General

It can be quite a shock to see yourself. Not a casual glance in a mirror, more extensive. I just took a video of myself, rambling imcoherently.  It’s very early and I should be sleeping, but I’m not because my cat smells funny and it’s making me anxious. So I figured I’d make a video of some random thoughts that noone will ever see, although my intention was that this video, as well as others I will make, might serve as a diary of a bad time, of sorts. I watched the video, and it’s so depressing.  What have I become? Where did […]

i’ve been having terrible, terrible nightmares. the locations in my dreams are consistent, there’s a whole world, i can always remember and recognize the places, i can even draw out a map if i want to. the dreams are so complex, i can’t even write them out, there’re ridiculous, they’re so obscure i just can’t express the scenes in words. i don’t want to dream anymore. it’s so disgusting, even, the dreams. i’ve been free from them for almost a month, but yesterday the dreams got physcial. i don’t do drugs, but i felt like i had a really bad trip. before i fell asleep […]

i don’t think i can do this anymore. i’m tired. i’m going to sleep.

Ok so i found this site 2 weeks ago when i was in a really dark place catalyzed by another hostile attack from my dear mother. i live with a lazy hoarder mom, an even lazier hoarder, narcissistic, abusive dad and my dirty lazy twin brother. all the housekeeping falls on me and i sob internally as i watch our 2 year old house become the disgusting, filthy, embarrassing house we moved out of. whatever anyways, i’m numb, i don’t even know if u can consider it a depression. i just feel nothing. it’s been like this for 5 months, i have no passion, absolutely […]

Not suicide related

Great. I asked a valid question about the course and they (training provider) don’t even reply. But they replied to other things, quickly as well. Now I’ve submitted all my enrollment documents on Friday… so have they even looked at them yet? Maybe I’m just such a joke that I shouldn’t bother studying.

I may not end up doing the whole course anyway. I mean, if I even begin the course… if it interests them to look at my enrollment………………….
I hope they are just really this busy! Doubt that though.

Maybe whoever sees my emails is laughing at them behind the screen…

i just see too many problems with everything

My days are just so fucking pointless. I’m not doing anything and I don’t want to… What will give my existence meaning.? Here’s my theme-song:

Here I doubt that this will truly significantly change anyone’s perspective but in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which is a parody of the bible, Nietzsche, or rather “Zarathustra”, his fictional mouthpiece/prophet talks about a concept called the eternal recurrence of the same. From the liner notes:

“Every time he thinks about this concept, it’s as though a dark cloud passes over him. He becomes brooding and silent. He now confronts its implications. Life is Will to Power. Will to Power seeks to overcome obstacles. What is the greatest obstacle of all? To will the past. How is it possible to make my past life, past human history, […]

I was going to be melodramatic about the whole thing, extend my description to include others. The fact is, I don’t have a clue what is going on with the rest of our species. I have ideas, but it can’t be proven, proof is the biggest act of faith and delusion of all.

I can’t prove that I was born any different than any other human larva. I was a hyperactive kid, a little introverted, who had the misfortune of being born into a society that needs something to be wrong with people that don’t enthusiastically engage with it. So, thanks to hours of therapy and […]

Saw this on one of the two accounts I follow on social media today.