General

If I’ll get the Corona virus it may kill me

How’s that saying go? If you can’t fight ’em join em. I think. Anyway what if I stopped fighting my disorders. What if I lived with them. Just day by day. Some days are bad some days are ok. It has to at least be less stressful then swimming against the current.

They said the iris,

the honesty truth and respect

and the response seems callous

when the music blares out all noise,

when you can’t hear anything but your heartbeat,

And for a moment the question of authenticity ends,

Plato warned me they would kill you for making them see the truth,

whether they could deal with it or would forever ask for more proof.

at a certain point, you ask yourself what’s the use.
you want your intelligence to bring good news.
And that humanity is easily confused,

by the questions that keep us up at night,

when they don’t know if your wrong or right,

whether you deserve life.

and try as you might,

you know it’s […]

depression feels like a cleanser, a type of bleach, erasing everything in it’s path. it’s hard to describe because everyday, i feel the same, yet different. it had washed the last bit of passion in me, love, creativity…me, i’m fading away as a whole.

i’ve been trying my best, to describe all this, it’s hard to…type out a word, is this the normality or am i just fucked up?i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. i don’t feel…i don’t know how to describe it, i  feel like i should be happy, or sad, or angry, so i put myself in that state yet i’m […]

the days just go by. i distract myself by watching a LOT of tv shows. about 12 hours of screen time a day. the routine is so fucking monotonous. i’m in need of some serious motivation. what keeps y’all going? i feel like i’m living just for the sake of it.

There are people who appear to have what I want. I wonder if it keeps them from being miserable. How could you have something that good and not be glad to be alive? But of course people are screwed up in all kinds of complicated ways.

Seeing my desires appear to be real is both compelling and tortuous. It breaks through the layer of resigned depression to remind me ‘yeah, this was what life was supposed to be about.’ But then follows the recognition ‘this is not for you.’

There’s just enough false hope left though to keep me coming back to the fantasy. It’s not like […]

Hi there, I’d love to share with you the Philosophy YT channel “Academy of Ideas” and especially these 3 videos from it, I hope you find them useful and interesting!!

I’m getting tired of them humoring me. I feel like I’m being treated like a child. And the worse part is I can’t say anything about it because they’re right to. I get upset easily and I know they mean nothing by it but it will still upset me. The more days that pass the more I think I am better off alone or dead. I do nothing except cause people problems.

I’m a weirdo.  Totally just quoting a song by Radiohead but that’s exactly how I feel when I just got rejected by my crush and I still live with my mom at 23 years of age. I’m a pathetic man. ????

I was so drunk recently that I actually reached out to an old bully. He was really cool but I wonder if he could sense how drunk I was. I’m about to go to jail for a DUI accident too. My life is a joke.

4/25/18 was the last time I wrote on here… and boy has so much happened since then. I was finishing up 8th grade after getting out of a high focus center (which did nothing for me) I was finishing middle school and getting ready for high school. I guess I was okay around that time, although I still would self harm, but I forgot about this account. But freshman year I lost my v-card to my next door neighbor who I still have feelings for, I had gotten a boyfriend who actually met my whole family but later crushed my heart by cheating on me […]

When it comes to suicide you have to really want it in order to succeed. I look back on my own biography and the suicide attempts I undertook and I have to ask myself the question “did I really want it? Was my heart really in it? Any man who chooses sleeping pills has really answered NO to those two questions. How mentally ill was I to choose sleeping pills? I’ve paid dearly for that choice and will continue to. I could of avoided ten years of hell but no I had to be stupid enough to go with pills, the least effective method known […]

I wish for

A day
without crying
without feeling bad
without want to suicide

ok so a bit of backstory to the question first. im watching river monsters and a child got eaten by piranhas (piranhas theyre from the amazon (sorry for the nemo reference it just kinda popped in my head))

anyway my question: if someone is dying and you have the chance to save them, do you?

morally the answer is well yeah duh. but if they are dying they will most likely (depending on the cause obviously) will be really messed up, either physically mentally or both. is letting them live the rest of their life like that really better then leaving them for dead?

Not suicide related

I feel like I’m on such rocky ground with my ex, although I kinda always was.
He recently cut ties with a couple of local friends he had, due to disagreements (won’t put the topics here). He told one of them to ‘fuck off’. The two friends were also friends with each other. I think my ex has been blocked online by both of them now.
I’m really wondering inside if I actually caused any of this, but not like I cant tell my ex that, he’d just tell me I’m being silly and worrying too much if I did. 😛
He’s also […]

It’s hard not to have these suicidal thoughts every day. I don’t have a solution for my problems after all this time. How much more can I hold on? I don’t know.