This is my first post. Although I have read through much of this website for the past few weeks, I have simply relegated my involvement to that of backseat viewer. I have now decided to share with you a little about who I am and why I browse this website to pass the time.
First, a little bit about me. I have read the sources of many people’s depression and suicidal thoughts and I regret to say that exteriorly, I may represent an unorthodox example of a someone who is plagued with the issue of suicide. I am 19 years old, an excellent student, good looking, athletic, outspoken, financially stable, and socially apt. I am due to begin studying at a global top-10 university this coming fall. Yet, recently, I have not been happy at all. I contemplate suicide. I struggle to fall asleep. I wake up panicked from nightmares. I wet the bed for the first time in 9 years. I feel terribly lonely, and depressed for most parts of the day.
The reason for this is an amalgamation of issues that have brought me to the brink of tether. Firstly, the relationship with my parents is non-existant. They constantly berate me for ‘wasted time and money’ and how they jeopardised their careers to raise me. That is in fact, bullshit, in my opinion. In addition, they hate each other and how they remain married is beyond me. So, through their parenting, they raised me in a way to not accept failure, and pushed me to become a results-crazed madman. Their dream for me: to attend an ivy league school. And in turn, their dream became mine as well, the sole purpose in my life. However, I failed – with no offers coming through.
And that represents the biggest source of my depression. The shame, regret and guilt is truly overwhelming. I feel that my life has lost its purpose. I lack drive, motivation, a desire to continue living. I hate my life right now, and I just wish it would end to put me out of my misery and shame.
I acknowledge, that this may seem ridiculously petty, even laughingly trivial to many of you, but I assure you I mean every word of it. Depression and suicide rear their ugly heads in every corner of life, and the issues they prey upon are all relative and affect all of us differently. We all struggle with different things, and find hope in others. You may have read or may be aware of those stories and stereotypes of children who have been pushed to hard killing themselves due to poor results or university entries. I think I might soon add to those statistics.
Also a few things I have learnt about suicide through my experiences. Firstly, in my first and only suicide attempt to strangle/suffocate myself, I discovered the body’s natural instinct to live is insanely strong. Secondly, we may all struggle with the issue of suicide, but I realise that the actual act of suicide is an impulsive one. We worry about things like pain, methodology, but the truth is, if we truly, truly, wish to die, nothing could stop us. The very fact that we are still alive to this moment means that all hope is not lost yet.
I would like to end by saying this: Nobody knows this. Not a single person knows I am a tortured soul on the interior. My friends would laugh at this thinking it is a sick joke. It isn’t. As the days pass by, we look for excuses to postpone our thoughts of ending our lives and look for every reason to continue living. Your stories have provided me with the last shred of hope. I hope mine can do the same for you.
Thank you, and comments are more than welcome.