General

What can I do to “cope” with the shit life I can’t seem to escape from? So far, the only thing I can do is stuff my face and feel good for a few minutes, then go back to feeling like shit bc all that does is get me fat and I do not want to be fat.

I USED to exercise like mad, 3hrs a day every other day, and that worked beautifully bc it released my pent up anger. But obviously I can’t do that now. I’m physically fucked so now just walking hurts- something as simple as walking a few […]

It pisses me off that everyone says that shit. NO, there are many things that you just don’t forget or are able to “get over.” First of all, it’s not a choice. NO ONE wants to be traumatized nor do we want to be mentally screwed up over shit that’s happened in the past.

Like say for example a girl gets raped. Do you tell her to “just get over it” bc it’s “the past”? FFS

People who say that are shitty uncaring people, and have NEVER experienced trauma or horrendous things. If they did, they’d know that it’s not easy […]

I can’t believe /the woman I was thinking of/ was behind a podium advocating for mental health, donating to big charities, writing essays, hugging kids, holding group sessions, “healing the world”… I wonder what other victims have gone through… It’s just so odd…  Maybe she’s only “Mental health guru” when she’s in a good mood. That’s not genuine.

Nothing she did was okay. I deserve better than the treatment I received. Never let anyone tell you that you don’t matter as a person. You deserve better than that. Like me.

I reached out over this. I feel better hearing this from an expert on narcissism.

I asked my best friend yesterday if he knew I suffered from depression. He said I might have mentioned it in passing. This sounds about right – i tend to mention when I’m doing well that I suffer, to let people know I understand. I get the impression people usually don’t believe me because I don’t ‘look’ like I’m depressed in the moment. When I am depressed, I tend to hide and not let anyone see it. But I’ve always wondered, maybe I’m not so good at hiding as I think I am? Maybe some people figured it out. But he told me I seemed […]

(I am aware that these are not new, interesting, or smart thoughts)

I think the most meaningful realization I’ve ever had was that nobody on this planet knows anything. People just live and die. By knowing things, I mean having a clue about life, having a broader understanding of purpose and things like that. Non-mentally ill people had me tricked, because I always thought that they had things figured out. But in reality, its just that they never needed to figure anything out, after all, theres that concert on Saturday that they’re excited to go to.

Sometimes to reinforce this belief in my brain, I ask myself […]

i wish i had a person who knew nothing about me at all, but someone i could tell even my darkest secrets to just so i can get it out. someone who i will bever have to see in real life but be able to tell them every darkest detail because i hate not being able to tell people anything

I feel so much pain from this. Why is this woman and her people so mean to me? I don’t understand.

3:56 and on, “Ashley, you’re so effing ugly. Did I?” Where she says my work’s name and says go eff yourself. They change that one sometimes, too. Just, with more mean insults. I want to die sometimes. This makes me feel like giving up. She once told me to drink poison on the end of that song for expressing how I felt about it. Depressed, suicidal. It’s crazy to think someone advocating for mental health would do any of that. I feel better about this. […]

This is probably going to be me screaming into the void again. It was always going to be, I thought about screaming it into the void of my actual life… and the part of me that’s a brand manager wasn’t cool with that. I’ll never be a brand manager for anyone but myself, but I’m the only brand manager I can afford. That might be sadder than what I’m here to talk about. Leaving that right there.

but I could have been more than this. Not a lot more, in fact something so sad and awful I never thought I’d regret not being it. I could […]

I’m broken. I’m unsure if I can really be fixed. I’m hurt and broken and miserable by the day. I’m the rot that I created of myself, made of broken bits of my rotten pathetic self. All there is, is constant hurting. A constant hell. And what if, say, it never stops? Because I’m starting to believe, and becoming terrified of, this being truly neverending. I’m never going to get out of my head. Away from these thoughts. And I read so many things from people saying the same, it doesnt ever really stop. It just pretends to for awhile. Then you’re stuck waiting for […]

Today felt better than yesterday. I did some lawn work and laundry. Idk why I’m having highs and lows, but it feels like a rollercoaster. Wish I had more hours at work, too.

Pros? Cons?

I know my stuff isn’t pure grade, but I think I want to try this and hope for the best. I wanted to do this on a Saturday. If I wait, then nobody will find me. Maybe I should wait and plan it out better. I’m not scared, I just feel messy. I want to feel in control. I’m a little nervous, but it’s worth it. I can’t wait for this to be over. I wish I had the energy to like, take myself out. Feels like a waste of time. I wish I could do it now. Like fresh air in your lungs. I […]

Imagine a world where everyone who truly wanted to suicide could. That’s never going to happen in reality bc there’s too much money to be made in keeping other humans sick and depressed and indentured servants to our corporate overlords.

But suppose it was allowed. Old ppl who are terminal and dying wouldn’t have to suffer the last few years of life. And it’s going to be ALL of us, minus a few who are able to end our lives beforehand. It’s so insane to me that the severely ill still can’t die quicker and be allowed to end their […]

I wonder how many people are ACTUALLY severely depressed and/or suicidal? What stats there are, are off bc most ppl who are “depressed” aren’t chronically depressed like we are, where no matter what we do, we can’t shake off this darkness.

There are loads of ppl who claim they are “depressed,” when in reality they are just going through say a breakup or something, something that may be unpleasant or shitty at the time being, but it’s not the same as someone who has a fundamental issue with life itself, or of our existence.

According to WHO:
“An estimated 3.8% of the population experience depression, including […]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m essentially non human, because I enjoy it more and more when I get sick. I’m sick right now, in some way involving my sinuses. It might just be an infection caused by allergies, it might be a bacteria or virus. Most of these pass within a few days.

but I tend to fight against being sick for as long as possible, only fully accepting it when I am too tired to deny it anymore.

To quote Elton John;

“There’s a calm surrender
To the rush of day
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can be turned away
An […]

Something something woe is me, sadness, something something.  Suicide is the answer something something, final solution.  Insert melodrama about how much I was raped abused etc etc.  Something something. All these posts but where is the rage, where is the hatred. The world failed us, we didn’t ask to be here so why aren’t more of us enraged.  Enraged at the biggest injustice of them all birth. We should be fighting to have abortions free and available at every Walmart Costco and McDonald’s.  Maybe then some poor fuck would never be born to feel this way.  Their worthless mothers could do them the biggest kindness […]

I don’t fucking know anymore. Like when I first started antidepressants I felt nothing change. Couple months in I am doing fucking great. Best shape of my life! Then the last month has been so weird. So emotional. So unpredictable. My behavior is so unlike me these days, I am having trouble having the motivation I used to have.  I don’t know what type of behavior is me anymore or how I’m supposed to be. If I act out I want to  just blame the medication but I was so good not that long ago. What the fuck changed? I hate this and I hate […]

I just woke up minutes ago. But for what? I’m alone, I dont know where any of my family is, they’re all on their separate outings I guess. I was having good dreams. I want to go back to sleep. I slept about 11 hours, waking up here and there. Why am I still so exhausted? I feel like I didnt sleep at all.

There are things needing to be done, like my laundry, I need to shower, and more packing as well. I dont feel like doing any of it. I feel like maybe I could sit through a full LOTR movie, I might do […]

I want to do it now. So badly. I have the salt. This isn’t fair. I’m not doing another summer. I’m not even ready yet. I will wait. That’s the most important part, what I wear. Etc