The effects of suicide on family and friends.
What an god awful day. My emotional capacity is of a child, I couldn’t even let anyone know I went home early, due to feeling like ass. I had it in my gut, that none of my friends will have time to talk to me about it, and I was right. I’m going to cut my arms open tonight. It has been a long time, since that happened but it’s just one of those days you know.? I feel heavy, burdened. It feels like an entity has reached for my heart and keeps hold of it. My weekend will just be me.
my dad died on 16/5/21
everyday i think of him. there is not a single day where i forget about him/. my dad had killed himself. i miss him bro, i remember driving in the car with him, blasting pitbull or elton john on full volume, speeding down little countryside roads. this man has been a role model to me, my entire life. i feel so guilty for his death. the day before he had died, (my parents were divorced) he had called me 6 FUCKING TIMES… and i ignored every single one of them because he was an alcoholic, and i was afraid of […]
There’s always something new.
What more can I say?
There’s just always something new.
And it’s never a good thing
Well really, I do want to say more than that, but I thought it sounded pretty neat. Speaking of the word neat, I always thought that it would rhyme with caveat. But those two words dont rhyme.
I’ve been kind of, “productive” these past few days. If you can call it that. Well, yeah, I guess it’s the right word, the problem is that everyone says it’s not good enough. They just go “Hey man, you seem fucking miserable and you need to eat more. Just […]
Do you ever dissociate on your couch at night and casually talk about suicide with your friends, though usually you keep it to yourself.?
Welp, I didn’t just spend a whole hour, writing a whole monologue on the matter of the meaning of life, nooo, I did not… This is going to be awkward tomorrow, I can tell. Not sure, if 50 deleted messages are worse though, seeing as I do that a lot, when I am hurt about something or think: Eh, it’s irrelevant (in a few hours) anyway (’cause my mood is like a pendulum of shit).
I think I’ll leave it. I don’t want […]
Hello again, I’m back after 4 years. I had to get back on here to help myself get back on track in life. I last posted in 2018 and primarily talked about the abuse I received from a classmate in my middle/high school. Now, I come back to you to talk about how the cycle continues. I have had an absolutely devastating year, I mean i’ve been miserable for all of college but it had really peaked this year. I moved back in with my family after I dropped out of university and ever since I moved in my life has been a living fucking […]
It’s my first time using something like this, but anything will do at this point. I feel like my voice is being enclosed and my vocal cords are shut down. I feel like I’m not enough everyday and have to live my life pretending to love those who could care less about me. Everyday I’m not enough, and every night I cry myself to sleep hoping for something different….for 7 years now, this feeling hasn’t gone away. I feel my body slowly becoming more and more numb each time I realize I’m not enough. My father was never around and my mother is too obsessed […]
I’ve tried my hardest to make myself the most expendable person ever, I’m a people pleaser so it wasn’t that hard, be nice enough so that people don’t hate you over anyone, but quiet enough so that they can’t quite put you into a category. At least thats what i try to convince myself. “You don’t have any close friends so that when you’re gone you won’t hurt as many people” “It’s good that they constantly forget about you, this is the plan, remember?”. My friends aren’t bad friends. I’m lucky they even give me the time of day. I’m a horrible person for wasting […]
Ive been in pain for as long as i can remember. Not just mentally or emotionally, but physically in pain. Everyone writes it off as me being dramatic, but ive been forcing myself to do things that should be simple for so long. Even getting out of bed is difficult for me. Im tired of feeling this way and i can’t see an end for it through anything else. I don’t know what method i plan on using yet, and honestly i don’t even care if its painless at this point, my threshold for physical pain is so high that the hedaches i get now […]
I’m tired.
I’m tired of living in this shaggy shack and call it a home.
A fucking home.
Even if you could bring and build tall walls and ceilings, the core would still be the same old shack.
A fucking shack.
Why do you even pretend to be partners, huh? Emotional abuse isn’t supposed to be part of relationship.
A fucking relationship.
Stop it. Just stop it. I hate living under this pretence of loving family.
A fucking family.
I hate sharing space with you, I loathe it actually, It feels like you’re in my head.
My fucking head.
I don’t even know what I’m mad at? Small living space or giant follies in your relationship.
I […]
Haven’t been here for a while. A good few years, I guess. Some things have changed. Got into a surprisingly healthy relationship. Cut ties with my folks and the fundamentalist cult we were a part of. I understand and care about things now.
If I’m being honest, though, lots of things haven’t. I’m still a cutter. Still on painkillers. Still too scared to stop someone from assaulting me. Still can’t get my shitty parents off my mind. Still occupying the same place in society.
And I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve been told “it gets better” and be angry. Suicidal people aren’t stupid, […]
FUCK TIME TIME IS A B!TCH
FUCKIN RANT O’CLOCK, FUCKLES MCGEE!
GUESS WHAT?! I’m FUCKING waiting now, and I FUCKING hate it!
WAITING FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING SOLUTION which is GONNA MAKE MY LIFE BETTER
but FUCK WAITING OH GOD
I WAS STABLE for like A WEEK AND A HALF damnit! FUCK COPING! FUCK QUESTIONS from PROFANE PREACHERS of PALLID HATE!
HERE’s the UPDATE, because HELL YEAH that’s useful!
Part ONE:
I wanna make some FUCKIN DEMANDS, damnit!
I WANNA COFFIN, DAMNIT! and you BETTER NOT THROW AWAY ALL THE SHIT I PUT TOGETHER TO LAY THIS WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YA!
alright, now to the kind and well-deserving members of thesuicideproject.org, I’d like to […]
A continuation of the events described here…
She forgot her suitcase and came back a couple of days later. More of the same behaviour. I made a point of apologizing for a time many years ago when she was in a similar situation which I hand’t had the awareness or life experience to react/know how to respond properly. She appreciated it but oddly there was no empathy at my now being there, only “frustration” that there is apparently no way to “fix” the problem, and sadness at the idea of losing a friend. It’s not in others’ power to change things, “I have to want […]
Ever heard of situations where vilains try to get rid of someone because the person they want the most attention from isn’t giving it to them but to the another. It makes them so furious because they only make time with that person and only want to talk to that person that they don’t care if they exist because that person is present.
It’s very sad to say I feel their rage.
Of course I don’t want to hurt anybody but I can’t promise I haven’t thought about it.
She gave birth to me
So why does she give a stranger more attention than […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
Here I am 2 years later and I feel no different. My room is my favourite place to be, where I don’t have to prove my value to anyone. Between my family and my friends, I feel no love. I am the least favourite. I’ll try my best to check up on everyone, but I can go days, weeks and months without even messaging and noone would care. It’s a mental battle everyday to tell myself I’m loved and people care, but I know within my heart I’m only telling myself a lie. Sometimes I wish things were different, I wish I meant something to […]
I am incredibly sorry if somebody made you feel as though it was difficult to love you . I am so incredibly sorry if you have ever felt this way. But i promise you…… the universe will send you someone so unexpectedly. Someone who will every day and forever remind you of how great you are. Someone who will reinforce your belief in love as well as in yourself. Someone who will see your flaws but will forever remind you that your imperfections ,are what make you so perfect. Just tightly hold onto this belief . In the meantime fall in love with yourself – […]
She had nothing but good intentions
She wanted to look after you
She desired to build you both spiritually and mentally
She may have been a handful at times but
Remember
She’s different from everyone else you know
She has the spark
She is ambitious
You know you knew it yourself
Nothing but good intentions and a pure heart to love you with
Never forget
What the hell lifelong friend.?! 2 days ago I replied to my friend R. and she tells me short and cryptic sentences. It sounds like a goodbye. You’d think, someone who planned on dying, actually had some great last words to offer. But… that wasn’t the case.
So I’ve tried to make her tell somebody about the bottle of pills she swallowed, her roommate at best. It took me a while and I convinced her to do so – Radio silence. There was nothing I could do, so I just waited. Got a “My roommate took me to the hospital”, that’s it. I really wonder, if […]
I had a horrible day today. My niece (12) had lied to her mother, my sister in law about me. Saying that i “made” her mow tge lawn all by herself when I and her little sister helped. ALL three if us at the same time. She was even paid for it yet told a damn lie like it was child slavery. But its not that its the fact i tried to make her happy, free trips to the movies, free symmer camp, bike rides, trip to the water park, getter her free school supplies, ice cream, candy, staying up until 11 or even one […]