For general topics related to the site.
I’m not excited for the future.
All I am is terrified of what’s to come. And it feels like I’m dying.
Broken
I feel broken every single day. My life was perfect in every way and then 2 years ago my life tumbled around me for no apparent reason. The details are not that important but everything collapsed. After a lie detector to prove my innocence in something and doing everything I possibly could, it was still questioned and flatly not believed. I woke up in April 2020 and realised that there was actually no way that I wanted to live this silly life any longer. That I just wanted the pain to go away and I didnt know how apart from just not being around anymore. […]
I’ve given up on my goals and dreams. So now I can stop dwelling on my future, now I can stop worrying about disappointing someone or worrying about not making it. I can say that I have given up on my goals without it meaning I am not going anywhere. I mean, I am not going anywhere I want, but I at least now have something sustainable. For the last few years I tried hard to work for something, I tried hard to make something of myself, I tried hard to make those around me (even myself) proud. But at a certain point it gets […]
I’ve been awake for a few hours now, and was able to force myself to eat something despite not having an appetite whatsoever. To be honest I’m glad I did I feel a lot less lethargic. I don’t know if I’m depressed, suicidal, or just mentally fucked up at this point. Or maybe I see the world for what it really is. What I do know is my experience in this world isn’t enjoyable, I don’t have the worst life, definitely not the best. Which I beat myself up about sometimes because people do have it worse. I don’t know, I just honestly don’t know. […]
I cant wait til fall and the cold weather. I want all these spiders n flies to fkn die! I also miss wearin hoodies. Plus i smell better when its cold. I smell n look like im melting. Summer is not my forte. If i want heat ill soak in hot water.
We needed some more 90s music up in here.
So I’ve been thinking. And thinking. And it’s hard to stop. This month, I just can’t keep someone I knew out of my head. I miss the good moments of our friendship. Fortunately, there was a lot of those. I’d love to make up for loss time but I feel like the time is so far gone, so what’s the point now? I’m afraid it’s because I’m lonely that I’d reach out. The questions that will come out or lack thereof…I know I’m selfish and inconsiderate so I think it’s crossing the line if I apologize now. And we’re both adults, so we don’t have […]
Hello all, I lurk around here when things get rough. for about the last year and a half, figured I’d make an account. It’s currently 9:15’ish in the morning and I finally feel tired enough to sleep so I’m gonna leave you all a song I resonate with. I don’t know if it’s gonna link correctly, as this is my first post so sorry in advance if it doesn’t x.x
Often, I find myself in this cycle, where I juggle between numbness and suicidal thoughts. I push away people who love me because I’m an idiot, and I hate myself for never being good enough. I’ve been trying to not use drugs as a way to cope, but every day, the idea of using more dangerous methods of self-harm seems to flood my mind in the hopes of ending this anxiety-ridden nightmare I call existence. This is my first post, and I feel weary that this “rant” may offend some people. I’m not used to sharing how I feel. I hope maybe someone may read […]
Over the past three months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, and now I am in an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place. This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one persons descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him. Well this is how I am now. Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong. It is like I am playing against a stacked deck. My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn and now my job […]
When guys try to road rage me or wanna race, this is what i feel like yelling lol
Filled up 1 journal worth of venting&thoughts. Got a new journal, this time its a mini one so im sure itll fill up quick. My therapist had me read 1 of my enteries. She liked my writing and how well it flowed almost like a story. But each entry i do looks like it was written by a diff person. Some are just so out there n aggressive or tedious. But i was pleased to hear she liked it.
She gave me booklets to work on that surround my feelings and relationships. Since i always fall for toxic men, im trying to get away from that […]
A war is going on two planes: mental and physical, I’m tired of this soul hurt. Omg, they won’t stop until I’m actually dead from all points of view
They attack me, they oppose me, they have to always be right, they are superior, they see me as no good. They exist, I didn’t create them, it’s a daily struggle.
The last time I attempted suicide, I almost succeeded. I felt it. I had a few moments of actual peace for the first time in several decades. The deep sadness that had been lodged in the back of my throat, that choked constantly choked me was gone The pain was finally gone. I can’t really describe just how those few moments were so monumental to me.
But some family members found me and “saved me.” I was in and out of conciousness while they drove to the hospital. However, I clearly remember repeatedly begging them to let me die. They obviously didn’t listen. […]
It hurts… it hurts to go on and keep breathing. I hate myself for burning every bridge and destroying my closest friendships. I guess in my fucked up brain I thought it would be better to make everyone not care about me now and hate me, then to hurt them later when they find out about my funeral. Not only did I not want them to stop me, I also didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to find out about my lifeless body and have to tell my family because no one else knew anything about my family. I burned everything to […]
My family hated me when I chose him.. I just really adored him and gave him all the support he needs, helped him to build his dream – a motor shop business – and gave him a daughter.. I am currently 4 months pregnant and I just knew today that he’s cheating on me.. He’s been humiliating me ever since but I always ended up forgiving him multiple times.. I felt used in any aspects of our relationship.. Because aside from me helping him, I am also helping his family since I have no one to lean on anymore.. Right now, I feel alone, depressed […]
I’m so sick of being me. But I’m also rather attached. What I wouldn’t give for some thoughts and feelings not contaminated by this well of loneliness and despair inside. But if anyone were able to take it from me, I would stubbornly resist. It’s who I am now. I’ve been this way the majority of my life. My formative years. It’s my personality. Despair, pessimism, isolation, and regret for what might’ve been. I can’t imagine anything else. I can’t imagine not hating myself. It’s my only frame of reference for interacting with the world.
how does one fix what is themselves?
i wish i only had depression with a route cause of trauma. at least then once then trauma was worked through i could be relatively ok, but no. i have a personality disorder. and at this point i cant help but laugh in peoples face.
“you arent your disorder” then would you like to tell me why i can look at every single action i make and be able to point back to this disorder?
this is deeper. this is permanent. and a permanent problem, calls for a permanent solution…
I just want to die .. I’m tired i push through it but things are just becoming too difficult… What is the point.. Im past going nowhere.. I’m now just at downhill. My life is down to wanting to die that’s all.. I dont want to fight for it.. I don’t want to puah through ugh.. I don’t want to hope anymore because it’s gotten me nowhere.. I just want to walk away and die