General

I’m not sure what I thought I would accomplish. I’ve been running from my depression for weeks now. Dealing with small fires, my ex put all my shit outside and changed the locks, I got a new job and my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent, I had to estrange myself from my parents because they were toxic. I’ve been running from my suicidal thoughts by filling my days with boys, and friends and activity and work. But it caught up with my today and all I could think was how much of a relief it would be to just end it. Just thinking about […]

I don’t know why it happened but everything seems to go straight past me, I’m not able to maintain anything in my thoughts, I read something and have no idea what it said, everything from a two sentence email to a chapter in a book, I keep rereading it telling myself to focus on the words but my mind wanders off to wherever and idk, nothing. This also happens during conversations. It’s extremely frustrating. Maybe it’s adhd/add? I’ve never had that before though, I don’t think that’s something that just pops up as an adult.
I just think I would feel better if I could focus.

I’m trying to think of a time where I was proud to be me. Where I was glad to be me. I can’t think of any. I think for brief moments in my life I was proud of certain things. But I think about it and all seems so superficial and meaningless. I have very few skills to be proud of. Very few accomplishments that I can think of. I’m only really good at getting good grades. But even then I feel like I got it trough luck and because I got things handed to me. […]

Please

Take this

And run far away

Far away from me

I am tainted

And happiness

And peace of mind were never meant for me

When I was little, I really didn’t care what anyone else thought of me. I had little to no interest in making friends, but I was pretty happy. Then around middle school, my parents and teachers basically decided that me being alone so much was not OK. They started telling me over and over that I had to do more social activities, and that I really had to start caring what other kids thought, and become interested in what they were interested in. I did end up learning some social skills and making a few friends. But I also started to believe that I was […]

Some days are harder than most. And on my hard days, that tough love bs of the “the world doesnt revolve around u Ellen, life keeps going and u need to keep moving on” is def not what some1 like me needs. In fact that makes me angry an want to burn my bridge with u.

As long as there are profits To be made of others, Those in power will never let suicidal people end their pain. Profiting off of people’s pain is a newest form of capitalism…- somebody from the Internet.. kinda Of sucks don’t ya think. Sigh……

So, what makes me so unremarkable. Well, I loved to do art, but attended college for something that pays money. I became really good at it even though I tried leaving it behind several times. Because, we all need money. Every challenge I faced, I succeeded. So, no hardship here. I’ve got plenty of retirement money to not work for 10 years, I decided to quit my job and go explore. Literally, just stop working and see what is my purpose. Maybe I have one.

Just got back from behavioral services because human services referred me to see someone.  I havent seen a therapist/psychiatrist since i was court ordered after bein in winnebago mental health institute for 1yr back when i was 18/19yrsold. Not gonna lie, itll be nice to have someone help me with my paranoia. She went through all her questions and i relieved alot of my past suicide attempts, my self injuries, my hospital stays. The tragedies that made me who i am today. She also assured me the docs there are super great and dont just dismiss people as if theyre incurable. So im actually optimistic […]

Disillusioned – I think that’s the perfect way to describe how I feel.

When you’re a kid, you’re told that everyone is special and that anyone can change the world, then you grow up and realize that no one is special. I spent almost four whole months just dissassociating, taking long hikes, one hour or more, several times a day and even at night, and I barely slept at all because of nightmares, I barely ate because I had so much anxiety. Now that that’s over, I don’t know what to do. I can barely walk anymore, well I can, if I eat a lot of […]

Eight days out from my next therapy appointment, and I’m working my homework. The challenge; why do i do what I do, what IS the point?

This is a good therapist, she ripped through my defenses that I like to imagine myself at war with these giant forces, ones that I likely can’t move. I’ve thrown myself really hard into that over the last few years as I slowly but surely felt greater and greater doubt about whether there is a place for me in my current career field. Not as such. I have already decided I want to move elsewhere. I have already decided that […]

I have so little freedom that I can’t even check my phone without overthinking it. Feared that he’s going to judge me for being “obsessive”. When in reality I’m either checking it because everyone has different time zones so maybe I got a message while I was sleeping (you just woke up and you’re eating *gasp* it’s obsessive) or I’m bored. Because yeah being obsessive and bored is the same thing.

My head is all stuffed up. I’ve been here more than I’d like to. But no matter how much I write my thoughts down, my head is still all stuffed up. Today was my first day of work. I felt worthless as usual. I walked around following some guy I was supposed to be shadowing not knowing what to do. Everyone I passed by was looking at me. I didn’t like it. Already on my first day I felt like I was going to screw it up. There’s a thing on my shoulder that whispers in […]

What is the difference between I want to end my life and I want my life to end.    I am trying to figure that out because that is exactly how I feel.

I had been posting back in April my day to day progress in the hospital after I signed myself in after coming dangerously close to following through with a plan that would have definitely ended things for me.   After the hospital I was transferred to a residential treatment facility 5 hours away which supposedly treated patients with depressive and related disorders. It started out well until I met the therapist and went downhill […]

It’s gotten to a point where I literally witness my abuser’s mannerisms manifesting in those I talk to because I’ve internalized their neurotic energy so deeply. I see the dynamic between my mom and I play out in real time between me and strangers. I recreate that dynamic. My mother has crawled inside my body. And made me a clone of herself. And now she seeks to make more clones of herself. I’m contaminated. And I’m contaminating others.

Well I finally got to tell my ex wife how I really feel about her and man she got angry. I told her she had one last chance and she blew it so Im done with her forever. She threw in my face that I have abandon our son because he is going to jail soon for his second DUI/DWS and a bunch of other violations. I told her to take a look at him because she is the one who did that to him. She then tells me she will never let me control her and live by my rules. First off she is […]