. I promise.

I’m not sure where to even begin. 10/11 years ago, or the recent events? What I do know is…it doesn’t matter if I kill myself of not. The beautiful star filled sky will still appear each night. The warm glowing sun will continue to rise every morning. The seasons will still slowly change and flow into each other in a never ending rhythm. Beyond me, everyone else’s life will still continue on. So, why not? My father always says, “Suicide is the most …

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2

Who Will Fuck me over Next?

  June 26th, 2015 by JustReallySad

Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is fucking with you?

You don’t know who to trust, or who to believe.

It’s even harder when you’re paranoid to begin with.

What are you supposed to do when everyone you’ve ever

known has ended up screwing you over?

I can only think of one person in my life who has never let me down.

That person would be my father.

But then again, when push comes to shove,

he always rises to the defense of my psychotic mother over me.

He says that it’s the way it has to be.

If mental illness really is a genetic thing,

then I got it from my mother

and I …

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1

It’s not enough.

  June 26th, 2015 by lulereign

I never believed when people said cutting was an addiction. But now it’s just not enough. I used to do baby cuts – just little ones – but a few of them at a time. They were small enough to go unnoticed even though I still wear short sleeved clothes. I didn’t want anything to be too obvious to people, but recently I’m noticing the are getting more inflamed and irritated – it kinda stands out too much.

Also I’ll admit I was scared of the pain. Initially that tiny pinprick was enough, but now it doesn’t hurt ENOUGH anymore. I want to cut deeper, but …

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1

Gave myself a chance, nothing changed.

  June 26th, 2015 by Manhattan

I came across this site and when I tried to register it said I was already registered. I didn’t realize I had posted here almost 3 years ago. I decided to try and live. But today, I still feel precisely the same as I did then. There have been massive, positive changes in my life and my lifestyle, but none of it has even made a chip in the depression I’ve felt since I was a child.

Now I’m 3 years closer to that expiration date I’d given myself: if things don’t improve by the time I’m 30, I’ll know that I’ve run my course. I …

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